Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

12 - Pillow Fort

I woke up with red eyes and a sore body. My stomach ached heavily, causing me to cringe. My phone kept alerting me of incoming texts, one after the other. It buzzed repeatedly, alerting me to answer the never ending ploy of messages that were filling my inbox. After trying to ignore it for a while, I sighed and caved. I grabbed my phone, looking over the notifications that were displayed.

Cal-Pal: Hey Cara :)
Cal-Pal: Are you ok? It's 11... I thought you'd be awake
Cal-Pal: Babe? Answer please.
Cal-Pal: I'm worried about you Cara
Cal-Pal: ANSWER ME!
Cal-Pal: I'm still picking you up at 8?
Cal-Pal: Oh my god Cara are you ok??

While most of the messages were from Calum, there were a few that were from different numbers, but they still asked the same things. Michael, Abby, and Luke all had messaged me multiple times, asking if I was alright and telling me to call Cal, who was apparently very concerned about my well-being. I ignored the messages, tossing my phone to the side. Attempting to roll out of the bed, I grunted and cried out. A burning, stabbing pain spread throughout my whole body, causing me to tense, which only intensified the pain. Pushing through the stinging, I stood, walking gingerly to my bathroom. Pain radiated throughout my entire body, causing me to wince. I reached the bathroom, balancing wearily by holding onto the counter. Cold tile touched my bare feet, relieving some of the heat from my body. I examined myself in the mirror, I wore no shirt, only a sports bra and some baggy sweatpants. Two huge scabs stretched across my already scarred torso, reminding me of the hell I'd experienced the night before. I took a washcloth, wetting it with cold water. I touched the rough cloth to my scabs, dabbing them clean. I always kept my cuts clean, I couldn't let anyone know about them, and getting an infection could make them known. After I was done rinsing the cuts down, I grabbed a bottle of rubbing alcohol from a cupboard. I flinched just thinking about it. 'I have to do it.' I told myself, pouring alcohol onto the washcloth. I braced myself and touched the cloth to the scabs. White-hot fire raced through my entire body, beginning and ending at the scabs. I cried out, the pain so intense I fell to my knees. But it was done. I cried, the pain seemed to never end. Eventually I was numb, which in some ways was worse. I shuffled my way to my room, laying on my bed. I slept for two more hours.

I woke up to a loud knocking on my door. No one was home in my house, so I was the only option. I ignored the banging on the door, expecting the person to give up and leave. They didn't. Suddenly, after about 10 minutes, it went quiet. I laid my head on my pillow, ready to fall back into the depressed sleep I was so used to. 'I should've taken my meds this morning.' I thought to myself. I didn't feel like standing up to go get it, so I didn't. I put my face into my pillow, holding my breath, everything still hurt. My lungs burned after a minute or two of not breathing. As I took in a deep breath, I started to drift into sleep.

   My door flung open out of nowhere, and my heart leaped out of my chest. "Jesus fucking Christ!!" I screamed, throwing a pillow at the door in the midst of my panic. When I finally looked at the figure in the door I felt an overwhelming feeling of horror. "Calum?!" My hands immediately went to my stomach, hopelessly trying to cover the newest marks that stretched across. My heart was beating at a million miles an hour, my breath catching in my lungs. Calum looked at me with horror and relief at the same time.

   "I was so fucking worried! What the hell?!" He glared at me, then calmed down and walked to my bedside, pulling me to him. I carefully laid my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Cara? What happened. Please talk to me." He placed his forefinger on my chin, gently lifting my head so I could look at him. I lost it. Tears started falling from my eyes like rainfall. Calum hugged me tightly, pushing on my scars, I jumped. He stopped and looked at the two red marks plastered on my stomach. He just pulled me close to him, holding me as I cried. 'Why am I such a mess?' I wondered to myself as I cried. 'Calum could do so much better than me. I'm the worst thing that could've possibly happened to him.' He held me, soft but firmly enough that I knew he wasn't planning on letting go until I was ready. After a while of sitting with nothing but silence and the sound of my crying he asked again. "What happened?" I looked him in the eyes and told him the events of the night before. I told him about how worthless I was and about Danny and about the cutting. Calum listened intently the whole time. When I finished, the tears had left stains on my face, and I was almost certain I was anything but attractive in that moment. But I didn't care. "Cara." Calum said, grabbing my hand. "You're fucking perfect. Do you even know how perfect you are?" His rough words were said so calmly. "Danny doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you. He never will. You're not worthless. You mean the world to someone." He paused, thinking about his next words carefully. "I've known you for a week. I've known you for such a short amount of time, but Cara, you mean the world to me." His eyes met mine, holding me. Nothing captivated me like Calum's eyes. "It's way too soon to be saying this, but I mean it so.. I love you Cara. More than anyone I've ever loved before." Calum smiled slightly. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but for a different reason this time.

