Supernatural Death Note

Chapter Twenty-Five: Answers?

Summary:  Dean makes a decision.

"Follow his example, rage against your father. He deserves it for what he dragged you two into. You both need closure on that. A part of him wants to call you weak and blames you for this but at the same time, I've heard him recant on it. So I truly believe the first part is the part under her influence."

I've never really rebelled, L. I'm not sure I know how. Instead of raging at the anger, pain, and not being loved, I drank and, well, had a lot of one night stands. It was my way of dealing with the pain. The alcohol dulled it, and the sex just felt good. So, Ruby is the cause of part of his attitude, then? That's good to know because I want to work this out somehow. He's walked more than once, but he usually ends up back with me. It's not good for him, is it?"

He shook his head. "You both need to learn to confront the issues instead of hiding from them. Neither of you will trust the other or yourselves."

"No one has ever bothered to tell us that, or that what we were feeling was because of what Dad did. Bobby thinks it, I'm pretty sure, but he never said much until lately. There have been other people who have tried to tell me I'm a better man then my Dad, but I never saw it. I always thought of myself as a failure by not being everything he wanted me to be. Words can hurt, L, especially when you need approval. Like your boys, Sam and I were pretty much orphans. Dad was hardly ever there for us. Most of my life, I've raised Sam. I was four when he became my job. He was my job, L. When he died, I'd let Dad and Sam down. I didn't do the one thing Dad told me when I was four, that was protect Sammy. I blew it. So, I made a deal. Looking back on it, it was stupid. It brought all of this on, but I think it was all planned somehow by somebody. Unlike Sam, I don't blame anyone but me. I guess that makes me the bigger fool."

"Unlike my boys, you didn't have a Watari to take you in and shelter you. Your father failed, not you. It's time you faced that, Dean, and let the guilt go."

"How? It's not that I don't want to, because I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I want normal so damn bad, it hurts. You're a very smart man, L...tell me how. Watari says I have to let it out...crying. Damn it, that was horrible. There's still too much. I'm not sure how much of that I can do."

"Rant, vent, cry, scream. Let it out. Find an empty field and scream for all you're worth."

"You're telling me that's all it takes? I took a sledgehammer to my car after the wreck with the semi, when Dad did it to me. I was so angry. I beat the car. It didn't make it better, but this will do it?"

Dean remembered back to when he'd cried and screamed on the ground on the mountain trail with Watari. He had felt somewhat better. Letting everything come out though? It was scary. He thought about it, and knew L was right.

He nodded. "You need more time venting."

"Talking about it is not venting?"

"There's two different kinds. Letting the emotions out is something you need to do. Talking about it helps you mentally deal with it."

"But talking's no good until you vent?"

"Both are needed to become healthy."

"Talking with Watari, some of it came out. How do you do it on your own? It's second nature to bury it."

"Habits take time to destroy and rebuild."

"You got somewhere around here where someone could do that?"

"Depends on what activity you plan to use for venting. I know of a few locations."

"Well, it sure as hell can't be anything violent. My whole right side isn't worth a damn right now. I hurt bad enough without making it worse."