Bottled up | thoughts

Why Do You Even Like Them? + Emotions

I hate that I feel the need to hide what I like outside of the Wattpad world. In the Wattpad world I can be in as many fandoms as I want and everyone is so welcoming and happy. But the second I talk about...say 5sos, in front of a classmate, they will think I'm a typical white boyband stan. If I talk about a kpop group I like, someone will tell me they're plastic surgery fakes. If I talk about kdramas, I'm just a lame asian. I hate it. I hate how all these things turned into guilty pleasures. Especially because some of the things I like are 'mainstream'. Once I felt ashamed for liking 5sos for the longest time. Because they were 'mainstream' and 'whitewashed' girl things. So I resorted to secretly obsessing about what I like with my friends only, but now I know they get tired of it too. They hate it. And it's not like I can force them to like what I like. I mean, I just feel frustrated about it all.

Can I just like something without being criticized or have someone roll their eyes at me for once? Do I always have to like something 'cool' that everyone else likes? Am I not allowed to fangirl?

Here's an example. I don't give a flying pancake if you like Ariana Grande, even if I don't like Ariana Grande. Even if I thought so, (I don't) I'm not going to tell you she's a flatout hoe or she sucks at singing because what's the point? Your life, not mine.

And if I, for some reason am going to judge you for that, I'll judge you dead silently, I ain't going to try to tell you you're stupid for liking some Ariana Grande action ok

Quoting one of my friends whose name starts with an A: "You're too emotional."

And to which I replied: "What do you mean?"

"Idk, like, for example you like things way too much. I'm serious. You need to stop. It's annoying."

Quote another friend today: "No one fucking cares. Stop with the girly Korean boys and send me the answers to the math quiz."

Quote: "I don't get why you like them."

"Lol why do you even like that shit"

"Calm down."

So what, I'm not supposed to talk about this stuff because it annoys other people?

Here's another thing that apparently annoys the people around me; EMOTIONS.

If some of you hadn't suspected it already, I'm bubbly around my friends, kind of weird, emotional and all over the place.  So for a while after hearing friend A say I'm too emotional I thought: I really really need to tone it down. I'm affecting other people and I need to fix this part of myself. No 'fangirling', heck, don't even show them how you feel because it annoys people when you get too emotional. You know that.

Even though I hate crying in front of people or show when I'm upset or feeling something similar.

But that bothered me for quite some time because telling me, to SUPPRESS THE EMOTIONS ?? No way. That's just who I am and I can't help it if I start crying in the middle of a puppy video or getting unnecessarily angry because my brother used all the shampoo. (Precisely why I named this book Bottled Up; I hold in too many things from the people around me and I AM GOING TO EXPLODE. ONLY WATTPAD UNDERSTANDS ME *cries*)

But anyway, I don't want to hear that I need to stop showing my emotions. I've been trying not to, even before you told me to stop. It's just sometimes, I thought I was already good at NOT being a mess (lol) but it's hard.

And !!! while that's a weakness of mine, it's also a strength because as cheesy as it sounds, it's what makes me understand better how other people are feeling.

So why don't you back out like 50 more feet and let me figure it out on my own. I'm not perfect.

Also you know WHAT

Tomorrow I'm going to wear my fricking bigbang sweater to school. I'm going to tape a photo of 5sos on my locker. I'm going to tell my friends all about my seventeen husbands living in Korea. I'll reblog tons and tons of photos of those 'white boybands' so they'll show up on YOUR FEED,

Take that, you taco warmer haters.