I don't want to feel

Chapter 31

Even the lack of waves didn’t alter my good mood.

It was pretty windy though, so I decided to watch the kite-surfers who were making the most of it in the water.

Kane was amongst them, his wing easily recognizable as it represented the Union Jack.

He was by far the best kite surfer on the island, and he was once again demonstrating it as he jumped and did a 720°.

People around me started applauding him, thus alerting more passers-by who gathered against the railing to see what all the fuss was about.

They stayed and started punctuating every new jump with “ohhhhh” and “ahhhh”.

A backloop and a triple back flip later, and a small crowd of about fifty people was cheering him on loudly.

I had once tried kite surfing but hadn’t pursued it when I realized how unpredictable the wind was and how not in control and very very small, I had felt during the five hours’ session.

I had been scared that day when I should have felt excited.

That was what kite surfing was about, your ability to react to the ever changing moods of the wind while managing to do the best jumps.

I hated behaving in reaction to something, I liked to be in total control of my body and of my board.

~~~

I must have spaced out at some point, as I realized that the people around me were now congratulating Kane, who’d gone out of the water and was now rinsing off his gear at the tap.

He was struggling a bit, and none of his ‘fans’ seemed to notice it, so I went to help him.

“Hey.” I said as I took his wetsuit from him, and started rinsing it at the second tap.

“Cheers.” He mumbled, clearly uncomfortable with my presence.

Once everything was rinsed, I helped him fold his wing in silence.

I looked at my watch and saw that it was six o’clock already.

“Kane...” I said hesitantly.

“Hm?”

“Are things ok for you?” I whispered.

He nodded slightly before replying,

“They will be eventually. I’ll be off to uni next year anyway, won’t I?”

He was avoiding my eyes now, but before dropping the subject, I decided to remind him of his promise,

“Hey, no matter, what happened between us, I want you to keep true to your promise to come to mine if ever things got ugly at yours again, ok?”

His eyes welled up at my words but he recovered quickly and his blank face was back.

I grabbed his forearm firmly and insisted.

“I want you to promise me again.”

He looked at me straight in the eyes at that moment, and I was awestruck at all the different emotions he let me see. I recognized fear, sadness and gratefulness but lowered my eyes and took a step back, when I saw his anger was back.

“Fuck!” He cried out causing some people nearby to look our way.

I looked at his face again and saw that tears where rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them off quickly.

“Sam, please don’t be scared of me.” He begged me quietly. “That’s something I can’t handle.” He stuttered nervously. “I mean, I know I fucked everything up, but I wasn’t ready for it… Maybe, we weren’t meant to be… Broken me plus broken you meant too much was broken… I don’t know… But I do want to apologize to you, though, for acting the way I did…”