Summary: Phil has this curse where being in love physically hurts him and he’s convinced that he’ll be forever alone. That is until he meets Dan.
Warnings: none
Word count: 2,913
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12 years old
Love had never been something Phil had thought about or experienced. Well, that’s not fully true. He loved his mother, of course, and his father and the puppy he had when he was younger. But actually love to someone who isn’t part of your family or an animal, had never interested Phil at all.
While the other kids in his year – especially the girls – were constantly talking about who they had a crush on and whom they had kissed, Phil didn’t care about it at all and he was also kind of annoyed, because he just didn’t get what all the fuss was about. What was so amazing about kisses? It’s just skin-to-skin touches, nothing special, really.
However, when the boys he hung out with, asked Phil who he liked, he always said the name of a girl none of those guys knew and he just lied. About how he had met her in town yesterday and how they had ‘snogged each other’s faces off’ and how he wasn’t going to call her because he’s not one for long-time things. They were naive 12-year-olds and believed him, of course they did. There was no reason, why they shouldn’t. Phil had always been honest about mostly everything, so no one became suspicious.
But quite frankly, Phil found the whole subject of love and crushes just plain boring; just like the girls he was supposed to find ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’. They were boring and wore too much make-up and had a high-pitched, silly laugh he couldn’t stand to hear.
14 years old
As time went on, Phil’s interests changed – a lot. He still didn’t believe in love or anything like that, but something else changed.
He finally realized why he had never looked at those girls the way his guy-friends had. Why he had never found it ‘hot’ to see them in swim suits.
Phil was gay.
And the first time he actually noticed that, was when he caught himself staring at Tom from his Maths class and thinking that he was pretty cute.
Phil wasn’t even shocked when realization hit him. He’d kind of always known; or at least supposed. And he was quite okay with his change of sexuality. It didn’t really affect him at all.
His parents had always been rather supportive and his school wasn’t really homophobic or anything. Nevertheless Phil decided he wouldn’t come out just yet. Maybe his sexuality would change again and he’d start liking girls again (although deep down he knew he wouldn’t really). You never knew.
As soon as Phil accepted that he was gay - which didn’t take too long – he got a bit more aware about his surroundings, noticing the boys just that little more than he had before – especially Tom.
Tom wasn’t gay though, oh no, rather the complete opposite. A player, a womanizer, a little bit of a man-whore. Nevertheless Phil kind of liked him a lot and he tried to talk to him as much as he could without sounding weird or being clingy.
However, the more he talked to Tom, the more Phil started to feel a really weird, hurting sensation in his chest, almost leaving him breathless when he felt especially close to the boy.
It was weird and Phil was confused, because being in love wasn’t supposed to hurt, was it?
The feeling didn’t go away and he couldn’t help but feel a bit hopeless. Why was he hurting so much? No one had ever told him that being in love was actually painful. Why did that happen to him?
Phil was really, really confused and just that little bit freaked out. He didn’t talk to his parents about it though. He was close to them, yes, and they usually talked about anything, but Phil was scared they’d think he was a freak or something. A weirdo. And the last think he wanted was anyone to think that. So he just kept his mouth shut and silently tried to cope with what it meant for him to be in love.
16 years old
Eventually Phil’s feelings for Tom became less and less until he didn’t like him anymore at all and with his feelings, also that weird pain in his chest disappeared and Phil was more than glad that that was over now.
However, a few months later Phil was in love again.
With Jack, who he had met in the shopping centre and just couldn’t keep his eyes from. They started talking and made jokes and had just a lot of fun. Phil liked spending time with him, It was an easy thing to do. He didn’t have to act or anything (like he kind of had to do with Tom) and he could be just his weird self – and Jack didn’t mind at all. He liked Phil for it, really.
After a few months Phil told Jack about his sexuality. Not really because he wanted to get together with Jack or anything, but just because he felt like he could trust him; he was his best friend after all.
Jack took it extremely well and only a week later Phil knew why. Jack was gay too and had kind of a thing for Phil.
They got together and Phil was happier than ever, but also a little bit desperate. Because that weird feeling he had with Tom came back, even stronger now and whenever Phil only thought about his boyfriend, he almost doubled over in pain.
He feared something was wrong with his heart or his body in general, but little did Phil know the actual reason for his chest aching was the fact that he was in love. Really deeply in love. He had no idea why his body reacted so badly to being in love but it did and Phil was a little bit scared, because how was he going to live his life if he was in pain whenever he loved someone?
A few weeks, almost a month, later, Phil decided he had to tell Jack, because he just couldn’t stand it anymore and his boyfriend deserved to knew when something was wrong, didn’t he? Maybe he could even help Phil somehow, find a solution to this little … problem.
Phil told him his secret and Jack freaked out. He called him a freak, a weirdo, a creep. All the things Phil had feared to be called. And just like that Jack broke up with him and left him behind. Now not only with a strange aching in his chest, but also with a broken heart.
The day after their break-up was the first time Phil ever cried in school. Because apparently Jack had told everyone he knew about Phil’s secret and now it wasn’t only him who called him a weirdo but basically the whole school. And it just really sucked and Phil never had been good with social situations. So he just ran into the rest room and cried his little, aching heart out while his chest kept aching and hurting.
