ASLEEP YET AWAKE

caught in the web

I felt weak and fragile. The raw reality of the situation has ripped my heart apart. No matter how much it hurt me I knew whatever Jenny has told me today was true. Mia and Ray are gone and they will never return. In my sorrow and lonelimess I did not realize that my dreams were an illusion of my mind. I might have reincarnated them in my dreams but they were still an illusion and they disappeared every time I opened my eyes.

I hated the fact that I was the cause of my own misery. Instead of accepting the reality I ran away from it and drowned myself in my dreams. Now these dreams were pulling on me like quicksand.

I thought I was a winner for I found them again but instead I am a victim of my own depression. I am a coward because I ran from the ultimate reality. I forgot that the rain which wets you also washes the dirt from you away. I forgot that after every storm the clouds part and the sun shines bright again.

If I had been strong then I would have never found myself in the middle of this mess I have made of my life. Sadly, life does not has an undo button. We have to face life as it comes. It is not the end untill we surrender to the situation. The people who give up are called loosers for winners don't give excuses. They give reasons to stride forth.

I opened the door to my room with a bang. I felt fire in my nerves. I was ashamed of myself
I felt pity on myself for having been caught in this whirlwind of emotions. I shut the door and sank down on the floor.

Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on my legs. I felt helpless. I did not know how to deal with my own emotions. All I wanted was to get the old days back when I was happy. My friends were my everything and loosing them was a nightmare come true.

I crawled to where I had thrown my bag. Next to eat lay my sunglasses. I picked them up and aimed to the dressing table on the opposite wall. With all the force I could muster up I threw them straight at the mirror. I screamed as the glass smashed into pieces. My own scream was defeaning to my ears. I burried my face in my arms and sobbed. My sobs were heart wrenching and everything inside my shook as I cried for a lost friend and a lost love.

I did not know for how long I cried but when I stopped crying my throat was parched and my voice was hoarse. A numb feeling spread across my body and I felt empty. My head throbbed wildly and my eyes were shot red.

My mind had just one single thought that I wanted to be free. I reached for my bag and took out the tablets jenny had given me today. I took out two tablets and looked around the room for water. I was desperate to get rid of my dreams and for that I had to stay awake. I was just one step away from getting rid of sleep. I needed water. I looked around the room searching for water. When I could not find any source of water I rushed to the bathroom. I was delighted to see water everywhere. I put the tablets in my mouth and ran to the basin. I turned on the tap and drank from it directly. I swallowed the tablets and in that moment water tasted like nectar running down my throat. I drew away from the tap and turned it off.

I felt victorious for I had ensured that I will stay awake. I was delighted at my little victory. Happiness ran through my veins and I began laughing loudly. Yes. I won. I won't sleep now. I laughed merrily. I laughed untill tears ran down my face. I was a winner.

I walked out of the bathroom and towards the shattered glass. It looked like the web of a spider where my sunglasses had hit the mirror. I ran a finger on the shattered glass and instantly hot blood began seeping out of my finger. I felt a burning sensation in my finger where the glass had torn my skin. Red blood covered my finger. I put my finger in my mouth and sucked at it. The blood was salty.

I looked at my own reflection through the broken mirror. My heart twisted at what I saw. I saw my reflection in the several shards giving the illusion that instead of the glass it was me who was broken into pieces. My breathing became heavy and I drew away from the mirror. I covered my eyes to prevent them from seeing what my heart has accepted as the truth. It was true that in reality it was me who was completely broken into uncountable little pieces.

It was true that my heart was ripped and torn when ray left and it faced more assault when Mia left me alone too. But the reality being served to me so bluntly made me hyperventilate. I felt a sharp pain in the left side of my chest like several pins were pricking through me. I sank down on the floor covering my body with my hands as if even the air in the room mocked me. I felt alone and lonely like there was no place where I belonged.

I glanced back it the mirror. I realized that I was caught in the web my mind has built. My own helplessness was reflected back to me. I felt naked to the world. My emotions took hold of me and all the courage that I have build up shattered around me. I felt scared of the world. I felt alone and unwanted. I was a burden to my own self.

I wanted this misery to end. I prayed for all the pain to go away. Then I did what I knew made me weak. I begged for sleep to overtook me. For once I wanted to go back in my world of dreams where Ray and Mia waited for me. It was the only place where I belonged at this time. I knew once I am in my world of dreams this misery would evaporate like water. It was in my dreams that I felt happy. It were my dreams which were worth living for reality killed me every moment I breathed.

I wanted to sleep, to dream. But I knew this would not happen today because I had on my own given poison to my dreams. The pills that Jenny gave me seem to do their work. For the first time in weeks I yearned for sleep to come. whenever I wanted to sleep I could. But I, myself had ruined it all because now sleep and dreams were as distant as Ray and Mia.

I sat like an owl with wide open eyes. No matter how much I wanted to dream I could not beacuse the pills were forcing me against my will to stay awake.