Poems of a Lost Girl

The answer to my prayers

As I sit at the table with my head between my knees, my fingers tangled into my hair letting out a low groan of displeasure with the world, I can feel your stare. I know you're watching me, hating the idea of my temporary suffering. I hate it too.

While my fingers tightly grip the material of your polo, my eyes locked onto my list, my voice caught in the flesh of my throat for minutes to even hours; I can feel your unsettled gaze, I can almost hear you asking yourself if I will be able to talk later, If I am okay, and what to do if it gets worse.

When I cover my ears, when I shade my eyes, when I won't sit still and bounce my legs I know you're watching me, I know you understand.

You know why I wiggle in my chair at dinner, you know exactly why I tap my feet in the car, and when I pull on your T-shirt in the store or kick your leg under the table when the waiter takes our order you know exactly what to do.

Because you've been there too.

And how sad it must be, when I jump away from you, cover my body or my face when too quickly you move.

How disappointing it must be when I cower when someone raises their voice, how distraught it must make you when I cry over noise or beg you not to go, not to leave me alone, when I fall to my knees and beg you to take me home.

Yet you don't say a word, although I can see it in your eyes. You just hold me and kiss me and let me cry.

I know the horror stories are a lot to take in, when my nightmares wake me screaming and my delusions set in.

How horrid it must be to love a woman like me.

To constantly have to remind me that I am not insane, overreacting or in the wrong, to assure me I am beautiful even when I shred my skin, to love me in every form my anxiety embodies.

But what a wonderful feeling it is when you wrap your arms around me, hold me taunt to your body and in silence I hear you breathe.

How happy it makes me when you don't correct my ticks, when you sing along with me and encourage my opinion instead of hush me.

Oh how lovely it is to lay on your chest and recharge without having to ask, now you offer.

What a comfort it is to hear your voice speak when I cannot, have your hands guide when I am lost, and your kisses remind me I am not.

I cannot believe how kind you are to me, how patient you are as well as constantly yearning to learn about me. You sat with me for hours the first time I lost my voice, and now we developed a system in which through simple answers and various inanimate objects we communicate without words.

You have adapted to my ever changing habits, my inability to maintain a habit or schedule,  and rolled with every random and ridiculous,adventure, want or need I present you.

You have gained a constant babbling brook with my running mouth of problems, questions and concerns and you happily entertain every single conversation.

You took an ant outside.

And through every pointless explosion, every heartbreaking confession and every life changing decision you have stood by my side

How much I adore you, for you cherish me as I am. I have faults, but in your eyes they are only projects.

I have weakness but to you they are only how you show your strengths.

I am a wreck, yet all you see is a masterpiece in progress.

I am the moon of your life, and you my darling, the sun.