Between a Rock and a Hard Place // c.h.

39 - A Test

   Luke took me to a hotel to stay with him the second he'd arrived. I'd been sleeping in my car after leaving my cousins house and a proper bed felt heavenly, almost as heavenly as Luke's presence. He was respectful enough to get a room with two beds, though I ended up sleeping in one with him anyway. It felt good to be close to another human being again, to hear his heartbeat in his chest, to know that he was there. We didn't have sex, though I would be lying if I said the idea didn't cross my mind once or twice. But I knew it was in vain, not out of love, that I craved the intimacy, so I stopped myself.

   We stayed in the hotel for two days before the sickness set in. It started slow, with a simple, al,oat non-existent stomach ache. I didn't think much of it, solving the problem by taking some pain meds and sleeping. That's pretty much all Luke and I did. We laid in bed all day, hardly speaking, just being near each other. It wasn't awkward, it felt extremely safe, normal almost. He held me through the pain, running his fingers through my hair or massaging my back gently. On the second day I made my way to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I vomited the remains of whatever was in my stomach, which wasn't much. Though Luke had brought food for me every meal of the day, I'd hardly taken a bite. I wasn't hungry, and I couldn't cut, so I starved myself instead. My reasoning wasn't very strong, but Luke couldn't force me to eat. My depression was etched into me, controlling every aspect of my nature that it could, and this time it decided to attack my hunger. Still, he urged me every meal and even managed to convince me to eat one or two bites. I threw up every swallow the first time I vomited. My chest heaved and all the air was forced from my lungs, my throat burning like fire. Luke stood in the doorway, watching me with a look of concern on his face.

   "I'm fine." I told him once I'd finished, flushing the evidence and forcing a small smile. He looked at me, clearly not convinced that I was fine. "I'm fine." I repeated, quieter this time. I was lying, and we both knew it. Luke hugged me tightly, comforting me the best he could, despite the circumstances.

   "Not to sound weird or anything..." He spoke cautiously, as if the words he said would put him in danger. "But have you taken a pregnancy test since you and I... Or you and Cal... We were within days and..." He stopped, looking at me, genuine fear in his eyes. Me, pregnant? With Luke Hemmings' - or Calum Hood's - child?

   I scoffed, rolling my eyes indignantly. "I'm not pregnant, Luke." I shuddered, thinking about how horrible it would be if I was. A baby doesn't deserve a mother like me, a self-proclaimed whore who has an uncontrollable case of depression. "I'll take a test if it makes you feel better." He nodded. "You have to buy it from the hotel lobby." I added, hoping he would change his mind. He didn't, instead kissing me on the forehead and walking down to the lobby two levels below us. I groaned, knowing I'd have to take a pointless pregnancy test to make Luke feel better. He was so young, and I guess the idea of being the father to a baby whose mother he wasn't married to freaked him out. He returned minutes later, a small paper bag in hand. I took it from him, closing the bathroom door as I took the test. When I finished I left it on the counter, walking into the main room. Luke looked at me hopefully. "I have to wait three minutes." I explained, earning a sober nod from the blue-eyed boy I had grown to love.

   "I'm sorry. I guess I'm paranoid." He apologized. I sat on the bed next to him, taking one of his large hands in my own. He smiled half-heartedly at me, an apologetic glimmer in his eyes. After days of being deprived, I leaned in, gently placing my lips against his. They seemed to move in perfect sync, as if we were built for this, for each other. He kissed me back slowly, passionately. Then, suddenly, he leaned back, looking into my eyes. "I really do love you." He muttered, smiling wholly.

   "I love you too, Luke." I grinned, pulling him in again. The cool sensation of his lip ring against my chapped lips set my heart a flutter, filling me with excitement and love for the man whose lips were planted so perfectly against mine. We seemed to fit like pieces of a puzzle, as I had described me and Calum. Calum. What was I doing? I pulled back, looking at the clock behind Luke. "It's been two and a half minutes." I commented, watching the hand tick around the clock like a count down to my death. He shrugged, sensing the moment was over, and squeezed my hand softly. I smiled at him, grateful for the help he'd given me. And then, like the flip of a switch I felt a wrench in my stomach. I ran to the bathroom, tearing through the door and dropping on my knees in front of the toilet before vomiting again. I hadn't eaten enough in the last week to throw anything up, so instead I threw up all air, forcing every consumed breath back out of my lungs, despite my best efforts to hold it in. I held onto the wall for support, my vision started going back and my head spin like a top. Luke came and grabbed my arm, steadying me and helping me calm down enough to get one solid breath, then another, then yet another. Eventually my lungs started working again, and my breaths carefully began to calm. Luke rubbed my back, his fingers providing a comforting touch that made me feel somewhat better. I leaned against the cold wall of the bathroom, resting my hand in my head. Luke dropped down next to me, resting his hand on my knee. He half-smiled at me, kissing my forehead and running his thumb across my cheek gently.

   I stood suddenly, remembering the test that rested on the counter. I grabbed the stick, turning it over in my hands, cupping it anxiously. I knew, or at least hoped, that it would be negative, but nervousness still plagued me like a fever, making my palms sweat and my hands shake. My future depended on the stick that twirled in my shaky, sweaty fingers.

   I took a deep breath as my eyes scanned for results.