I don't want to feel

Chapter 17

[This chapter is once again dedicated to GuitarGirl249]

“Wake up! Breakfast is ready!”

Hmmm?

“Come on Sam, We’re going to be late for school.”

It was Adam’s voice.

What is Adam doing here?

I needed to open my eyes but I just wanted to go back to sleep.

I felt a hand grazing my cheek softly. I put my hand on it out of reflex, and when fingers slid between mine, I realized that I was not dreaming and opened my eyes to find Adam’s concerned eyes looking right back at me.

“Hey,” he gently caressed my face with his other hand. “Are you okay?”

Why would he ask me if… Oh!

It all came back at once. Thousands of images, of bits of sentences, everything was jumbled and flashed too quickly to really make sense.

I didn’t need them to make sense, though, as I now remembered perfectly what had happened the evening before.

This fact didn’t seem to reach my brain though, as the mini flashbacks kept spinning again and again in front of my eyes until I started to feel dizzy. 

Fresh tears welled up in my eyes, making everything look blurry.

I just wanted this to stop but I seemed to be trapped in this wave of memories.

Please, stop! Pleaaaaase!

“Sam!” Adam’s shout snapped me out of it.

Relieved, I let my tears flow freely and without thinking I let Adam hug me tightly.

“Shhh… It’s going to be okay, Sam.”

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. I couldn’t do this again. What was the point in fighting against something that always ended up coming back to me full force?

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be…

“Sam! Just shut up, ok?!” He sounded really mad.

Oh wait! Have I said that out loud, again?!

However, I was so far gone in my dark thoughts that I didn’t bother to acknowledge what he was saying.

 “You promised me not to give up…” He pulled my face to his. Our noses were almost touching. “You promised me…” His voice cracked.

Fuck!

“Do you hear me?!” He was shaking me softly. He looked scared. His eyes were full of unshed tears.

Fuck! There’s no way Adam’s going to cry for me… Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“I… I don’t do it on purpose. It’s just that I don’t see the point anymore…

I have the impression that absolutely everything inside me is broken. It’s so painful, you have no idea. I don’t want to feel anymore. I’m not good at it.”

My voice sounded hoarse as I tried to explain how I was feeling to him.

“Let me be your point, then. Do it for me.”

Tears were streaming down his face but he continued. “You just have to go through the motions. Get up, eat, go to school, sleep, and you do it again the next day. I’ve already told my parents that I’d stay at yours for a while. They said it was okay as long as we have dinner with them at least twice a week. I’ll be right there with you for as long as it takes for you to get stronger.”