Poems of a Lost Girl

Reflection

When you look at me,

Do you even see

The strong woman that I’ve grown up to be?

When you look at me,it

Do you even know

The torture I’ve endured to stay in your ‘home’

When you look at me,

Do you even think

For a minute or a second in your day

That maybe, just maybe I’m not okay?

That maybe just maybe I’ve gone astray?

That perhaps deep inside I’m collapsing on myself,

Because you never seemed to give a damn about my health.

You told me I was faking it, no matter what kind of pain I was in.

Never once did you try to fix me, you were far too consumed in yourself.

Even when I was so sick I couldn’t breathe,

You thought about not taking me to be seen.

That is just the outside you can see,

Not to mention what’s beneath.

The smiles that you see is just the gritting of my teeth

You mistake my bitten tongue for apologetic obedience

In reality it is just easiest,

Silence is more appealing to my sanity than disordinance.

Even so I can’t appease,

I could get down on my knees

Scrub the floors and do the chores I was never asked to do

It still wouldn’t be enough for you

Oh God forbid you tell the truth,

After all the lies and subterfuge

You’ve got a serious problem

That none of us can solve

So you blame it all on us,

It’s our fault your self esteem is made of dust

And there is no one you can trust

Because you betrayed all of us

Yes you are alone

but now I too am on my own

It’s your fault that I hate my home

And I am scared to be alone.  

So you take another pill,

Anything to keep your chill

Even if it doesn’t work

Just pretend that you’re not hurt.

You are so irritable on these things,

As if your emotions are all on strings

Your senses all are hyped

Because you can’t live without being high

It’s a wonder you survived!

Oh wait you didn’t really

Just a shell

An empty memory

It’s so sad to see through you so clearly.

Now that the mirror is turned to face me

I can see all the faded colors

Of who you used to be.

I used to let it get to me,

Knowing you were lying through your teeth,

Your bitter attitude

Towards the world around you

I just wanted to get away

But now I can see into your shame

And the disgrace that you’ve become

Is on display for everyone.

So now,

When you see me sulking from far away

And come up to ask if everything's okay

I’m here to tell you that it's not

Because you’ve polluted all my thoughts

I know now it’s okay to scream

That you’ve ruined everything!

Because I can never truly be free

From this endless catastrophe

You have destroyed my self esteem

Sense of self worth and imagery

All my hopes and all my dreams

Not to mention faith in humanity

Thanks to you I’m overcome with anxiety

These voices rest deep inside of me,

I cannot be without my phone,

God forbid  

I can’t have a bedroom door closed,

Just in case you come over

I keep looking over my shoulder

When I hear a stir at night

God forbid someone raise their voice at me

For I might shut down entirely

That was the only way

I could get you away from me

You never taught me how to deal

With emotions that are real

You never taught me what to say

Just said ‘don’t feel that way’

So I fucked up a million relationships

Because you fucks never taught your kids

I destroyed tens of people’s lives

Because you never taught me wrong from right

I was never told how to manage

So I turned to erroneous habits

Like a bottle of whisky mixed with

Winston 100s and pocket knife.

Although my scars will heal

They were meant to bleed

Your abhorrent behavior

Forever left it's mark on me