Poems of a Lost Girl

Brain Washed

Growing up I always thought that my parents were so wise,

They always knew what was going on and were very intellectual in my eyes.

I listened to them tell the T. V. that they knew what was best,

As I tried to understand why my brother couldn't wear a dress.

I would nod along as my mother told me not to listen to the devil's songs, 

I would never get tense when they talked about presidents,

Or conspiracies filed, for I was innocent and just a child. 

I had a good judgement of right from wrong, 

I never doubted that.

but when a stranger came along,

he showed me a new side of facts.

I would get angry, and I'd get mad! 

Homosexuality is a sin,

The men marry women and the women marry men!

You do not wear clothes that don't fit your gender,

Gender and Sex are the same.

You have a virginity, your body is not your own

it is to remain until your wedding day.

Music, T.V. and books that don't worship God worship sin.

And sin is what you'll be consumed in.

You are not to be bold, brave or stubborn unless that is in God,

Children are to be seen not heard.

You have no right, no opinion just mother's, father's overrules hers.

And if you don't agree, don't tell we, for we agree with them.

Are you beginning to see, what's wrong with me?
See why I am so confused?

Because I can't be who I want to be, because who I want to be isn't true.

If it isn't pure, and it isn't just, positive, clean and innocent,

it's sin,

and sin is punishable with fire to cleanse. 

And fire can clean the lewdest of liars. 

But still an innocent woman is thrown into it's fire!

Accused of being a liar,

like a witch burned at the stake.

I feel like my happiness is inventable,

like all my life is fake.

They make me feel like a mistake.

As if I hadn't done enough,

Because I can never be enough.

I can never be,

what they want me to be. . .

"The savior of our name"

"The one to break the chains"

I already failed them,

By being a "Libtard" 

By falling in love, 

I feel as though I cannot be enough 

because my enough is only their halfassed

Even though I'll live in a paid off house while they live off food stamps!

But that's fine, 

I understand.

I know I am not the daughter you had planned. 

I have to ask though,

how does it make you feel,

knowing although I am starving myself unintentionally 

I don't believe it's real.

How would you feel if you knew

that every time I feel upset 

every time I cry, or can't get out of bed in the morning

because I am so depressed that the thought of seeing the sun is agonizing

it's there, that skipping record.

"You're being over dramatic."

Even when I know, I know that I have all right to feel this way.

Because I am killing myself slowly, and I have lost all hope.

Because the people I love don't love me anymore, 

Because I feel sick, knowing that someone I love thinks badly of me.

Because I am broke, and we struggle to pay the bills,

Because I hate school, I hate everyone because they hate me,

and their eyes pierce into me like a fucking bullet wound and everyone laughs.

Because it's funny, that I'm miserable. 

Do you even know?

I feel like I'm choking, 

Your words of encouragement drown me, they force me to smile, 

because you don't know my wrists are bleeding and you don't know I am in pain.

You don't know I can't sleep because when I close my eyes demons haunt me, and my life is falling apart you just think I'm lazy.

You think I'm lazy. 

That I don't do anything, 

You don't see me clean the whole house,

do the dishes, mop the floors, make your bed, 

extra things I don't even have to do.

But I clean the stairs, because I know you love it.

And I do it all to make you happy but no.

You're right.

I'm lazy.

Because while I was busy cleaning your house all day I forgot to do my laundry before you got home.

You can get angry,

it's okay I understand. 

I know you're stressed out and have a lot on your hands.

I understand when you throw things, and yell at me.

I just wished you didn't have to feel that way.

But what do I know?

You've taken everything from me,

my pride, my happiness, my security, my chidhood, my self esteem, my sanity.

And as if it wasn't enough,

you just had to take my favorite thing.

My memories.

All knotted up and discombobulated. 

I can't even remember what's what anymore,

and I loved that about me more than anything.

Now I can't remember without having the overwhelming, stomach in knots, heart in my feet feeling:
I've been brainwashed.