More Than My Own Life (Twilight Fanfiction)

Bella's Eyes

Once I register that it was Carlisle's hands on me I stopped thrashing. Now, I was in a very... Awkward position. My hospital gown was still pulled up, and I had no idea how much of my body was exposed with the position I was in. I couldn't find the bravery to look up. The door rattled and Carlisle set me down quickly, back onto the bed.

"Jacob, do not come in! She is fine but the situation does require privacy. Unless I call you, stay outside please." I reached back to pull my gown down but Carlisle gently pushed my hands away. "I still need to finish the examination." Of course he did. I clenched my hands together and laid back down on the bed, stomach down. I waited for Carlisle to pull up my hospital gown again so he could finish his examination but he didn't. I wished he would get on with it. I felt so awkward, just leaning over the bed. After several moments, he finally asked, "Renesmee, are you alright?"

Tears of humiliation were burning in my eyes but I didn't let Carlisle see them. Tucking my face into my arms I swallowed hard, and muttered, "I just want to get this over with." Miraculously, I managed to keep my voice from shaking. Carlisle pulled up my hospital gown and I clenched my teeth together tightly. I was completely naked from the waist down and my foster father was looking at me and... No. No, no, I can't think about it.

I felt Carlisle's hands on me, assessing the damage. Suddenly Carlisle said, "Renesmee, I'm going to need to clean the wounds on your backside. A few of them have scabbed over, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. This is going to sting a little, but shouldn't be too bad." I didn't have time to respond before a cold liquid was gently pressed over my skin. At first, the cold was numbing, almost relaxing. A few seconds later, though, I felt the sharp sting as the pain registered from my skin to my brain. I gasped and tensed up, causing Carlisle to murmur an apology to me, along with the reassurances.

After about 30 seconds, the pain went away, and the numbing sensation was back. "Alright." Carlisle said. "Luckily, you do not need stitches. However, I'm going to put a wrap on each upper side, and it would be in your best interest only sit or lean on soft surfaces." I nodded my head as Carlisle unwound cream-coloured bandages and slowly circled them around my side. "We are going to need to change the wrap daily, until the wounds close properly. Don't worry though, Esme knows how to do it so I won't have to." He must have noticed my sharp intake of breath at the thought of undressing in front of him again. While I hated the feeling of vulnerability that came from being naked in front of people, I preferred Esme see my body over Carlisle. 

"Alright." Carlisle said. "This is going to be rather irritable for the next few days." He glanced over to my clothes. I winced, realizing that in my struggles, I had embarrassingly flipped the pile onto the floor, and my faded polka dot panties were now on top of my other clothes, and clearly visible . Carlisle seem to notice this as well, because as an afterthought he added on, "it would be in your best interest to wear loose - fitting underwear in the lower region, and for the time being wearing clothes such as day dresses or basketball shorts... Nothing too skin tight. You may go back to your room whenever you wish... Or, feel free to explore the rest of the house."

He began walking towards the door and then looked back at me. "Renesmee." He said softly. I glanced up at him, standing so my hospital gown fell back into place. "You truly have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. We all care about you, and are determined to make this transition easier on you. While we are not going to push you or force you into anything... If you wish to learn how to read, there is a library in my office. It is only 3 doors to the left from your room. You may ask me, or anyone in this house for assistance. We will help you without judgement or question."

I just stared at him, confused. If he was going to hurt me, or send me back to the orphanage, or... Dislike me in any way, why would he offer to spend more time with me? I have been in the Foster system my entire life. I had seen every form of abuse, deception and hate. My whole life I have been lied to, regarded as nothing more than a statistic in the system. This was a game I've been playing for as long as I could remember. So why couldn't I figure out the strategy these people were using? What can I not simply understand their motives by their behavior?

"You haven't eaten in awhile. You are more than a few pounds underweight. Please come down soon, I know that my wife has been cooking all day. She does that when she's worried." Without meaning to, I blurted out, "worried"? Carlisle met my eyes and smiled. The action was so unfamiliar to me that I blushed and looked down, uncomfortable with a friendly gesture. "Yes, Renesmee. She was worried about you. We all were." And with those parting words he was gone.

I slowly made my way to my room. I got in and immediately locked my door, still trying to process all that had just happened. I didn't even notice that I had left my clothes in the other room. I stripped off my hospital gown and changed into new underwear from the top dresser drawer. Though I was still uncomfortable accepting new clothes from the Cullens, I decided to take Carlisle's advice about it being loose. There was, embarrassingly, a couple of thongs that Alice had supplied me with in my underwear drawer. I actually considered wearing one for a second. It would mean that there would be no fabric touching my scabs. I chickened out, as always, and just chose some loose cotton panties with childish flowers on them. Then  I opened my closet and tried to find some clothes, but quickly gave up. There was just too much stuff for me to find anything specific anyway. I laid back on my bed, knowing that no one could get in with the door locked anyway.

What was up with this family? Why were they trying so hard to get me to trust them? After so many years of being hated, it seemed impossible that someone might genuinely like me. But Carlisle hadn't said anything against me after learning I couldn't read. Maybe... Maybe they were being sincere.

How could that be possible after so many years? Why would anyone care about me when I had been told so many times I was worthless? I sighed as these thoughts racing through my mind. I couldn't believe it. How could I let myself? I have fallen into the same trap so many times. how could I get my hopes up when I knew that they would only come crashing back down when the Cullens turned out to be exactly the same as everyone else in the world? Liars.

A gentle knock on the door made me look over to it. The noise had been so soft I wasn't even sure if it had been real. But then a voice called out, "Renesmee?" I recognize the voice as Bella's. I walked over and opened the door, standing behind it to let her in. She looked at me oddly then closed the door slowly. I looked down, trying to see what it was about me that had her so confused. I realized that I was still in my underwear.

I looked back up at Bella, embarrassed. I was very hesitant to ask for help, but knew that I would never find anything in the closet without assistance. I met Bella's eyes for half a second before quickly looking away. I blinked at what I had just seen then slowly looked back up, ignore my rule of no eye contact.

Bella's eyes with the exact same color as mine. I had always been told that my eyes were odd, the Hazel around the pupil standing out against the little bit of brown. It has resulted in the nickname "cat eyes" and I had never seen anyone with my unique eye color. Until now.

I spoke slowly, still focused on my odd discovery. "Could you help me find... Anything to wear? The closet is too big." My voice seemed to echo, not quite coming out clearly. Bella understood, though, because she smiled and walked in the closet confidently, coming back less than a minute later with a skirt and a t-shirt. I was not a fan of skirts, but I doubted Alice had piled my closet with basketball shorts.

I took the clothes with a grateful smile in Bella's direction. She sat on my bed and I stared at her, waiting for her to say why she was here. She didn't talk, though. She just continued to stare at me with a sort of awed fascination. It was a look that would have made me uncomfortable even if I wasn't half naked. I quickly put my shirt on, then stiffly bent down to slowly drag to the skirt up. I looked down and muttered, "shoot" noticing that the skirt was too short and you could see several scars just above my knee. Bella followed my gaze and stiffened. "What happened?"

I answered very simply, "my last foster father pushed me onto his glass table."