Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

11 - Worthless

   "I miss you." His words coursed through the phone swiftly. "I saw you get in the car with the those guys today, it was all anyone could talk about. It hurt me so bad, seeing you like that, happy, without me." I listened to Danny, partially because I was too shocked to hang up, partially because I wanted to hear what he had to say. "Cara I'd give anything to get you back. I miss you so god damned much. Every time I see you I hurt. You were the only thing that made me happy. I'm sorry for everything." He paused, waiting for me to respond.

   "Danny," I could feel the tears already spilling onto my cheeks. "I miss you too. Like crazy. But I can't be with you again. I can't do it." My voice cracked, even though I tried to hide it.

   "Why the hell not Cara?!" Danny screamed through the phone. I cried harder. "I apologized, why can't you accept it and give me another chance?" He questioned.

   "Because!" I exploded. I'd been holding in my emotions with Danny for months, and I had reached my breaking point. "Do you know what the hell you put me through? Do you even have a fucking clue? No! You don't! Because you weren't on my side!" Hot tears fell from my eyes. "You weren't the one who lost the only person you'd ever loved, you weren't the one who watched them choose someone over you! All this time Danny, do you know what it's like to be sitting in my car at two am crying your name while your in her room screaming hers?!" I yelled at him, I'd never yelled at Danny, but I yelled at him. "It hurt me so fucking much! And you didn't care then, so why do you care so much now?!"

   "Because I miss you! I need you with me Cara! I need you!" He yelled. His voice was devoid of emotion. "Or maybe it's because I saw you get into the van with your friends and that man-whore today and I want to protect you!"

   "Don't you ever call Calum that." I spoke. I didn't yell, I spoke the sentence as if it was a fact. "He's not a man-whore."

   "Fuck that!" Danny shouted through the phone. The tears continued to stream from my eyes. "You think a guy with actual expectations would go for a girl like you? Do you even think for a second that an attractive person could like you for your personality? Because trust me Cara, your personally isn't much, and your looks are worse. You're fucking worthless. That's why no one could ever love you. That's why your parents don't love you, that's why your stuck with your pathetic group of loser friends. That's why you have to use some stupid fucking band as your support system. No one could or will ever love you. If you think for a second that any guy wants you for anything other than a groupie that they can toss to the side when they move on to the next state, you're wrong." His voice was cold, heartless. "You know what, fuck this, and fuck you Cara, I'm too good for your sorry ass." The line went silent.

   I sat in my bed, motionless. Tears streamed down my face, but I didn't make a sound. I grabbed my pillow, pulling it to my chest, and I broke down. Tears flowed from me like a hurricane, spilling onto the pillow. I grabbed it and bit down, hard. I screamed at the top of my lungs, using the pillow to muffle it. I hadn't had a bad night in a long time, and it hurt. It hurt so bad. My chest, my arms, my legs, my heart. Everything hurt. I stood and walked over to my dresser, grabbing a familiar metal object from a drawer. I pulled my tank top off, stuffing it in my mouth to prevent screaming. I cut only twice, once for Danny and once for Calum. Two more scars to my already destroyed heart. I wiped the blood that dripped from the cuts, crying as I did so. The words Danny had said to me rang clearly in my head, refusing to leave.

   'You're fucking worthless. That's why no one could ever love you.' I laid on my bed, rests on top of the sheets. The words repeated in my head over and over, hammering themselves into my brain. I cried myself to sleep.