ASLEEP YET AWAKE

being an early bird

I stood up abruptly as the door of the lift opened disclosing Jenny. Like always she was bright and cheerful yet I could see a slight worry in her eyes. She walked towards me with a smile on her face.

"Are you all right?" She asked me with concern.

"Yes. I think I just over reacted on something". I lied. I had not over reacted I am utterly disturbed about the previous day. But her cheerfulness made me hesistate from confessing the truth.

"Good. Let's talk inside". She said as she motioned towards her office. I nodded and followed her as she began walking further.
Just before opening the door she turned back and said,"Anna could you please get me a cup of coffee?"

"Yes. It would be no problem at all". Anna replied politely.

We entered her office and took the usual seats. She bent forward and placed both her elbows on the table. "Now you can tell me what happened" she kind of ordered me.

I hesitated a bit. "They were not there. I cannot remember what I dreamt of the last night or if I even dream". I said. Panick was again settling in slowly.

When she did not reply back I thought that my point was not clear. " I could not sleep at first and when I finally did it was like really sleeping because I did feel asleep yet awake". I said in an attempt to make my initial words sound more coherent.

She drew back on her chair. "That is really great Lara. I don't know why you are freaking out?" She said. "The last time we talked we decided on letting go of your dreams. Right?"

"Yes. But I can't let them go. Not again". I said. I was now freaking out again.

"They are not gone. They are just not a part of your illusions now". She spoke.

"Whatever they are I don't care. I just want them back". I replied.

"You have just taken the first step towards your freedom. If you decide to look back you will fall four steps back". She insisted.

I stared at her. I was in a state which made me unable to think.

"I know it's not easy but you and only you can bring yourself out of this misery". She said.

I sunk low on my chair. I did not realize when I started crying but the tears were streaming out from my eyes.

"Lara you are depressed and there is nothing I can do about it untill you join hands with me". She spoke in a gentle tone. "If you don't want your dreams to go then you can keep them and I promise I won't give you any pills to effect them".

I looked up and wiped my eyes on the back of my hand.

"Who will be there for me when I need someone? Friends accompany you in bad and good times then how can I let them go?" I questioned her.

"You have to make new friends". She said.

"I can't replace them". I protested.

"No. You are not replacing them. You are just adding more friends to your friendlist". She assured me.

"Don't shut yourself from the world. There are many who can love you". She smiled at me. " From what I have seen I have gathered that you are scared of being alone. You are scared that you will have no one to love and care for. Is it not lara?" She questioned me.

Her words were like a slap across the face. I did not reply just looked at her.

She leaned forward. "I know it Lara. There is no hiding away". She said.

I felt like the walls were closing on me. I began hyperventilating as I realized that whatever she just said was true.

"I know it anyway. Meet me tomorrow and I will give you something. I am sure you will love it". She smiled at me.

"What is it?" I enquired.

"Let's just let it be a surprise. Okay?" She asked.

I nodded in response.

"By the way you look beautiful without the sunglasses". She commented.

I lowered a gaze and thanked her politely.

"Tell me how did actually sleeping felt?" She asked me.

"It was.. It was relaxing and when I woke up I felt fresh and energetic but when the reality broke on me I felt so devastated like I have just survived a tornado". I replied.

"I understand. But you don't have to make it hard for yourself. Relaxing a bit would cool that little brain of your". She said.

"But I can't let them go". I practically yelled in helplessness.

"Lara stop thinking like that. Will you? They are gone. Only their memories are here with you and you are making the sweet memories bitter by acting like this". She insisted.

"I feel so... so alone...". I tried.

"I understand. I am putting you on a simple medication that will help you. You don't need to take the sleep promoting pills if you don't want to. Anyway you won't need them after tomorrow. I am sure". She said.

"What kind of medication?" I asked her.

She took out a blue strip of tablets from the lower drawer and handed it to me. "Just some antidepressants to cool you down when you freak". She told me.

"Um.. I need to tell you something". I hesitated. Now flushing the tablets felt a stupid and childisg act while at that moment it felt like the only way out.

"Go on". She urged me.

"I flushed the tablets you gave me last time this morning". I blurted out and lowered my gaze.

"It's alright. You won't need them from tomorrow. Just take these pills when you feel over stressed. They will help you". She told me.

"Thankyou Jenny for being so nice". I told her sincerely.

"You don't need to thank me for anything". She smiled at me in return.

I smiled back and stood up from my chair to leave.

"Don't forget to come on time tomorrow. I have something that will make you happy". She winked at me.

"ofcourse. I can't wait". I replied as I went out of the door.

Anna was working on her desk but as soon as she saw me she stood up and walked towards me.

"How do you feel know". She asked me as she grabbed both of my hands.

"Better". I smiled at her. She seemed genuinly concerned and I liked it.

"Good. Take care". She told me.

"Sure". I replied as I walked towards the lift. Anna was a sweetheart. Her kindness warmed my heart and I missed Mia. She was a kind soul too. In death just like in life she was here to give me peace through her star.

I walked out of the lift and looked at the clear sky. there was still time before night would spread it's dark blanket and cover everything in the shade of twinkling stars.

I looked back on the road and began walking in the direction of home