More Than My Own Life (Twilight Fanfiction)

Mark of a True Warrior

I regretted asking Jacob if he had ever imprinted. Of course he had. What were the odds that this handsome, charming, funny boy wouldn't be taken? And even if he were single, I was me. Of course he wouldn't like a plain, boring, anxious, messed up orphan. I had been dumb to let Claire almost convince me that this was a date. Thank God I had been careful to avoid calling it that in front of Jacob. That would have been humiliating. How would he have reacted if I had implied that his friendly invitation to hang out had been a date? I shivered, realizing how close I had come to a mortifying rejection. 

Jake stared at me, waiting for a reaction. I realized that in my efforts to not allow my embarrassment to show, my face had become blank, devoid of all emotion. I forced a smile onto my face. It felt fake, and I was sure it looked fake, too. But it was the best I could do in that moment. "That...That's great, Jake!" My voice shook the tiniest bit and I winced. Jacob nodded, still staring at me, but I could see a smile slowly growing on his face.

"Yeah. You-You think so?" He looked nervous. Not wanting to upset him, I just nodded. Then, finally, I realized that it was probably my turn to speak. "Uh...yeah. Yeah, it is. I'm happy for you. Who is she? When did you guys meet?" Jacob froze, his smile disappearing as he stared at me with wide eyes.

"You didn't figure it out?" He didn't sound like he was trying to be mean. Actually, he sounded really disheartened. I searched through our previous conversation, wondering if there was something incredibly obvious that I had missed. "Figure what out?" The way he kept looking at me made me uncomfortable. Clearly, I had missed something, but for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what.

"Oh." His voice was low and scratchy. Yes, Jacob was definitely sad. I hoped that it wasn't because of me. "Well, my imprint..." I could see the tears forming in Jacob's eyes, and I desperately wished that I could take back my question. I hadn't meant to hurt him. "It's okay, Jake! I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me if it upsets you." He shook his head, reaching up and roughly wiping at his eyes.

"It's okay, Renesmee. You should know. I... I lost my imprint a few years ago. She went missing when she was five." I brought my hand to my mouth, shocked. I had expected him to say that she had died or left him, not gone missing. If she had left him, at least he would have known that she was safe. If she had died, at least that would have been permanent, a sure thing. But for someone to go missing must have been the worst feeling of all. To spend the rest of your life, wondering if they were okay. Wondering if they were hurt, or cold, or hungry. Wondering if they stayed awake at night, hoping that you would come and rescue them. Any pity that I had felt for myself quickly vanished.

Poor Jake.

I had no idea what to say. Why, oh why, couldn't I have just kept my big, stupid mouth shut? "I'm so sorry, Jake. I... I don't think there's anything that I can say that could make it better. But-" I had no idea where I was going with that, but luckily I was cut off as Jacob pulled me into a tight, almost painful, hug. I didn't protest, realizing that he desperately needed that hug, needed any kind of comfort.  "It's okay, Renesmee. Don't be sorry, please don't be sorry. It's not your fault, honey. It was my fault, completely my fault. I... I should have paid more attention. I should have made sure that you-" Jake hugged me tighter as his voice failed him.

I had no idea what he was talking about. But, then again, maybe I didn't need to understand. Maybe my only role here was to comfort him. And so I did, holding onto him as tightly as he held onto me. After a few minutes, his grip loosened and he stepped away from me. I watched silently as he turned away to compose himself.

"You have, Renesmee." Jacob finally spoke, his voice no longer wavering. "You have made my life so, so much better. When I saw you in that office, I felt like... for the first time in a very long time, I could actually breathe. I felt like a man who had gone blind. For years, I lived without any source of light, any source of beauty. But then you showed up. My own personal sun." I smiled at him as he turned back around to look at me. Of course, he was exaggerating. Nothing and nobody would ever be able to replace his lost imprint. After all, he had just explained to me how significant an imprint was. When taking care of somebody was literally your entire life, how could you ever get over losing them? How could you breath, or laugh, or even live? How could you not yearn for them every second that you were awake, or dream about them every second you were asleep? Jacob had lost his entire world.