Supernatural Death Note

Chapter Twenty-Nine: God.. Is He or Isn't He?

Summary:  Dean finds an indoor garden and Watari finds him there.

The older man looked at the document. "It gets warm when near God supposedly."

Dean let out a harsh laugh. "Oh, come on, Bobby. God does not exist, and I've seen no sign that He does."

Near's voice was quiet. "Logic dictates that since angels and demons exist, then this supposed deity should exist as well."

Dean's voice had panic in it. "Why? If He's real, then why is any of this happening? Why doesn't He stop it?"

"The deity may not know, may not care, or be a part of the whole conspiracy. Insufficient data to try to bring together a whole hypothesis."

"No! I don't want or need this on top of everything else." Dean moved faster than he should have, but got out of the room quickly.

He took the first hallway off the main corridor without thinking and was soon lost. He opened a door and found a large room filled with plants, and glass windows everywhere. He could feel the warmth of the sunlight. He walked through the flowers, herbs, vegetables, and fruit trees, feeling the peace the large room offered. He finally walked towards one of the large windows and leaned his head against it.

"Not any more impossibilities, please." He wasn't even sure who or what he'd said that to.

Watari leaned against a tree, watching him. "Why is it impossible?"

"Did you follow me, Watari?"

"Somewhat. I wasn't in the computer area but saw you pass by, wanted to check on you."

"If you weren't in there, you didn't hear the conversation, so what are you talking about when you asked me that?"

"You said no more impossibilities, so I asked why is it impossible. Simple enough question." He settled onto the bench with a soft sigh, bones creaking a bit.

"Well, can you prove to me that God exists? One solid reason why I should feel like He does? My life is a total proof that He doesn't. No one, nothing would let a little kid see that, or carry that burden. Hell, all of it. Tell me why, if He existed, He would allow..do..hell, I don't know. Why?"

"Dean, there are stories of ancient gods dating back millennia. You face things that, a few days ago, I would've sworn were impossible. I can neither prove nor disprove that this one god exists. Letting yourself be torn up over it mentally isn't healthy for you," he said in a comforting voice.

"Watari, this is the one that the angels and demons are afraid of."

"Obviously not if they're running around like idiots trying to start this apocalypse."

"Oh, they believe, and are afraid of Him, but they think He's dead. Cas doesn't. Cas thinks He's come down to see for Himself. This amulet was in the stuff going into the computers. It says it warms when God is near." Dean laughed in derision of the statement he'd just made. Sam believes. Sam?"

"People need something to believe in, Dean. It keeps them strong when things go wrong."

"Belief makes you strong? Hell, I must be the weakest man in the world, than."

"What do you believe in? And it doesn't have to be in a deity."

"I believe in what I can see, and what I am capable of doing."

He nodded. "That belief is what helps you to continue day to day."

"It's led to the knowledge that I can't do everything. There's no one who has the answers."

"No one ever will, Dean. That's what keeps the mystery in life."

"This amulet is the most precious thing I have. It just bothers me that it's supposed to be able to help me find God."

"Why is it precious to you?"

"I did a lot of horrible things as a kid, to keep Sammy and me alive. Dad would leave us in motels, and give me cash to meet our needs. A lot of times, he stayed gone longer then he told us, and... and the money ran out. Sometimes I was able to steal, but that wasn't always an option. Anyway, I wanted Sam to have a childhood. I did everything I could think of the keep him there. One Christmas, Dad didn't show, and he promised. I lied and told Sam Dad showed when Sam was asleep. I had stolen some gifts for him, and said they were from Dad. Sam had found Dad's journal, and I explained what Dad did, but made him swear not to let Dad know I'd told him. Dad wanted him to remain a kid too." Dean closed his eyes on that statement, trying to regain control.

He smiled bitterly, "Turned out the kid in the house I robbed, was a girl. That's how Sam knew Dad hadn't shown. He'd gotten the amulet for Dad as a gift. He gave it to me." Dean's voice broke on the last statement.

"Then the gift is still precious, Dean. The chances of you even being able to experience the amulet's abilities are beyond astronomical. I'm certain Near and L could calculate it but still. Don't let the knowledge affect you."

Tears were streaming down Dean's face, "I want Sam back, but whole this time. Both of us whole, healed. Oh, damn, not again. Last night was hard enough. Can't right now. Can't"

"He will be back. Dean, but he won't be the same boy though. The addiction leaves marks. He'll be healing for some time but will carry the knowledge that he is a recovering addict for the rest of his life. The sooner you accept this and help him with it, the better off it will be for the both of you."

"That's a physical thing, and I understand that. I want the crap in both of us to heal so we can be what we ought to be. Can we do that? Is it possible?

"With hard work, determination, and a lot of stubbornness, which you both have plenty of, it can be done."

"I still wish I could understand why it had to be us. Why were we picked out for all of this? The demons wanting Sam? Our Mom and Dad? Hell, my grandparents, the Campbells, were hunters. I never even knew that. It's all screwed up. I don't understand it at all."

"Who knows? Not something to spend your energy on though."

"I know that, but sometimes, when everything's falling apart, and you can't seem to find a way out, you wonder, 'What the hell?'"

Watari nodded. "I know but it is a waste of energy. I try to teach my kids that so that they can move forward and become the strong people I know they can be."