I don't want to feel

Chapter 6

“I told you to be nice to Daddy, didn’t I?”

He kicked me in the stomach and I couldn’t breathe anymore.

I curled up into a ball in an attempt to protect myself from his next blow.

It proved useless though, as he grabbed my hair and threw me again the nearest wall…

~~~

Fuck!

I sat up abruptly to force myself to fully wake up. For the second time that night, I found myself covered in sweat and shaking like a leaf.

It wasn’t real Sam… It was just one of these stupid nightmares…

I looked at my alarm clock and was relieved to see it was 7:30.

If I was quick enough, I might catch the 8:15 bus to Compton Beach.

I went to the kitchen, poured myself a big glass of orange juice and put two slices of bread in the toaster. Once they popped out, I spread some butter on them and ate them hungrily.

I hadn’t eaten anything since the fish and chips on Friday evening – well, except the few bites of the egg baguette in Newport the day before.

I scolded myself.

Sam, don’t forget to eat. You know what’s going to happen otherwise, and you don’t want that, do you?

I popped two more slices of bread in the toaster.

Food and I had never been friends.

I was never hungry. I wasn’t self-conscious, on a diet or anything of the kind, No! As I spent most of my time doing anything I could to run away from my past, I very often forgot to eat.

In the last couple of years, I had been forced to go to the hospital twice which was actually a huge improvement.

Danny was usually the one who made sure I ate regularly.

Danny! Shit! I don’t even know how her date went!  

I looked at my watch, 8:05, I had to go! I gathered my surfing gear, locked the front door and ran to the bus stop. Another look to my watch – 8:11 – Phew! I hadn’t missed the bus. I turned on my phone.

-15 missed calls and 10 text messages-

God, they must be mad at me for running away like I did… I don’t even know how they put up with all my shit sometimes!

I decided to focus on Danny’s text messages. I deleted those she sent me right after I left them the afternoon before, and cringed when I read her three final texts

I’m worried about you. Call me back, please. Xxx

~

I’m about to cancel my date with Josh to come and see you! Call me, please!

~

I’m in front of your house with Josh and you’re not there. I’m about to call the police.

The bus arrived so I jumped in and sat at the back.

Guilt was eating me up. I made myself listen to the voice messages and was relieved when I heard the last one.

“Sam, I don’t know where you are and I’m still worried about you but Josh phoned everyone and Kane told him that he had seen you jogging around town less than an hour ago. My guess is you’re “numbing” yourself again which, well, I understand, but I just would like to hear from you… You’re like a sister to me, you know that, right?”