Supernatural Death Note

Chapter One Hundred and Five: What Hasn't Been Dealt With...Sam

"I hope so. I remember being jealous over Dean too when he was acting big brother to another kid my age. It was hard.. so damned hard," he murmured.

"Yes, but which of you did Dean come home to, suffer for, care for over anything and everything, Sam?"

"Me.. it was me. When you're a kid though, it's hard to accept anyone else. Especially when that one person is pretty much all you have."

"Yet you were always running away from him, Sam. Dean gives so freely of himself because he's afraid of being alone. He was so afraid of losing you. He talked to me about it a few months ago. Dean doesn't want anyone to feel that alone. When you were at Stanford, your dad walked out on him. Dean acted like it was normal to have that. He told you he was 26 and old enough to handle his own cases. Covering up was what he was doing, Sam. He told me you'd run away at least once. He took it as leaving him, not your dad. That's why he's this way."

"Don't even start, Lisa. I ran away because I was scared of losing Dean and my dad didn't give a damn about what I wanted. Dean kept being daddy's little soldier and tried to balance my wants with Dad's demands," he told her.

"You're not over that are you? Dean gives because it's now a part of him, Sam. For the longest time before Ryuzaki and Watari helped him, he gave because he was afraid if he wasn't needed he wouldn't be wanted. He wanted his dad's love, Sam. He never got it. I always thought he put you first. Isn't that why he got in so much trouble with your dad when you went to Stanford? He told me he gave you every penny he owned to see to it you had food and a place to sleep on that bus trip. He took that punishment when you disappeared and went somewhere south. He was taking care of you. Dean would do anything for you, Sam. You always came before your dad. Always. Dean was caught between you two. He wanted to be there for his dad and have his approval, but you were his to care for and he loves you like he could never love his dad. If you don't believe that think of his reactions and his face when you and your dad fought. You have always had your brother's heart."

He shrugged, looking tired. "Good night, Lisa."

"Good night, Sam. Maybe you need to talk to your brother like Ben just did. You certainly have not gotten over it."

"In my own time."

"Sam, Dean doesn't deserve this. Think back over the past months with Watari and Ryuzaki. Think about what Dean has said and done. What he has gone through for you. Your dad never had him. You did."

He shut the door, than looked at her. "Don't, Lisa. You've no right to go there. I'm not taking this out on Dean, and I would never do that."

"You are right, Sam. You are not taking it out on Dean. You've taken charge and protected him. Sam, by holding that inside instead of getting it out into the open between you, you hurt both of you...mainly because it is there." Lisa stepped closer and kissed the tall man. "I love you, Sam. I shouldn't have to tell you that your brother does. Good night."

Sam shook his head, heading towards the living room he took Sarah's hand and headed towards their trailer

"You all right, Sam? You look upset.".

"Lisa..just sick of lectures."

"Why would Lisa say anything to you? What lectures? I don't recall you talking about getting lectures lately. We've been here for months. What lectures, Sam?"

Sam told her what Lisa had said, pouring himself a glass of water after putting his shoes away.

"Honey, that doesn't sound like much of a lecture, but more of her being concerned about you and Dean. Why haven't you talked to him about this? I'm not lecturing, love. I'm curious."