ASLEEP YET AWAKE

life is not a dream

"Ray....". I called for him.

"Mia...". I again screamed.

Everywhere was dark. I could not see anything. My own voice ricocheted in the walls of my mind but I did not get any answer.

I again called out. "Mia... Ray....".

I panicked. Are they gone ? Where are they ?

I was about to break down just then I heard the engine of a car and everything became bright. It was Ray's red car. He waved at me from across the street. On seeing him I sighed with relief. I ran across to him. He motioned for me to come inside and I hopped in.

"Where were you going?" I asked him.

"I was coming to get you". He told me.

"I thought you left..".

"How could I when you don't want me to". He smiled at me reassuringly.

I smiled back."where is Mia?"

"Do you want to meet her?" He asked me.

"Yeah..". I replied.

"Call her then". He said in a matter of fact tone.

"How..?" I demanded.

He looked at me like I was crazy then again his gaze went back to the road even though there was no one on the road. "It is your dream. You can do whatever you want".

Right it was my dream and I could do what I wanted. How silly of me.

Suddenly the car stopped. He took out the keys from the ignition and the engine died. I looked at him questioningly but I got the answer to my unasked question when I saw the red brick wall.

My lips curved into a smile. It was the same cafe where we met for the last time. The same place where he told me that he is leaving me but we were again here and he has not left me instead he is here with me.

"Let's go inside". He grabbed my hand.

We climbed out of the car and entered inside the little cafe and sat at our regular table near the window which outlooked the street.

I thought about Mia and just as I thought my nose was filled with a familiar scent and I knew she was here. I turned around and saw her walking towards us with a grin stretched on her face. From across me Ray waved it her.

She came and  wrapped me in a hug. I was delighted to see her. She sat next to me.

"I feel so hungry". She spoke at once.

"You always are". Ray picked at her playfully.

She rolled her eyes and continued scanning the menu.

I suddenly felt as if something was calling me back. I stood up abruptly from the table and spoke," I have to go". I started towards the door but was stopped by his voice. " you will come again, right ?" Ray asked me.

I turned around and answered,"i will...".

I felt a gentle touch on my forehead. I slowly opened my eyes. To my surprise I saw mom sitting by the side of my bed gently caressing my hair. Her eyes looked dreamy and filled with love but I could see a little sadness at the bottom well hidden behind the love that surfaced.

"How do you feel now honey?" Mom enquired. Her voice was filled with love.

"I am fine". I whispered back.

She still looked at me in the same way.

I turned slightly to the direction of light. All the windows were wide open and their curtains were drawn apart. I slowly sat up in bed. I saw that my room looked clean. The great pile of packaged food was gone and there were no wrappers lying on the carpet. I knew mom must have cleaned my room while I slept.

I looked at her and then lowered my gaze. "I am sorry you had to clean the mess I made". I said in a little voice.

She smiled at me warmly. "It's ok honey. I am sorry I was not here when you needed someone to talk to".

"Can you please pull the curtains. I.... I...". I stammered a bit. I did not know how to explain her. I did not why I hated light. It just annoyed me. Perhaps it was a signal that it was time for me to get up and do the daily chores which I have abandoned since I was left alone by Mia and Ray. Perhaps I hated it so much because it was the remainder of a new day and I was not yet ready to leave the past behind.
"I.. don't like it". I finally managed to complete the sentence.

She reached forward and cupped my face. "You can't hide here honey". She whispered.

I could not meet her gaze.

"I know you had to face so much lately but you can't spend the rest of your life in this room. It is not like the world is going to end. I know it is not easy but you have to be strong Lara". She continued.

I did not respond.

"Do you even know what you have been doing to yourself for the past few weeks? You are merely torturing yourself with the inevitable. It will do you no good Lara. You have to let go Lara. The past is a memory. You don't need to torture yourself with it and make it better. You have to keep it safe in your heart and cherish it forever". Her voice was forceful this time.

"Mom...". I tried to tell her something.

She stood up from the bed and walked to the window and looked out. "I don't want you to torture yourself anymore. You have to be strong for youself". Her words were directed at me.

She came toward me again. "You probably haven't showered for some time. I will leave you to shower while I go and prepare you dinner". She told me as she grabbed the door knob. "Trust me it will help you to clear your mind sweetie. Don't do this to yourself". She opened the door and went out.

Her footsteps were audible to me as she climbed down the stairs. I sat there for a while my mind wandered into blankness.

I stood up and walked to the window nearest to my bed. I had a strong urge to shut the window but I did not do so. I did not want to hurt mom. My disobeying her would surely hurt her.

I walked away from the window and walked to my closet. I took out a comfortable set of pyjamas and a fresh pair of undergarments. I walked to the bathroom and hung the clothes on the nail. I undressed myself and stood there naked.

I reached the faucet and turned the shower on. I was drowned in the hot water streaming down. The water ran down my bare body. I gently ran a hand through my hair. The feeling was almost relaxing. I took some shampoo and massaged through my hair. The fruity smell filled my nostrils. I closed my eyes and continued the action. The foam bubbled and soon my fingers were covered in foam.

I took the soap and bathed myself in the hot water. The water washed all the soap from my body.

I grabbed the towel and wrapped myself. I took another towel and wrapped my hairs. On my way out I came face to face with the mirror. I walked towards it and wiped the foggy mirror. I looked at the reflection of the girl in the mirror. She was lean and thin. Her face was pale and her eyes were lined with dark circles. She did not resemble me at all. Her eyes were lifeless and dull. I was shocked when I realize that I was looking at my own reflection. I panicked and rushed out of the door.

I tried to calm myself and quickly pulled on the new clothes. I dried my hair with the towel. I went to the dressing table and picked up a hair brush. I combed through my hair. My hair were tangled since I had not combed them from a long time. I finally managed to succeed at it. I placed the hairbrush down and caught my reflection in the mirror above. The girl in the mirror looked so like me yet so different. I could not believe that the girl was me.

I walked to the bed and sat down. My mind was filled with thoughts. Was it possible that I was still myself yet not me?
Where has the old Lara gone?