Supernatural Death Note

Chapter Thirty-Six: Aftermath

Summary:  Sam deals with the aftermath of his mental attack on Dean.

Pure exhaustion and emotional fatigue hit Dean hard. Shortly, his head was against Sam's chest and he slept. The younger brother looked down at him in almost awe.

"It's always been the other way around...him holding me, protecting me, helping me...taking care of me. This is the first time I've been able to do something for him. Actually do something. It feels so good. Damn it, when he wakes up, he won't let me again."

The computer was shut down as Watari spoke. "You will have a lot of work to do, Samuel. With him and with yourself. You have buried yourself in a lot of emotional baggage, baggage that could have been dealt with sooner. You are intelligent; we've seen your scores at Stanford. My next words are not to shame but to help you understand. You fought to free yourself from your family's history, yet you were the one to fall into darkness faster. This needs correcting."

Sam looked up and listened to what the other man had to say. He held his unconscious brother close to him. "Can you help him let me help him? It's been one-sided for too damn long. He's more vulnerable then he'll ever admit to, and I can help. That's been one hell of a problem. He has so seldom really asked for help. Once or twice is all. He takes the blame for every damn thing too. He always feels guilty. He's terrified of me leaving him. It's because he's never really known family, love, and being cared for. He needs it or he won't heal."

"And you're right, I'm the one that fell, not Dean. All the things I said to him were wrong. Dean has an innate sense of what is right and wrong. I'm not talking drinking, cussing, or sex. I'm talking innate here. He'll give his life for someone. He's stronger then he believes and I ever realized. He just pushes himself until something like this happens. It will embarrass him that he needed me. I want that to stop so badly."

L looked at Watari, who nodded and the detective spoke. "I have already offered my services to your brother. Watari and I both hold degrees in psychology. I am no therapist; my degree is used for profiling but I have enough experience to help you both. As does he. You will not like me; I can tell you that now. I will hold a mirror in front of you and make you see what you have become. From there, Watari and I will teach you life skills.. healthy ones this time. Joint sessions with your brother will happen as well. I will not lie to you, Samuel. You have hurt him.. badly. Through it all though, he has wanted you to be healthy."

"It's what I mean. It's always me on his mind. He doesn't think he's worth saving. Do you realize that Dad, and Mom's family made him feel that he was worthless except for what Dad told him to do. Dean's not a soldier although he's damn good at it. He doesn't have the heart to be what he is. It tears him up inside and there's no release for him. No joy or happiness. I've made his life hell since Dad and I started our war. I wonder if I'd talked to him with respect and love and just discussed things, if things would have been different. I tended to argue a lot. He didn't act like Dad very often, but when he did, he was worse than Dad."

"There is an old saying.. if the stick doesn't work, try the carrot. I believe you will find that Dean will be more approachable with the carrot approach."

"Should I just be open with him and tell him how I feel, or should this carrot be sneaky? Get his advice, listen, offer my opinion, listen to him and not get mad if he doesn't like my opinion? Try to hold normal conversations? Hell, we've so seldom done that. Nice times when we did though."

As hurt as he is, I'd like to help him where I can. I realize you have a routine, but I've tended him before when he was hurt. He is a bad patient by the way. Teach me how to do it so he won't be snappy at me but accept me and what I can offer him."