Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

15 - Beauty Can Be Decieving

The view took my breath away. Stretched below me was a maze of skyscrapers, they stretched for miles, but on the west of the buildings, there was a sudden break. A stretch of land was covered in sand, which was cut off by the ocean. The city was sprawled out below us, it was beautiful but dangerous at the same time. A black cloud of smoke hovered over the city, slowly cropping off as it approached the ocean. People and cars bustled on the concrete streets, looking like ants from our height. Even though me and Cal stood in a relatively thick cluster of trees, almost everything green faded away the closer it got to the city. The view was beautiful still, sunshine glistened off the glass buildings. I looked at Calum, his eyes were on me. "It's beautiful." I whispered, gazing over the city. Sudden intense guilt filled my stomach. Calum was doing all these things for me, to make me happy. But tomorrow, he'd be gone. Once he was gone, the horrible, dragging pain of a long-distance relationship was going to affect both of us. The only long distance relationship I'd ever witnessed was when my cousin, Bailey, and her boyfriend of three years had spent a summer apart because of college. It had been hell for my her. At first, the relationship went well, they were happy, and they video chatted at least once a day. As time went on, their schedules started to change,they started talking less, the relationship became a source of stress rather than of happiness. Then, the message came. Bailey had come to my house crying, showing me the message that caused her distress. There was a picture of her boyfriend proposing to another girl. Under that, the text completed the horrible picture.

'I've moved on, and you should too.' That was it. Everything about Bailey changed. Back then, I didn't have enough experience with heartbreak to understand depression, but Bailey did. She fell into deep depression, barely leaving her house. One day, she was there, the next, she was gone. Then, one night, she couldn't handle it anymore. I was the one who found her. I had driven over to visit her, to try to have a good day with her, they were so rare. A note was on her kitchen cabinet, written in delicate, dark handwriting. It talked about her depression, about how she'd lost herself, about the shattered pieces of her heart that were causing her to bleed, causing her to die while she was still physically alive. She said she was dead on the inside, and she was sick of living while she was dead. I ran to her room, trying to find her, to help change her mind. But the sight I saw was something no sixteen-year-old girl should have ever seen. Bailey was dead, she'd killed herself. The picture was etched in my mind. All because of the long-distance relationship where they'd began to resent each other. All because they held each other back. If they had let go, she could have made it, but they had been foolish enough to think they could make it work, and it killed her.

   "A beautiful view for a beautiful person." He spoke, his eyes never leaving me. I looked into his eyes. The sun hit them so perfectly, the gold in them took nearly full presence. I couldn't have looked away if I'd wanted to. They were captivating, to say the least. If I had to choose one thing to look at for the rest of my life I would've chosen his eyes. Though thoughts of Bailey and that horrible night in her room filled my mind, I attempted a weak smile. "I thought you could use a change in scenery.." Cal said nervously, putting his hand on his neck, "I was worried you wouldn't like it. Most people don't see the beauty in it because it's a city." I stood still, listening to the boy I loved. "But I like it."

   I walked closer to him, trying to be happy. "Beauty can be deceiving." I said, taking his hand. "Something that looks beautiful usually holds a million secrets." I told him, I didn't remember where I'd heard it before, but I had known the quote for a long time. He smiled, squeezing my hand.

   "Then what are your secrets?" He quizzed. I assumed he was joking, but when I laughed he looked at me. "Someone as beautiful as you must have things you haven't told anyone." His eyes met mine again. He had to look down for our eyes to be level.

    I shook my head. "I don't know where to start." I joked, copying Cal's warm smile. I decided now was not good a time to open up. We were both happy, he'd done this gesture for me, and I didn't want to ruin it. "The only real secrets I keep are my feelings." I admitted, which wasn't a complete lie. "Oh. And I'm also obsessed with this band called 5 Seconds of Summer. I think I have a crush on their bassist." I joked. Cal smiled, chuckling at the joke.

   "I've gotta meet that lucky son of a bitch." He teased back. "I'd kill to be in his position." His hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer. I put my arms over his shoulders, linking them behind his neck. I placed my head on his chest as we hugged, listening to the calming thump of his heart in his chest. Eventually I looked back up at him, he stared down at me. I stood on my tiptoes and planted a small kiss on his cheek. One of his hands held my head up gently, and he leaned in. This time, when we kissed, I could feel the love between us. It radiated off of both of us, filling our hearts, coursing through our veins and sparking. It fueled the kiss, which only caused more electricity. Neither of us pulled away, so we held for what felt like an eternity, allowing the love to transfer between the two of us. It was easily the best kiss of my life. Because, for the first time I knew what it was like to kiss someone you loved and who loved you back. True love, not the fake shit you'd find so many other times in your life, but real love. The love I had for Calum was something I had never felt before, it was so powerful. It was the kind of thing you read about in stories, it felt unreal. Somehow, I knew he felt the same way back. I didn't have to ask, I didn't have to worry, I just knew. Could I really hurt this boy, the love of my life? When the kiss finally ended, Cal still held my head in his hand. Our eyes never broke contact as he spoke. "I love you so much Cara."

   "I love you too Cal." I spoke, my voice cracking slightly. We kissed once more. I had another secret I hadn't told Calum. And after the moment we'd just had, I knew I was going to have to tell him. I just didn't want to say it. The idea of the words coming out my mouth made me sick. But I knew it would have to happen. Still, I stalled, kissing him again, talking about literally anything else I could. By the time sunset was rolling around and we were driving back to my house, I knew it was time. "Cal. You're leaving California soon." I said. He looked at me, obviously confused. "You're going back on tour, how are we supposed to be with each other?" I asked, my voice began to crack more intensely as I tried to hide the tears that were filling my eyes.

   "I never thought about it." Calum stated, worry filling his voice. "You're not saying what I think you're saying." He spoke. He didn't ask, he didn't want to know the answer. He looked at me, begging me to not say the words.

   I remained silent for a little while, trying to gain control of my crying. "I love you. But we can't make this work. You know that Cal." I interrupted him before he could stop me from finishing the horrible thing I had to say. "We can't be together. It wouldn't be possible. So. We've got to end this Calum." I said firmly, but I couldn't control the stream of tears pouring from my eyes. I didn't want to say it, but I couldn't have Cal resent me, and after watching my cousin die because of long-distance resentment, I said it anyway.

   "Cara! We can make this work!" Cal argued, the desperation in his voice obvious. "I love you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. I can't lose you." His voice faltered, and when I looked at him, I saw tears forming in his eyes. "Please Cara. Can't we try?!" He asked, letting the tears spill. The car had stopped moving. We were in front of my house. I was sobbing at this point, hating myself more with every word he spoke.

   "Calum. I love you. That's why I'm doing this. I'm sorry." I choked out, forcing myself to get out of the car. As Calum went to follow me I turned. "Cal. Please don't fight this. Leave me alone. It's for your own good. If you stay with me, it's going to hurt us both." I turned and ran to my house, tears spilling violently the whole way. Calum didn't follow.

   New scars found their way to my body that night. But they were nothing compared to the pain I felt on the inside. I had just made the worst decision of my life.