Supernatural Death Note

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Facing the Truth - Dean

Watari looked at him with a gaze that seemed to see everything. "Dean, we need to talk."

The younger man froze. His hand played with a fork, something Watari had never seen him do, because he wasn't the type to do that. He did not look at the man sitting across from him. "I had hoped we wouldn't have to do that right now."

Dean looked into the other man's eyes for a second, pleading in his own, and knew he didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of this one.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Your reaction over the assault, Dean."

"What reaction are you talking about? Which assault, Ruby's or Sam's?" The pain made his voice sound raw.

"First, Ruby's. You went into shock, Dean. While not unexpected, you need to discuss this so you can start the healing process."

"What do you want me to say? This isn't something a guy talks about, much less even admits to. What am I supposed to say? I was given a drug that made me do whatever the queen wanted, and I expected something like that, but I sure as hell never expected that demon bitch. Whether I went along with it because of the drug or not, it was rape, pure and simple. I was not consenting. So, how do I handle the fact that it was broadcast to my brother when I didn't want him to know or look at me that way. I don't want to be pitied. It happened, but he won't ever forget that, and he's gonna try and bring it up. Damn, it Watari, I can't do that. Sam's not the kind to let it go either. He's a like a Pitt bull. He'll sink his teeth in and ride me til I break or go crazy. As far as I know, there's no way to deal with this."

"Worry about Sam's reaction to this later. There is a way to deal with it. You have to let your feelings out about it and let yourself heal. Men should talk about this because it happens to them more frequently than most know."

Dean flashed. "Let my damn feelings out? How the hell do you do that? I can't do this!"

He rose from the table, barefooted, in pajama bottoms and bathrobe, and literally ran for the door, not thinking of the consequences to his body. He turned left down the hall, took the next turn. Tears were pouring down his face, and he hit a dead end. He leaned his head against the wall, and struck it over and over with his good fist, not paying attention to any damage he might be doing. Roaring at the top of his lungs, he began to curse violently, not thinking that the entire building could probably hear him.

He started screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to make it stop, the sobs literally causing pain in his chest, as he slid down the wall, still facing it, until he was on his knees, his head still against the wall. His left hand was swollen and bleeding, and he sobbed desperately, now banging his head against the wall.

Watari was behind him, hands gentle as he braced him. This was what he'd meant, though not to the point it would hurt him.

Watari grabbed Dean's head to prevent any other injuries, turning him around. Dean leaned into Watari, and cried hard, his body trembling and in pain.

"Help me, please, Watari. Please. I don't know what to do."

"Let it out," he murmured.

Dean was crying violently, his chest hurting from the stress he was feeling.

"I want to kill her. I just want to hurt her for this. I don't even have my knife to take out a demon. L wanted her alive. "

Dean's head came up, tears pouring down it.

"There's no release, but there's got to be." He screamed, "Somebody please stop it!"

Watari held him. "She's gone. Exploded in a rather disgusting mess over the interrogation room. She can't hurt you anymore."