Supernatural Death Note

Chapter Thirty-One: Session 1 Part 2

Summary:  L gives Dean a chance to just be Dean.

"Well, thanks to Watari, my eating habits are on the to be changed list." Dean smiled as he spoke of the older man.

"He can be very persistent."

"Well, what he had to say made a lot of sense. Some of what he says I need to eat will be hard. What I have to give up is a lot harder for me."

"Everything in moderation. A hamburger is fine if it is every once in a while and not every night. Or so I am told."

"Yeah, well, we're on the road a lot, and most times it's fast food. Being able to sit down and eat breakfast together is actually a treat for us. Eating in a nice restaurant is almost unheard of. That makes it a lot more difficult."

"Most of the small restaurants and fast food ones offer salads and the like now."

"When I've been on the road, driving for hours, eating burritos out of a microwave, and Sam...he gets gas when he eats them. Well, a salad supper is not much comfort food. There's not a whole lot of comfort in my life. I know. I'm going to follow what Watari says, but damn."

L stared at him for a moment, then shook his head. Too much information.

Dean noticed the stare, thought back over what he had just said, and the Winchester smile flitted across his face. He snorted, than started laughing, hard. He doubled over almost in hysterics. Shaking his head, he sputtered, "How the hell did we get on this conversation anyway? Damn! Got to stop this laughing...it's starting to hurt." He leaned his head back against the tree and took some deep breaths, his body still shaking from the laughter. Every few minutes, what sounded like a giggle or a snicker, would erupt. Dean thought, too long...been too long since I've laughed.

The detective gave a tiny half smile at the laughter.

The hunter closed his eyes, and rested for a moment. "Does life ever get any easier, L? I mean it, seriously, it's been so long since I've laughed like that. It felt good."

"Life comes in booms and busts or so Watari is often fond of saying. There will be positive times and negative ones."

"I could do with a lot more positives, you know. This was nice. Stupid, but nice."

He gave another half-smile. "It will come."

"Yeah, I hope so, but not til Sammy's ready for it, too. Can't keep having all this crap between us. It's time we dealt with it...get it out in the open, even if it hurts. We need to talk and listen."

The dark haired man nodded. "Indeed."

The head turned and green eyes stared into his dark ones, "Will he ever do that, L?" The question was hopeful and wistful, with a touch of fear that the answer might be no.

"He will. He is much too stubborn not to."

Dean shook his head slowly. "Why is he fighting peace and honesty between us?"

"The stubbornness is part of it. He is unsure as to which person to blame for the mess of emotions he is experiencing."

"The blame is threefold. He's smart, but he was hurting. It's his fault for doing the things he did when he was and has been all over me for what I did. It's my fault for putting him in that position. Hell, it's mainly Dad's for raising us to be like this, but it's our job to break away from it."

"Incorrect," the detective told him. "His fault for not thinking clearly...your father's fault for putting such nonsensical ideas into your heads.. and the demon's fault for taking a confused young man and turning him into a machine with one thought - revenge."

"It's my fault too, L. But, I'm alive, so why the continued need to kill Lilith? That has bothered me."

"In his mind, it is her fault for leaving him in that state of vulnerability."

"I left him in the same state, L"

"Which was not your fault...well, unless you count sacrificing yourself to keep him alive. That is a codependency of a level that is...not a good thing." For lack of a better phrasing for it.

"Well, if I hadn't, we'd both be dead by now. I don't know. It was stupid, but it was Sammy, and he was all I had."

"An issue that was encouraged by your father."

"It was my job...my responsibility to protect and care for Sam...and I tried to the best of my ability...and I failed...he died. That's what I felt, L. It's what he taught me."

"It was your father's responsibility. Not yours."

"It was his responsibility, morally, but it was mine in reality."

"Again, no. You need to disassociate yourself from that. Morally, reality.. your father failed."

Dean nodded, his throat thickened by a need to cry against his father and a desire to run from it. He was tired, emotionally drained, and frightened of and for Sam.

"It seems there is a lot to do in order to change your way of thinking but it will happen. I have a task for you. When you retire to your room this evening, you will find some supplies. I think it would be wise to start keeping a journal. This does not have to be a list of daily activities.. more along the lines of your thoughts on things. It will help you to organize them and find if you start to slip back into bad habits like thinking that you have sole responsibility for your brother."

Dean's mind went back to his dad's journal. It wasn't all monsters. There were memories and other things in it. He'd not read them at first, but he learned a lot from it. The fact was that his mom was the first of their family to keep a journal. They were all kept in a lock box or safe. Probably all burned in the house fire ,but he would have loved to read them..

Dean looked at L. I'm not very good at that, but Bobby said I'm more like mom so...maybe that's in me too."

"You do not have to be good at it. This exercise is to help you review your thoughts, speak them out without having to speak."

"Okay...is...is this some kind of homework assignment, cause what I say to someone is gonna be different than what I think at times. "

"You need at least one place to be honest.. outside of myself and Watari."

"I'm gonna take that answer to mean it's for me only...my place to be honest to me."

He nodded. "Exactly."

Dean frowned suddenly. "I can't write right now. I'm right handed. Well, maybe I could, but it's gonna be chicken scratch to try to read."

L smirked at that. "I would not worry about that."

One eyebrow rose questioningly, but suddenly Dean relaxed and smiled. "Okay, thanks."

The detective rose. "In fact, go and find Matt. He will assist you with this."

Dean rose with L, "All right, then, can you tell me where I find the elevator once inside. Matt was putting Bobby's books on computer."

"Take the third door, go left 100 feet and turn right."

The hunter slowly headed towards the entrance, but turned back towards the detective.

"Thanks, L, for listening, understanding, giving good advice, and mainly, well, for talking stupid stuff with me. Being normal was really nice."

The older Winchester turned and headed toward the building.

L called out to him. "I made an agreement and will abide by it."

The uninjured left arm raised in a wave of acknowledgment. L had not expected more from the man. Dean Winchester was riding an emotional roller coaster, and sometimes, a wave was all he could give.

The detective nodded. The progress would be slow but it was being made. L would inform Watari of this, who would take the next session.