Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

29 - Almost the Truth

By seven that night, I hadn't heard from either of my friends. I had chewed my nails down to the bed, anxiety filling my every action. Cal said nothing of the matter, trying to change the subject. He went out for ten minutes, returning with McDonalds, which we ate in almost complete silence. I ate the fries first, savoring the salty taste as it touched my tongue. After a few minutes in quiet, Cal touched my back, which was exposed in the shirt I wore, his fingers tracing a pattern across my skin, filling me with comfort and love for the boy who had come all this way with me to surprise people who didn't really care. His warm skin made contact with mine, and it felt safe. I knew Calum loved me, and that was a great feeling. My whole life, I'd told myself I was loved by my parents, by my friends, by Danny. I'd spent so much time trying to please these people, to make them love and care about me, when in reality it shouldn't have mattered how I looked or how I acted. They should have loved me for me, especially my parents. The sad truth, I realized, is that they didn't love me as much as I had spent my meager life thinking they had. Sitting there, in a dim, dingy hotel room with the boy who had become my whole world, with the boy who had eyes that made me melt, the boy who's laugh made a horrible situation indescribably less horrible, I finally knew what it felt like to love. In that moment, I knew actual love, the kind that comes once in a lifetime, the kind that can be missed in a blink but can last a countless amount of time if it is found. And, for the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to be loved, actually, truly loved. Calum had told me he loved me, as had many over people, but Cal was different. When he allowed the words to leave his mouth, he meant them. I glanced at him, watching as he ate. When he noticed me watching him he paused, looking at me compassionately.

   "What's wrong Cara?" I shook my head, about to up play the charade I'd been keeping from him for so long. But he stopped me. "I can tell when something's wrong. It's been that way for a while. I love you and I want to help you but I don't understand the situation enough to be worth anything." He grazed my hand with his own, his warm skin touching my own.

   I don't like to cry in front of people, but it was hardly something I had a choice in doing. When my eyes welled up, I knew what was coming. I knew I had to tell him the truth. "Calum." The tears started falling before I finished the sentence I was going to say. He pulled me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I put my head on his shoulder, crying softly. Despite my best efforts, it was nearly impossible to stifle the tears that flowed from my eyes. "I lied." I choked out, the words catching roughly in my throat. He held my hand firmly, his fingers locking themselves with mine. I told him about my conversation with Abby, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him about Luke. I didn't want to hurt him, and I could already tell the words I spoke hit him hard. Calum was definitely one who talked with his eyes, and his eyes said a lot in that moment. Could he trust me? He looked at me worriedly, pulling me in for a tight embrace without a single spoken word. We sat like that. The subtle sound of our breathing filled the quiet air.

   "You know, you have real friends." Calum's voice broke through the violent silence, filled with weak energy that I knew he was faking for my sake. I pressed myself into him, smelling his cologne. It was the same cologne he'd worn so long ago, on our very first date. When I didn't respond, Calum continued his statement. "The boys, and Mali. They all love you. And I'm sure at least Abby will forgive you. Breakups are shitty things, they tend to bring out the absolute worst in people." His arm laid across me, holding me close, protecting me as much as he possibly could. I shrugged, the tears that had been falling from my eyes slowing. I was done crying, I decided. Heartbreak was something I was all too familiar with, so it didn't sting as much as I had expected. After all, I did have Cal, and the boys.

   "You're right." I breathed deeply, kissing Cal lovingly on the cheek. "Thank you, for being the best person in my life." I leaned back into the hug, holding Cal carefully. "I love you." I muttered, pressing my face into his chest. Cal held me, accepting the affection gladly. He kissed my temple, resting his forehead over the exact place his lips touched.

   "I didn't know love until I'd found you." He breathed, relaxing.

   Silence can be painful, or it can be healing. It all depends on the situation in which you find yourself. I felt myself heal with every passing second of silence. Occasionally a breath would sound above the veil of silence in the hotel room, but I liked the veil. For the first time in my life, it provided some kind of assurance that everything could -and would- be ok. For a moment, I actually believed I could stay like that forever, with Calum. But when the silence piercing Permanent Vacation played from the other side of the room, it startled me and Cal to life. I jumped, confused and also slightly embarrassed. Cal laughed at the ringtone, singing along softly under his breath.

   I scooped my phone off the floor, scrambling to answer it as quickly as possible. I slid my finger across the smooth screen, not bothering to look at the name of the caller. "Cara?"

   "Abby?!" I felt the contention in my own voice. I was ecstatic to be hearing from her, but slightly irritated at the same time.

   "Hey. So I read the note. Mads read hers too. I'm so sorry Cara, I was just sad and frustrated and Mads told me about you going to Australia and I took it out on you. I'm sorry." She spilled the words quickly, in true Abby style.

   "Mads?" I asked, happy to know that at least Abby had forgiven me in some context. But I desperately wanted to have both of my friends back. Cal looked at me curiously from the opposite side of the room, then shrugged and walked into the bathroom.

   "She's forgiven Ash..." Abby said nervously, dragging out her words. I felt my heart drop to the bottom of my stomach like a rock. "But she's not happy with you. She's coming on the vacation with us, but she's pissed at you. For what reason, I don't know." Abby said regretfully. She sounded sad and tired.

   "Oh." I mumbled, annoyance replacing the sadness I'd felt only a moment before. "Well I guess she'll have to deal with me." I said coldly, masking any hurt I felt with anger. I couldn't understand Mads' problem with me, but I wasn't about to let it consume me. "Abby. Has Danny been at school lately?" I wanted to change the subject and I spoke the first thought that came to mind.

   "No." Her voice crackled over the phone, her words filling me with an intense and indescribable feeling. "He hasn't been since you went to Australia."