I don't want to feel

Chapter 14

[I dedicate this chapter to 13strings/GuitarGirl249. Thanks for all your feedback! Go and read her awesome story, "Mirror, Mirror"]

I had to go…

I was about to jump when I was grabbed from behind and carried back on the cold concrete floor of the balcony. I couldn’t move. Chris was holding me tightly, with his face buried in my neck. He was shaking violently and his tears were now mixing with mine. I don’t know how long we stood there in the cold January night, but when Chris carried me back inside, my arms and legs were totally numb and I was freezing cold.

He sat me on my bed, grabbed all the covers and pulled me in his arms. I was crying quietly. I felt defeated.

He sounded like an adult when he finally talked to me.

“Sam, I know why you wanted to...” His voice cracked a bit and new tears flew down his face. “…To do it. I can feel your pain… But Sam, I can’t…” He was sobbing uncontrollably now. “I can’t let you go… I need you.”

“But I make you sad. And Daddy hates me…” I didn’t know what to say.

I could feel his stare in the dark. “I’m not sad because of you. I’m sad because I don’t know how to make him stop. I’m sad because you’re the most important person in my life and I can’t protect you from him.”

Despite how ugly my life was, his words made me feel a bit warm inside.

“Sam, if you die, I die.”

“But… I don’t… I don’t want you to die, Chris.”

“Then, live. I promise we’re going to work something out.” I was doubtful but he sounded so confident. I heard him take a deep breath as he usually did when gathering up the courage to do something.

“Listen, Sam. You have to promise me not to do it again. Because, you’d better believe me: if you die, I die.”

I could tell that he meant it. I shivered as a fleeting image of my brother’s lifeless body came to my mind.

“I promise, Chris”

“Pinky promise?” I felt his little finger against my face so I raised mine and locked it with his.

“Pinky promise.”

I dreaded what would happen to me the day after but in that instant, my brother’s life was more important.

~~~

“Chris… What am I supposed to do, now?”

“What… what happened with Chris?”

I was startled by Adam’s voice. It took me a while to acknowledge what had just happened... First this weird vision where I jumped off a cliff…

Where the hell did that come from?!

Then…

Did I really tell Adam everything that happened on that day?!!!

“Sam?” His voice sounded different so I turned around to face him. His eyes were red and puffy. He was crying.

“Wh…why are you crying?!” I asked him angrily.

His silence was unbearable. I started punching him in the shoulder.

“Answer me! Why are you crying?” I repeated still punching him. He caught my fists effortlessly and just looked at me. Tears were still rolling down his cheeks. He was shaking his head slowly. I tried to free my hands from his hold but he was stronger than me and he pulled me into a hug instead. Feeling outweighed, I whispered in his chest.