More Than My Own Life (Twilight Fanfiction)

Toys for the Orphanage

I wondered if this was what shock felt like. All I could do was nod in acknowledgement at this new information as I numbly made my way to the car. I could feel Carlisle's concerned gaze on me, and I noticed Jacob walking right next to me as if I might fall over. I made it to the car without much effort and slid into the back seat, assuming that Jacob would prefer the passenger seat. Instead of sitting up front, though, Jake slid into the back with me. I kept my eyes on my lap as I felt his huge presence next to me.

"Renesmee?" He asked, as Carlisle got into the driver's seat. "Are you alright?" I just nodded. I could feel Carlisle's stare on me as he looked back, and I could feel Jacob's worry as he rested a a hand on my upper arm. As thoughts flew through my head at a rapid speed, I decided that they didn't need to worry. Of course, I wasn't exactly happy that Miss Michelle was dead. I just wasn't sad, either. I forced myself to look up and meet Carlisle's concerned gaze. With a smile that I knew looked fake, I encouraged, "Really, I'm fine. We can go." He held my stare for a few more seconds before finally facing forward and starting the car.

Jacob slid his hand down my arm and settled on holding my hand. I gave him a small smile, trying to rid him of the anxiety that covered his face. Then, I turned the other way to look out the window, squeezing Jake's hand to reassure him that I wasn't upset with him. I just wanted any semblance of privacy that I could get to process this new information.

Miss Michelle was dead. The woman who hated me, who hated all of the orphans. The woman who had called me names, and starved me, and beaten me. The woman who had threatened to kill me herself several times. Of course, I knew that she was an angry, depressed woman. It was the only reason I could think of that she felt the need to be so cruel. During the holidays, nobody every called or visited her. No family, no friends, no significant other, no children. And I knew how dark life could seem when you felt so lonely. Everybody at the orphanage did. It was a dark, heavy feeling. Still, I couldn't make myself pity Miss Michelle.

Her life may have been horrific. But that didn't give her the right to make everybody else's just as awful. I felt a smile tug at my lips. She would never hurt me again. She would never hurt anybody. So many times, I had thought about what might happen if an inspector made a surprise visit to the orphanage. Miss Michelle might be suspended. There might be a court case to have her removed. The orphanage might be improved, with all of the money she had stolen finally going towards the crumbling building and the children who lived within.

But this was even better. There was no drama, no inspector, no arguments, no search for missing funds. Miss Michelle was simply gone. The entire problem had been eliminated in a single second. I forced my smile to drop before it could grow any larger. 'Stop it!' I scolded myself silently. 'No matter how mean she was, it's not okay to be happy about someone dying.' I shifted uncomfortably. Turning to face forward again, I asked, "Carlisle? What are they doing with her body?" Jake tightened his grip on my hand as Carlisle sighed and looked at me in the mirror. 

"She was cremated 24 hours after she died." He explained. "They saw no reason to wait. Nobody showed up at the wake." I nodded, looking back out the window. I had been right. Nobody had cared enough to love Miss Michelle in life or in death. Despite the anger that I still held towards her, I looked up towards the sky. For the millionth time in my life, I wondered if heaven and hell were real. I hoped not. As horrible as Miss Michelle was, I knew where she would be going. 

'I remember you', I thought to the clouds. 'I don't miss you... but I do remember you. I can promise that you will never, ever be forgotten. And maybe you'll be a better person wherever you are now. A happier person. Maybe you won't be so angry all of the time. Bye, Miss Michelle.'

I took a deep breath as I turned my attention back to Jacob. I smiled at him, but then noticed his eyes were watering. I frowned, wondering what was wrong with him. I tightened my grip on his hand, and then my eyes widened in understanding. More aggressively than I meant to, I ripped my hand out of Jacob's, furious that my most private thoughts had just been on display to him. I crossed my arms, clenching my fists in frustration. Was this how it would always be? Would I always have to be on my guard, making sure that nobody was within reach when I was upset?