Poems of a Lost Girl

I have that feeling again

I have that feeling again

That dizzy making, stomach knotting,  heart breaking feeling.

A feeling that makes me feel light as a feather, but heavy in my chest.

The feeling that reminds me how fragile a human is when they have nothing to offer this world.

I have nothing to offer anyone,

No one needs me,

No one wants me,

No one believes in me.

Of course this is an over exahgeration.  

People need me,

I have a job, my employer needs me, but only temporarily and I could be replaced easily.

I have a cat, he needs me. He wants me, he misses me. And I feel the same way, but it isn't the same as what I crave.

My mother in law needs me, I help her almost every day.

But

We still have a huge barrier, age gap and she is my mother after all. It isn't the same.

My fiancé needs me, he wants me around, he loves me, he supports me, but he seems to be the only one. It is his kind of love that I look for in everyone.

I love him, but I crave more.

I hate the little friends I have,

They make me feel lonely,

They make me feel useless,

I feel as if I am a burden, a side thought, on the back burner in case no one else is awake or available.  

What a dreadful feeling, they don't remember anything about me, yet we spent our lives together.

They don't know me at all,

And from what I have seen, they don't care to.

They want each other more than me.

I am just the middle man.

I walk behind in the sidewalk

I sit on the opposite booth,

I am the last called, the after thought.

It kills me. I hate them. But what can I say? Give up my only friends because I don't like how they treat me? Say goodbye because they bully me? Demolish my self esteem and make me feel unworthy? It isn't fair if I stay, but I would be so lonely if I go… sometimes I feel two is lonelier than one.