Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

38 - Its All Over

   'He left. I lost him. What have I done?' I left Hawaii hours after Calum did. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I needed to go somewhere. I needed to get away from Luke, from Calum, from everyone. I used whatever money I had brought with me to buy a ticket back to California. A couple months earlier, I would've called the state home. But now, it wasn't. My home was with Calum... Or Luke... I shook my head, which helped with nothing. Never in my life had it been harder to think clearly. Who did I love? The only answer that echoed repeatedly in my head was frustrating and stressful: both of them.

-

   I stood alone in a room, wearing something heavy... A wedding dress. I looked around the room, which had transformed. I was at a wedding. My wedding. My hair was curled softly at my sides, and a beautiful veil matched my dress. Hundreds of people sat, staring at me, and someone else. I looked at the isle, where I saw him walking toward me. Calum. I beamed, and he returned the gesture. His chocolate eyes glowed with excitement and wonder. Suddenly, the deep brown eyes starting changing. The sky slowly invaded them, filling them. The man walking toward me had Luke's eyes, with Calum's body. His hair slowly changed to be like Luke's. The dark brown-almost black changed to a honey blonde. A lip ring appeared and Luke stood in front of me, smiling ecstatically. Confusion filled my head. I felt the same for both of the men, but I wasn't sure which one I wanted. I turned to face Luke fully, who was now standing next to me. I gasped when I turned, Calum stood next to Luke. Both of the boys looked at me, smiling. "I love you." They said in unison. I felt sick. "You told me you loved me." They continued, looking at me pleadingly, begging me to choose them. "Who do you want?" They asked me, anger and hurt ringing in their voices. The words repeated over and over, getting louder with every repetition. The words pounded in my head, asking me to choose.

-

   I jumped to life, escaping the hellish dream narrowly. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I sat up on the couch I had been asleep on. I was staying in my cousin's house for a small amount of time, until I figured out what else I could do. I had arrived in California, then at her doorstep, somewhere around three in the morning, but I knew she would be understanding enough of my situation.

   As soon as the sun rose, I was out of the house. I didn't want to be a problem, so I grabbed whatever belongings I hadn't abandoned in Hawaii and left, leaving a small thank-you note on a countertop. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I revved my engine, driving into oblivion. When I stopped on an empty road in the middle of nowhere I didn't question myself. My footsteps crunched quietly against rough soil as I climbed a hillside. When I reached the peak of the small mountain, my eyes scanned the view hat stretched beneath me. My heart ached painfully for Calum. I did love Luke, but in that moment I would've given anything to be with Cal again, before any of this had happened. 'Who was the anonymous number?' I asked myself, not bothering to speak. I was alone, no one could hear me. Not that anyone would want to. In that moment something inside of my ached to know one thing. 'Why?' Why had they sent the pictures that ruined my life, why couldn't I have been the one to break the news? Suddenly everything clicked in my mind. The notes, the stalker, the pictures, the messages, all of it made sense. They were all connected. I needed to talk to the person behind it all, because they were the only other one who understood my exact situation. Before I knew it I was back in the car.

   I made a beeline for a place that had once been familiar to me, speeding past all the landmarks of the town where I had lived the first eighteen years of my life. I breathed deeply, knowing I was about to walk into a dangerous situation that might not even help me. But I knew I had to do it. I stepped up a small walkway to a small home. My knuckles rapped on the door once, twice, three times. I heard footsteps and my worst nightmare answered the door. "Danny." I began, not allowing myself to show any emotion. He couldn't see that I was hurt, that I was weaker in any way. He stood in front of me, the cold and heartless remains of the boy I had loved so much at one point. "You got what you wanted." I concluded, meeting my eyes to his.

"No." He sighed, looking me over, his eyes scanning for emotion on my face. "I didn't. I got you to leave him, or him to leave you, but you still don't want me. So no, I did not get what I wanted." He spoke, his words devoid of any tone or emotion. "Unless you're giving it to me now, but I wouldn't be so naive as to assume." He finished, looking bored, if not disinterested, in our conversation.

"How smart. Because I'm the one who cheated on you." I spat sarcastically, careful to control my emotions. "I came to ask what it was like, to choose one person over another. To cheat and know you could only choose one. I'm no better than you in that regard now." I stated, knowing the words I spoke were one-hundred percent true. He looked me over again, then stepped so I could enter his house. I walked past him, into the all-too-familiar building. I'd spent many nights there, with Danny's entire family. I'd been closer to them than to my own parents, and I had loved them. Being in that place hurt me, knowing I could never have that family again. It also brought back memories of Joy, David, and Mali. I reminisced about the people I'd lost, and this time it was me who'd made the mistake. I was the one who fucked everything up when things were actually going well. I told Danny about the situation and his answer startled me.

"I sent Calum the pictures because I didn't want you to try to get away with it." He rubbed his eye with his rough hand, speaking slowly. "I can't tell you exactly what to do, but if I were you I'd at least try to talk to Luke. Don't push someone who loves you away. You say you're not sure which one you love... Don't push them both out the door." He gestured to me, then to himself. I understood his point, which came as a shock to me. He'd pushed me away, and this was his way of showing regret.

"I have to go." I stood and hurried out of the house, to my car. As I started the ignition and began to travel down the road I thought about the scenario that had just played out. Danny missed me. He knew well enough how badly he'd messed up, but he'd stopped trying because he was unsure. I wasn't going to be like Danny, I refused to. On the drive, I dialed Luke's number. He answered on the second ring, enthusiasm coating his voice.

"Hello? Cara?"

"Hi. Can you come to California soon? We need to talk... in person." I managed. I missed the boy on the other side of the line. I missed Luke terribly, actually. I hadn't cried since my encounter with Cal and I hadn't been tempted to until then.

"I'll be there tomorrow." He promised, hopefulness filling his voice.

   "Thank you. I'll explain later." I hung up, cutting the call short before I could allow myself to cry. I considered calling Calum, to talk to him, to hear his voice that I longed so deeply for, but I couldn't bring myself to it. After our fight I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle myself emotionally talking to him. So I settled for the other boy I loved.

At the moment it was impossible to believe things could get any worse.