ASLEEP YET AWAKE

craziest craziness

The water droplets were falling from the tip of my hair on the surface of my pyjamas creating a wet spot where the fell. I sat there motionless and numb. I heard mom's footsteps on the stairs approaching my room. She came to the door and opened it. She was again holding a tray ladden with food in her hands. She was still wearing her apron. She entered the room and placed the tray on the bed in front of me.

"Good you have taken a bath". She told me in a motherly tone.
"C'on start eating". She ordered me.

I sat in the middle of the bed and placed the tray of food in front of me. I began eating. It has been a while since I had last eaten something substantial. I munched on the food hungrily while mom sat next to me in silence. She watched me eat.

When I finished the food she took the tray and placed it on the table. Then she turned towards me and I knew that it was time for some serious talking.

I was preparing myself for the upcoming words when she reached for me and gently placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I know it is better said than done but you have to be strong. Lara... my baby.... look at yourself. See what you have done. I know it's all my mistake somewhere. If I had been here for you to talk then may be you would have felt better but you know how busy it is at work". She said. Her voice filled with emotions.

"Mom.. it's... it's not your mistake.." I tried to tell her.

"No. Ofcourse it's mine. I should have been here for you when your innerself was in turmoil. But I was not.. I failed..". She trailed off with her last sentence and tears streamed from her eyes. If there was one thing I really hated then it was to see her cry like this. She had done nothing to deserve the tears and now I hated it even more when I knew that I was the cause.

I took her hand in mine and then wiped off her cheeks. "Mom I am fine and if there is anything wrong with me then it is not your fault. You have done nothing but love me". I tried to calm her but she continued sobbing. "I know how busy work is and I would have hated it if I kept you away from work".

"Perhaps if I had been a better mother...". She spoke but this time I interrupted her.

"You are the best mom. Don't feel bad for something that is not even your fault". I said in an asserting tone. I reached forward and hugged her tightly. A few tears left my eyes but I held on. "I love you mom".

We broke apart. "I love you too honey". She finally stopped sobbing. "I know you are strong enough but sometimes things shake us to the core and we collapse. I want you to meet a psychiatrist. It will help you to move on. Really move on".

"Mom...". I tried.

She placed a hand on my cheeck. "Lara I want good for you. You have to understand".

"Mom I am absolutely fine. I don't need a psychiatrist. I mean it's not like I am mad..". I protested.

"No. You are taking me wrong honey. Ofcourse you are fine but a bit of assistance would do you no harm". She replied back.

"But I don't want..". I spoke again.

"You have to do this lara. do it for me". She said. That final blow was enough. I knew I could not argue further. I remebered her sobbing just ten minutes ago and I didn't want her to cry again. So I agreed. It's not like I had any other choice.

"okay. If u say". I said and rolled my eyes.

"Everything will be fine again". She gave my arm a gentle squeez.

"Yeah except my own mom thinking that I am crazy". I retorted. I mean does she seriously think that I am psychotic or something ? "Anyways why are you home today ?" I asked

"I took evening shift today. I am just about to leave. It's already time". She said and stood up from her spot.

"Bye mom".

"See you honey. Take care and I had already taken an appointment with the psychiatrist. I will message you the address and time". She reached the door and grabbed the knob.

"Mom...". But I didn't get the opportunity to complete my sentence since she was already out. I sighed internally. My mom thinks that I am crazy. How can I possibly react to that ? Well after the panick attack I had earlier it is not very unusual of her to think of something like that.

I ran a hand through my hair. They were now partially dry. I got up from the bed and went to the dressing table. I gazed at my own reflection in the mirror. I looked weak and thin but I was not bothered about it since I gained weight easily. What I was worried about were the dark circles under my eyes. The gave me a sick appearance and my eyes looked like they were drowned in the hollows. I looked ill but not crazy. I was sure of that. I had been sleeping a lot but still I had deep dark circles I did not know how in the world this was possible.

I turned to go back to the bed but I stopped at the window. I had a strong urge to shut it. I did not want any disturbances in my world but I resisted the strong urge and walked past it. Surely my sudden hatred of brightness could not be attributed to something as serious as craziness.

Since I had nothing better to do and no one special to meet I sat on the bad and wondered about things.

I thought about the day ray left and the amount of pain his departure brought. I thought about the day Mia came to wake me. The way she sat on me while I hid inside the covers. How we fought and how we argued. We were so used to having arguments and every time we had one I would go to Ray and complain about her. But our fights were just about random things. Every fight we had strengthened our friendship further and further. I never felt the need to make any more friends. Her frienship was equal to having a hundred friends and all of it toppled with the love Ray showered on me made my life a fairytale. I was this happy a girl so content with life. Never did I thought that my life would become so much of a mess.

But to my relief I have found a way to be with them for they forever exist in my dreams. I had a lot of things to tell them. So much has happened today and I need to get it off my chest.

All of my thought redirected towards them and I felt like my subconscious was giving me signals that they were calling me back to the world of my dreams and I slowly fell into the world of my dreams as sleep took hold of me and pulled me down and down to the deep recesses of my mind where Ray and Mia waited for my return.