"Calum... I love you too." I spoke quietly. A relieved and hopeful smile covered his face. He hugged me, being careful to avoid hurting me. "I'm sorry I'm like this." I said, looking at myself and my room. "Speaking of which.. How'd you get in here?" He looked at me apologetically.

"I found your hidden key outside, I looked under the mat." He smiled. I gasped, gently pushing him as I laughed. "Sorry." He cracked up slightly, trying to hide his laugh. I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled the boy with the brown eyes in, kissing him with all the passion and love I had. He kissed me back, for a few seconds, the kiss made everything hurt less. When we pulled back, Cal looked at his watch. "Do you wanna have a rain check on the drive-in movie tonight?" He asked, glancing around my room. "We could stay here and hang out.." I smiled at the thought.

"Sure." I nodded and Cal's face lit up. "I've gotta shower though." I secretly hoped he would offer to join me, but instead he offered to go buy snacks. Once we had decided that two liters of Pepsi and a bag of pretzels with a jar of Nutella was a good enough snack, he set off, kissing me gingerly on the lips before he walked out the door. I went straight to the shower, washing away as much of the bad thoughts that I could. The hot water and steam seemed to help, they calmed me down. Once I'd finished I put on the most lingerie-like bra and panties I had. While they did look good, I wanted to look better for Cal. I put on a silk night gown that hung about six inches above the knee, and was somewhat satisfied. I brushed through my ratted hair until it was smooth and half-dry. After I was done I finally left my bathroom and walked into my bedroom timidly. Calum sat, wearing grey sweatpants and an old tee, his gaze traced my whole body and landed on my eyes.

"Beautiful." He mused. Then he looked back at my bed, which had, in the time it had taken me to get ready, been transformed into a fort made entirely out of pillows and blankets. I giggled and leaped onto the bed, Calum climbing next to me. The medium-sized T.V. that normally sat on my dresser had been moved up and placed on a chair. Calum pushed a button on the remote and the classic movie, Grease, also my favorite movie, unfolded on the screen. Calum pulled me close to him, and we watched for a little while. I wanted something more out of our little 'date' but I wasn't sure Calum felt the same. After fifteen minutes of singing and old-time drama, I began to grow impatient. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I rolled over so I faced Calum, then held myself over him. I kissed him, more passionately than before. My tongue won the battle for dominance this time, and his hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me body onto his. I tugged his hair gently, which caused his to kiss rougher. I liked it, and I went along with it. We kissed so passionately I forgot about everything else happening in the shitty world around us. Calum soon rolled, taking dominance away from me. His hands reached lower, to my hips. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him to me. I leaned in and kissed him again, he grabbed my face and pulled it closer to his. Then we kissed slowly, more carefully. And, just like that, it was over. We kissed a few more times throughout the rest of the movie, but nothing else happened. That is, until my phone started ringing, the buzz disrupting us in the middle of a soft kiss. Cal picked up the phone before I had the chance.

"Hello?" He answered, his Aussie accent filling my ears. His warm, happy expression changed stone cold. "She's not available." His voice was firm. "This is her boyfriend." He hadn't ever called me that before. It made my heart flutter. "Fine, but it's on speaker." He pushed a button on the screen, and a voice cracked into the air.

   "Cara?" I recognized the cold voice immediately. I mumbled, telling him I could hear. "You'll pay for this." He said, then static filled the line.