ASLEEP YET AWAKE

my wobbly cat

Even though I never expected it but Ame was like the rain that quenched my heart's thirst of love. On her first day in my life she made me laugh. I had forgotten what laughing felt like. She brought back the real me in some aspect. But my depression was still a major story. It would still take a long time to heal those painful wounds. The void created in my heart was to be sealed by a new companion - my Ame.

After months of grief I got someone to love and care for. The sorrow which covered my heart in a thick mist was soon disappearing and it was just the first day of Ame in my life. My heart has grown so accustomed to loving and then loosing the people I love that I was scared that Ame might leave me too. It was the result of overthinking about this topic that converted my otherwise happy dreams into a nightmare.

I placed the basket next to my pillow as I climbed under the covers to sleep. I took a last look at the baby sleeping inside the basket and then switched off the lights.

My subconscious, like always transported me to the land of my dreams.

I woke up to find an empty corridor with no rooms. The corridor extended on both the sides in infinity. I felt an eerie silence sorrounded me. I instantly wished for mia and ray to come and to my surprise my wish came true. I ran to both of them and hugged them. They looked happy and natural. They did not seem to feel the feeling I felt, The feeling of something missing. I scanned their faces for any traces of fear but they looked natural.

"why do you look so lost?" Ray asked me.

"I don't know. It feels like I am missing something important". I said as my forehead wrinkled in confusion.

Mia took my hand. "Yes. You are forgetting us".

I looked at her in bewilderment. My mouth hung open and I stuttered. I wanted to speak but words did not form.

"You cheated. You are a cheater". Ray accused me.

"No...". I managed.

"You can't forget us and love someone else". Mia said. She looked angry.

"Lara you need us". Ray said.
"You need us". He chanted again.

"Replacing the love you feel us won't make you happy. You csn't be happy". Mia looked straight into my eyes.

At that moment it dawned upon me that it was Ame they were talking about. A wave of panick drowned me. I frantically looked around but could not find Ame.

"You are alone". Mia declared. I was horrified to hear such unkind words from my best friend.

"No one will love you back". Ray said.

They both verbally assaulted me while my eyes searched for Ame. I wondered what they would do to her. I wanted to tell them about my little pet but they seem to hate it already.

My thoughts were centred to just Ame.

Alone

Lonely

Unloved

Cheater

Such words ricocheted in the walls of my mind and I felt trapped in my own mind. Finally water rose high enough and it became unbearable. I looked at either side of me. The Corridor stretched far beyond but my mind was set in one thing that I wanted Ame. I began running towards the end of the corridor but the corridor seem to never end. Even though I ran with horse power their voices still followed me and that too with greater intensity. The more I ran, the more their voices amplified. But I did not surrender. I kept running.....

I woke up with sweat dripping down my forehead. My heart was pounding in my chest threatening to pounce out any moment. I felt relief wash over me as I realized that it was just a nightmare and not reality. Just to double assure myself I peeped in the basket next to me and found Ame still sleeping. My beating heart calmed a bit. My palms were sweaty and my head was thrombing.

Since when did I began getting nightmares and that too containing Mia and Ray? They gave me happy dreams and not nightmares.

I sunk back in bed. I placed a hand on my foreheaed in order to stop the thrombing. The rest of the night was spent trying to sleep. I checked on Ame one last time. Atlast sleep overtook me and I feel into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up in the morning with Ame on my stomach. I smiled at the feeling. I truly believe that Ame is the only one who has calmed the waters of my depression. She makes me happy and content. It is like all the feelings of love and belongingness that I have caged inside me for so long were now out for good. It is not just Ame who has got an owner but it's also about me who has got a companion. Never in the past month I realized that my depression was built from loneliness and the fear of not being loved back. All my fears burned to ash when I sat my eyes on Ame for the first time.

I picked up Ame gently and placed her on the bed beside me. I got up and stretched myself. Even though I was happy but the last night's dream still petrubed me. But I did what I am becoming good at doing, pushibg things in a deeper pit in my head instead of facing them and solving them.

I took a quick shower and dressed my self. Ame was still asleep so it gave me time to prepare breakfast for me and her. I walked to the kitchen and boiled some milk. I took out few eggs and cracked them on the pan. Omelette is becoming my ever too frequent breakfast. I made myself a cup of coffee and poured some milk in Ame's bottle. I put everything on a tray and walked back to my room.

To my surprise my little baby was trying to walk. Her legs were still week and wobbly and she fell down after every few steps. She walked with her legs wide open. Everytime she tried to walk she failed and fell down. Also the mattress was soft and fluffy which made it even difficult for her to walk. But at the same time watching her make so much of an effort was mesmerizing.

I walked to the bed and picked her up and placed her on the floor instead. She did better on the floor but still her walk was wobbly and funny. Her walk was nothing like the graceful walk of cats yet. I kneeled down next to her. She again tried walking and fall back on her ass. The scene was hilarious yet cute. I began laughing at her constant efforts. On hearing me laugh she began meow-ing as if protesting and telling me to stop mocking her. I grabbed her in my arms and placed her in her warm basket. I took the bottle of milk and began feeding her.

After we have had our breakfast we decided to leave for Jenny's. I picked up my bag and cellphone. Instead of carrying her in her basket I grabbed her little blanket and wrapped her in it then I carried her in my arms. She was such a bundle of joy.
I closed the door behind me as I got out on the street.