Austin: is there a wikihow to make your girlfriend not mad at you?
---
Austin: and so if you find random Chapstick in your house, don't use it.
Maddie: I wasn't going to but okay.
#dontuserandomchapstick
---
Austin: I'm just gonna walk home
Ashley: no, you need to get a ride.
Maddie: yeah, my mom can drive you.
(Austin gets a ride with Maddie's mom, they get stuck in a ditch for almost 40 minutes)
Austin: hashtag party!
---
Jenna: whats lube?
Austin: Its like sexual butter.
---
Jenna: Hey Austin remember those polar bears at the zoo? Bubba and Berlin?
Austin: oh yeah I remember and then Berlin ate a camera and died
---
Austin: you know Kelby, they invented cereal so people would stop masturbating.
Kelby: no they didn't.
*everyone else joins in*
Jenna and Azrael: actually, yes they did.
---
Excerpt from lunchtime stories.
Austin: so Addie was Jewish, and she made a beard with her hair and said something in Jewish like safsrwrrq
---
Another excerpt from lunchtime stories.
Austin: so then Maddie whispered a pun, and it turned Dawson on so much he took his clothes off.
(Horrified looks from Maddie and Dawson, everyone else is dying of laughter)
---
Dawson: I have a tattoo of an Irish flag on my-
Austin: Irish?
Dawson: yup.
Austin: Maddie wants his shamrock shake!
Maddie: NO!
---
*Devon and Austin are yelling at each other across the cafeteria*
Devon: Austin, your girlfriend hates you!
Austin: which girlfriend? You mean the one that left you for me?
Entire lunch table: oohhhh
Jenna: SAVAGE
---
Choir teacher is talking about our fruit fundraiser.
Teacher: I'd buy fruit from you guys, but no ones even asked.
Austin yells across the room: wanna buy some fruit?
*whole class laughs*
Teacher: Yes I'll buy some fruit from you Austin
Austin: And can you get me another form? I lost mine.
*whole class laughs again, Teacher dies*
---
Chris: We're man sopranos
Austin: MANPRANOS!!
Choir teacher (laughs): sopmanos.
---
Sydney: Austin, I'm deleting your selfie off my Instagram
Austin: why?
Sydney: because people are saying relationship goals.
Austin: okay, just let me save it first. I look really good in that picture.
---
Playing imaginiff.
Imagine if we all were in a fire and could only save one item. Who would save a hairdryer?
Everyone: Austin.
Austin: I actually would.
Chris: yeah he always has to check his hair in his iPad camera.
---
