Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

17 - Cigarettes

Calum's POV
***

   Cara had just left me. I stared down at the pack of cigarettes in my hand, flipping the top open. What a wonderful metaphor cigarettes were. I was a cigarette. Or at least I felt like one. I had been ignited by my love for her, only to be burned out and crushed. I felt crushed, broken, and overall, like complete shit. My hand found a lighter, striking a flame, lighting the cigarette. A warm glow emanated from it, and I put it in my mouth, my lighter back in my pocket. I pulled out something else, my phone.   When my screen clicked to life, a feeling of intense happiness as well as depression came over me. A picture of Cara, asleep, with her hair a mess and her eyes closed, smiling dreamily, was my background. God, I missed her. I dialed her number, hoping that, after three days of me and the boys trying to contact her, this would be the time she answered. It rang, but I had no luck. After three rings I was sent to voicemail, again. "Cara," my voice wavered, "I love you and we need to talk. Please call me or someone back. It's Cal." The words escaped from my mouth as I hung up. I tried to focus on smoking, but it was impossible. My mind was wandering to so many possibilities. Had Cara hurt herself? Had she... I didn't even want to think of it. The idea that Cara would take her own life was too much for me to handle. Sometimes I wished I'd never met her, so I could just finish my tour, go home, spend time with my family, and continue living the bachelor life contently. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't. I loved Cara more than I had ever planned to, I loved her so much it was hard for me to think properly when I was around her. But it was worse when I wasn't near her, when I didn't know how she was or what she was doing or if she was ok. Without realizing what I was doing, I dialed the number again. This time, it didn't even ring. I was sent immediately to voicemail. A sudden panic rushed over me. "Cara?! Oh my god please answer. You don't have to love me, you don't have to come back, but please please let me know you're ok. Let me know you're alive." I cried, tears slowly falling from my eyes. I didn't cry often, but I was so scared for Cara, for the girl I had unintentionally come to love. When my phone rang in my hand, I looked at the screen with complete excitement, but no such luck. "Hello?" I answered, the disappointment and desperation painfully obvious in my voice.

   "Anything?" Luke asked, tension filling his every word. He was worried about Cara too, I'd told him about her scars. Even though I knew it was private, Luke was my best friend. I could trust him.

   "Not a damn word." I sighed, defeat sounding from my voice. "I'm so scared Luke. I miss her and if something happened..." I stopped to take in a deep, shaky breath, holding back tears. "I don't know what I'll do with myself." Tears fell despite my restraint, running down my cheeks past the cigar in my mouth.

   Truth is, I'd been a mess when Cara had left me. It was like my world had lost al meaning. Music didn't help me he way it used to, things that used to make me happy became exhausting and tedious. All I wanted was her. I would've given anything and everything to see her, to hear her voice, to taste her soft lips against my own. The idea that she was gone, it killed me inside.

   "It'll be ok Cal." Luke murmured, attempting to be reassuring. He wasn't very convincing, but he was trying so I left it alone. "She'll be fine. Maybe her phone died. Or maybe she's grounded. If she doesn't answer in a week, which she will, then you can start worrying." His words somewhat comforted me. Luke wasn't always the best with words, but he did know how to make someone feel better.

   "Thanks Luke." I breathed, putting one of my hands through my hair. "I'm coming inside in a minute, I just needed a smoke."

   I'd been smoking a lot more since Cara left. It numbed me, but the more I did it the more was needed to numb me.

   "You needed a smoke.. At two in the morning?" Luke asked, clearly unamused. He didn't like my smoking at all, so when I started doing it more or bugged him. He knew it could be a problem, and he didn't want me to have that problem. "Just hurry up soon. We've only got two shows left in America. The one tomorrow, and the one later this week in Seattle, and you need to sound good for both of them." He instructed. I rolled my eyes, Luke was pretty good at commanding without being the commander.

   "Yes sir." I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

   Luke didn't respond for a second. We sat in silence for a moment before his voice broke through. "Cal, she'll call. Or she'll answer." His meek words were not convincing in the least, but I listened silently. "If she doesn't, we'll find a way to get her and you together again." He sounded scared. I knew Luke well enough, and if he sounded scared then he actually cared.

   "Thanks Luke." I repeated the words. "Thank you for being there." A muffled sound filled the line, something between a sob and a cough. I decided it was a cough.

   "No problem." He said, reassurance filling his voice. "Come up soon." There was a click. The line went dead. I hung up my end of the call, stuffing my phone in my pocket. I was so scared. So fucking scared. Even if Cara was ok, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to see her again. Had I already seen her smile for the last time? Would I ever be able to see excitement fill her eyes when something interested her again? Or was she gone? A stifled sob escaped my throat, and I held it back. I looked at the hotel we were staying in. I had to go inside.

   I removed my cigarette from my mouth, tossing it to the ground and crushing it.