Bottled up | thoughts

COLLEGE; I'm scared

I NEED YOU GUYS TO READ THIS AND TELL ME IF IT IS NORMAL AND IF YOU FEEL THE SAME.

THIS TOTALLY CONTRADICTS WHAT I WROTE ABOUT LAST, but the truth is, I'M TERRIFIED OF COLLEGE.

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I worry about the stupidest things and get anxious over every little detail. I'm a hot mess basically

So yeah, yesterday I had a moment.

I was going back to school in just seven hours. I thought 'NOOOOO my life is over...I hate school' at first, and then I realized THE WINTER BREAK JUST WENT PAST SO QUICKLY LIKE SBHBHVGJVJF32 bbhbw WHAT IS THIS BLACK MAGIC ? IT'S 2016 ALREADY AND IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS OF ME DOING NOTHING AND LYING AROUND ON WATTPAD !! TIME IS PASSING AND YOU'RE MISSING OUT, KATE!! Then I started really torturing myself. I barely come out of my room, right? I'm an introvert and I'm addicted to Wattpad, so it makes sense. But I'm close with my mom. We talk all the time. BUT WHAT IF BY SPENDING MY LIFE LOCKED AWAY IN THIS ROOM, I AM NOT SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH MY MOM AND MY BROTHER AND MY WEINER DOG AND MY FRIENDS, ETC? I'M GOING TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR, AND THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, if you know what I mean. After college, I'm just a guest at my mom's house. I come to visit. Call me a mommy's girl but that's exactly what I am.

NO MORE FANGIRLING, NO MORE KDRAMAS, NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL. Right now I'm having the time of my care-free teenage life, but soon, I'll be leaving the nest. DID I SPEND MY TEENAGE YEARS IN THIS HOUSE WISELY??? was what I was thinking. And I would hate to look back on myself in the future, and think: Damn. I should've spent more time with my family before leaving the house.

Because after college, it's a job. Then it's real life. It's growing up, having kids, and then feeling myself grow old, wATCHING MY PARENTS DIE and then I die. Great.

(Oh my god maybe I should see someone for anxiety what is this)

Anyway I freaked out about it so much that I even asked my mom in the morning if I was spending enough time with her and if time is running out too quickly. She told me yes, and no, of course, I'm just a teenager and teenagers love to spend their free time locked inside their rooms breathing in their own dust and day-old laundry. And she said my 'isolation time' is not that bad. She's already accepted the fact that I don't spend every breathing moment with her like I did when I was like, three. It's a part of growing up. And that I should be excited for life.

I said, I'M EXCITED FOR LIFE, I SWEAR. I want to get married, and I want to see the world. But when all of that fascination and excitement from my twenties is over and I'm just stuck at home as a 50-year old wife with a job and kids? And there's nothing to look forward to anymore? I can't bear myself to think about it. How will I be happy then?

She said, 'stfu Kate. Only OLD people like ME past their 40's start thinking about this 'I'm close to death' stuff. You're just freaking out because it's 2016 and because we had family movie night yesterday. You usually just yell at me to get out of your room or tell me I'm annoying'

But yeah you know, MOM I LOVE YOU. Sometimes when I feel deeper than a vagina I think I have a timer counting down LIKE A BOMB to the day I just die and I can't do anything about it. And instead of living my life to the fullest I just sit at home and write this super long essay instead.

THEN basically, mom told me I'm still so young, and she's the one that should be worrying about death, so I should shut the fuck up.

So am I just a super old soul who's worried about everything or do you guys have irrational thoughts too?

Don't ask me how I got on this topic but it just happened. (Deep thoughts with Kate at 3 AM in the morning! Woo!)

(Oh god this sounds depressing but hopefully one of you can agree)

Edit: a note in case you're confused, my dad lives separate from us. Not because of a divorce or anything, it's because of his work. Korean families have this thing called the 'Seagull', where the wife and the kids move to America (for various reasons: the educational competition, maybe) and the husband usually has to stay behind in the country to make money. So they migrate and move back and forth between the 'warm' and 'cold' countries, (I think my dad last visited 2 years ago? I'm not sure) like a seagull (get it)? And it's not like they can fly over all the time from halfway across the world right? Maybe this is why I feel like I don't have a lot of time with my family? Lmao idk SO THIS JUST GOT DEPRESSING I just wanted to explain why I only talk about my mom on here. I love my family to bits and things just got so personal here I might regret it in the morning XD blah blah I suck I'll see you all next week <3)