ASLEEP YET AWAKE

flying away

Next day i woke up with a feeling of emptiness sorrounding my heart. It is not at all easy to let go of people you love with all your heart. I knew that today is to be the last day that i will be in his vicinity. No matter how hard i wanted to accept the departure of ray my mind was not ready to do so. I tried counselling myself by chanting again and again that whatever happens happens for the greater good but the words were not sinking in my heart. I was feeling a void deep inside my heart that was eating me up inside...eating at my soul.

We reached the airport at 9 while the check in time was at 11. While mia tried to look for ray in the great crowd of people swarming around us some arriving some departing i focused my attention to other random things to avoid thinking about that one person who could make my cry and smile at the same moment. I decided to do people watching while mia called ray to ask about his whereabouts.

Whatever happens happens for good.

On the bench nearby i saw a mother feeding her 5 year old. The little girl with pig tails clutching at her mother's hand. There in the crowd was an old man with his daughter and also a young chap taking a nap on the seat nearby. Then there among the crowd my eyes caught the figure of a boy walking towards us. His lips set in a straight line and slightly tousled hair. That was ray. My breath was caught in my throat and the lump in my chest grew large . As if sensing my tension mia turned around and clutched my hand smiling warmly at him.

"There you are gentleman. We have been looking for you in this great crowd."

"Well yeah sorry. I was on the other side."replied ray.

"How is it going ?" Mia asked "I mean your parents and you. Your mum must be quite upset about leaving."

"Sure she is" ray answered in a monotonous. "I hope time will heal everything". He looked me through the eye while he spoke the last line as if it was meant for me.

Just then the intercom announced the arrival of his flight.I swallowed the lump in my throat and give him a little smile. "I hope that too. "

His eyes were on me entirely now. He reached forward and grabbed my hand. "You know you are priceless."

I managed to nod.

Taking my nod as an approval he continued,"dont let my absence break your heart. Dont feel sad that it is over so soon. Feel happy that it happened. I know you overthink things."
He pointed his index finger to my chest and continued "keep me there as a memory. But dont let my memory torture you."
With this he raised his hand and placed it on my cheek looking straight into my eyes " I love you. But perhaps we were not meant to be together. "

I could see the pain flashing across his eyes. If only he could stay I would do anything to erase any trace of pain from those beautiful eyes of his. I would make him happy. If only he could stay.

But he was leaving. I broke from my trance and lowered my gaze. He broke away from me. I lifted my gaze again to find his eyes.
"I love you too. Take care of yourself. Perhaps our paths will cross again. And you will find me here again someday waiting for you. I am not sad that its over so soon. Or may be i am but just a tiny bit. More than that i am happy that it happened. "

The lump in my throat grew bigger but i managed to smile at him.

The intercom again announced the arrival of his flight and i knew that he had to leave now. He looked at me and then at mia.
Then walked over her and gave her a hug "take care"

A solemn looking mia replied with "you too".

Then he came to me and gave my shoulders a gentle squeeze . He looked like he wanted to say something but could not. He squeezed my hand and whispered "take care".

It was talking all I had in me to not cry. If it was the last time we were to meet, if it was the last time that he will see me and if my face was to become a memory in his heart. I wanted it to be a happy one. And with this thought i smiled at him. I wanted him to remember my smiling face and not the one stained with tears.
I whispered " I will miss you".

He opened his mouth to say something but could not. He did not need to because his eyes spoke it all.

He gave us a last nod and turned around walking fast. As he walked i could see his chest heaving and i knew he was crying. Crying for a lost love.

I stood there paralysed at the spot trying to grasp the moment. I watched his retreating figure until he disappeared. We stood there for moments long enough.

Then with the final announcement of his flight talking off my tears came flowing through my eyes.

For the first time in three days I cried. The separation breaking me apart. Ripping my heart in two. The pain i felt was too much. Just as his plane took off my heart broke into bits.. into so many small pieces. He went away from me but he did not go alone he had something with him for he was carrying my heart , a piece of me. He did not go empty handed he took my heart away.

I cried my eyes out for the love i lost too. I cried that day for the boy i wanted to spend my entire life with.

The tears would somehow subside but the pain in my heart,the pain of losing will just increase with every single moment we are apart.

How I hoped in that single moment that he could return but he was gone... my ray was gone.

How I wished that  I could drown myself in the pool of my own tears to erase the pain.

How i resented the fact that the person who would not let me cry was becoming the reason of my tears...

But nothing could change the fact that he was gone and he would not return.