Summary: Phil and Dan are hopelessly in love, but sometimes that isn’t enough to be happy.
Warnings: mentions of depression; character death
Word count: 4,200
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you’ve taken me to the top and let me fall back south.
Phil wasn’t exactly sure when he first noticed that something was gravely wrong with him.
Maybe it was that one time when his friends were joking around and having fun, and he just couldn’t bring himself to laugh or even smile.
Maybe it was when he was eleven and his parents threw that huge party for him, but he couldn’t enjoy it, because deep down he felt like it was too much and he didn’t deserve any of the things his parents gave him.
Maybe it was that last summer of highschool when everyone he knew agreed on going out to a club and get drunk, but Phil had declined the offer and stayed at home because he felt sick, had a headache, was exhausted and all in all just felt horrible - for no reason at all.
But maybe the time when it actually hit him, was a few months ago when he was at some office, applying for a job, and just standing by the huge window that covered pretty much the whole wall. The building was built pretty high up and Phil was on the top floor, just looking down onto the houses and offices, wondering if it was high enough to die if he was to jump down.
The thought itself maybe wasn’t too alarming - because let’s be honest, a lot of other people had certainly thought about that - but the way Phil was thinking about the whole concept of jumping and dying was a bit scary.
He wasn’t wondering how much it would hurt, or how many injuries he might get, but he was rather thinking about how he wouldn’t mind at all if he died there and than, and about how good it would feel to soar through the air only to hit the ground moments later and close his eyes forever.
But even then he didn’t really realize how odd it was to think like that. Only hours later when he was back in his apartment and playing some video games at three am because he couldn’t sleep, did he realize that something major was wrong with him and his mind.
A normal and mentally stable human being didn’t just think about death like it was an every day thing to do, did he?
It was weird, scary and Phil certainly was wondering what the hell was wrong with his mind.
Naturally, being the internet person that he was, Phil used google to find out more about his change in personality and hopefully get some answers.
After reading through a variety of articles and blog-posts, he eventually found something. A list.
Symptoms of depression:
*Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
*Fatigue and decreased energy
*Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
*Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping Irritability, restlessness
*Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
*Overeating or appetite loss
*Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
*Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty" feelings
