Summary: Phil keeps a diary where he writes mostly about his feelings for Dan, as he’s too scared to personally tell the other boy.
Warnings: mentions of eating disorders and self-harming
Word count: 3,713
-o-
January 8th, 2013
Dear Diary,
I don’t know what’s happening with me. I really have no clue.
I’ve never felt anything like that before. It’s impossible to stop thinking about Dan, he’s on my mind like all the time. I know it’s disgusting and wrong; everyone says it is, so it has to be right.
But I just can’t help my feelings. It’s not fair.
Why can’t Dan be a girl?
No, that’s not what I want. I wouldn’t be attracted to him if he was. I don’t think about girls that way.
I’ve never spent any thought on that, but now it slowly starts getting to me, that maybe the reason for me not being interested in girls is, because I’m gay. Wow, it took me long enough to see that.
I can’t tell anyone though. My parents will disown me. Dan won’t want to live with me any more. All my other friends will leave me.
No one can ever know.
~Phil
January 10th, 2013
Dear Diary,
it’s gotten worse. My feelings for Dan I mean.
I can’t be near him without wanting to kiss him anymore. He makes it hard for me as well. Always being so damn cute and adorable; especially when we play Sonic and he gets all happy when he wins.
He really makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Why can’t being gay be socially accepted? Why can’t Dan be gay as well?
Who am I kidding. He wouldn’t want to be with me in that way anyway. Why would he?
He can do so much better than me. I’m just pathetic.
I’ve also gained quite a lot of weight, since I’ve been eating chocolate non-stop; comfort eating…
I need to stop doing that. Otherwise I’ll get even fatter than I already am.
Lots of people have started telling me that in comments on my videos.
I need to lose weight; and I need to stop liking Dan.
HELP
~Phil
January 17th, 2013
Dear Diary,
I’ve lost about 6 pounds in the last week. I’m kind of happy about it.
My t-shirts don’t cling that much on me anymore and I needed to use another hole in my belt today.
My stomach is always rumbling and making noises now though, which is annoying, but I don’t care if it means I lose weight.
Dan hasn’t noticed yet. At least he hasn’t said anything. Maybe he’ll noticed and tell me I look good, maybe he won’t. I don’t know, I think it’s hard to tell that someone has lost weight, when you’re with them every day.
I probably wouldn’t notice either if it wasn’t for the numbers on the scale and the fact that my clothes are getting looser. I’ll just have to wait and see.
Nothing about my feelings for Dan has changed though. I still like him loads and I don’t think that will change any time soon.
Not being too obvious about my feelings for him has started getting a lot harder too. It seems like eating less makes my mind go all fuzzy and I can’t really concentrate on anything anymore..
That’s why I rather spend my time alone in my room now. I like being alone more, than being with Dan and having to hide my feelings. I feel like I betray him in some way; though I’m sure he has secrets too.
I don’t even know. I’m just really, really confused.
~Phil
January 25th, 2013
Dear Diary,
I’m sorry for not writing in you for ages (well, a week), but I’ve been really busy with the radio show and making videos.
People are still saying mean things about my weight and my looks, but it’s okay. I know they are right and they’re just encouraging me to eat less.
The radio show is going really well so far. The fans seem to like it and it’s really fun for me and Dan as well. It’s also really distracting and taking lots of my time, which is a good thing. It makes me forget about being hungry and wanting to eat.
It’s getting a lot harder to eat little now. The grumbling in my stomach is almost getting unbearable too. I don’t know why it’s so hard now. But I guess my body just needs to get used to eating less. Maybe it’ll be better in a few days.
Dan asked me why I’m being so distanced lately and why I stay in my room all day instead of sitting in the lounge with him. I got really nervous and my face turned all red because I had no idea what to tell him.
In the end I said I was just a bit stressed out because of the radio show and YouTube.
Then something unexpected happened. Dan hugged me. Like properly hugged me, I think I could actually feel his heart beating against my chest. We stayed like that for quite a long time and it felt really nice. And when we eventually let go, Dan told me to stop worrying about our fans and just relax for a bit.
I nodded, but then went back into my room anyway because it was hard to not kiss him right then.
Maybe I should tell him I like him a bit more than a friend. I don’t think he would leave me because of it, and maybe he even feels the same. Who knows?
~Phil
