I haven't really told anyone about what I'm going to tell you, but I'm not ashamed.
So here it goes....
I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about almost 4 years. It doesn't feel that long to be honest with you, but the traumatic and fear that I have gone through was eating me inside and I just wanted to end.
My psychiatrist told me that I was depressed, that it was very common for girls who have been sexually abused especially by someone I knew.
She was right. I was so depressed I wanted to die.
She wanted me to be on medication and I told her, "I thought about that a lot but you have to convince my parents. They won't agree".
That next week she wanted to have a meeting with her, my parent's and I about the medication. She told them how I am depressed and this would benefit me.
My dad said, "Well....she doesn't seem depressed to me. Every time I see her, she has a smile on her face".
"I smile every time you guys come home because I didn't want you to worry about me" I said.
"I don't want her to be on medication. She will get addicted to it and take that for the rest of her life!" My mom said.
"No she won't. I will keep having sessions with her and monitoring her and how she feels" my psychiatrist said.
"I want to be on medication. It's been too long I haven't put what happened to me behind me. Don't you think I had enough. Yes, talking about it is helping me, but not as much to put it behind me and keep moving forward" I said.
"You have a psychiatrist so you can FORGET him! FORGET EVERYTHING HE HAS DONE TO YOU!" My dad told me.
"I wish that was simple for her, but you can't forget sir". Psychiatrist said.
"I can't believe you said that! You think it's easy to FORGET what happened to me. Don't you remember when you saw he molesting him! But what did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?! NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You did absolutely nothing to help your own daughter. I never forgived you. I had never forgived you 'till this day. And when I told you guys about it, do your remember what you told me? You guys kept telling me, 'Oh, stay away from him...just stay away from him'.
How can I stay away from him? He was still hurting me. You didn't save me! I saved myself by reporting him, but you guys still didn't do anything because you guys didn't press charges against him! I'm so angry with you two! That's why I'm depressed it wasn't just HIM that made me this way but you TWO, MY OWN PARENTS. Your jobs as parents was to protect your child, but you didn't and I will never forgive you!" I said and crying.
My mom was crying and my dad just kept looking down. They didn't say anything after that. My psychiatrist told them to think about if I should be on medication. Then we left. Haven't talked to them for about a month.
The next session I had with my psychiatrist, she told me how brave I was that I told my parents how I felt.
I told her my parents still don't want me to be on medication. I asked her if I can wait until I turn 18 and still see where I'm at. She said that will be best for me, but for now talking and writing is helping me little by little.
Two years later, I just turned 18. I'm still thinking about being on medication. I don't know anymore I'm still depressed.
I am really trying hard to put the past behind me, but it's still pulling me down and I'm drowning.
Maybe I should be on medication.
We'll see.
