Summary: Phil attempts to kill himself but Dan saves him. .
Warnings: mentions of suicide attempt
Word count: 1,367
-o-
Dear Dan,
this is unexpected and I understand that you really fucking hate me right now because I didn’t properly say good bye to you, because I never told you how I really felt. And you have every right to hate me. Honestly, I hate myself too most of the time. But I just thought it would be a lot easier to write everything. I’ve never been good at talking to other people, you know that. Me being shy was the reason for kids bullying me in school all the time. I’m long over that though. I don’t care about them or what they did. In the end most of their words were right any way. I am pathetic. I am a waste of space. I am ugly. I should kill myself. No one likes me.
It was hard keeping those thoughts from you, from our friends, from the fans. It really was hard, but somehow I managed to do it. I persuaded everyone that I was okay, that I was happy, that I loved my life.
Hah, what a lie.
Not even you noticed how much it hurt to keep on living every day, how much I wished for everything to end. I don’t blame you though. I’m a pretty good actor to say the least. You couldn’t have notice. I was too happy and chirpy all the time. It’s hard to notice things when someone tries his best to hide them.
I’m wondering if I’d regret it some time, but being dead seems a lot easier than trying to get better. And so what if I’m taking the easy way out? I’ve been strong way too long already. Always trying to please everyone else around me while I myself was gradually dying inside.
I’m sorry I kept all those things from you, but in the end it’s best like this. You’d have only tried to help me and I never wanted help from someone else. I never wanted someone else fussing around me and pitying me. It seems pretty silly, thinking about it now, but that’s just how it is. I constantly felt like annoying everyone when talking to them - whether it was about good stuff or about my problems. In the back of my head was always this pathetic fear of being annoying.
Did I annoy you? I know you hated it whenever I left open the cupboards or ate all the cereal, but did I ever annoy you with talking? I always feared I did, but I kept talking to you anyway. I was scared you’d leave me if I didn’t try to funny and make jokes with you. Would you have left? If I told you everything earlier? I wish I had an answer to this.
Maybe I’d still be here if I talked to you. Maybe I wouldn’t.
I hope it was too late already when you found me. I hope my heart wasn’t beating any more. That may sound cruel but I just wouldn’t want you to build up false hopes which would crash down again when I eventually died in hospital then. Even the paramedics wouldn’t be able to safe me after the amount of pills I’m going to take soon.
And Dan, please, please don’t think any of this is your fault, because it is NOT. You couldn’t have done anything to save me. I wasn’t ready to be saved. It is all my fault. Don’t make your life harder with blaming what happened on yourself.
I want you to promise to live on your life like before. Make videos, meet friends, eat, sleep, just live your life. I don’t want you to forget about me, no, but I don’t want you to grieve about me. Keep me in your mind as your best friend who’s watching over you know. Because despite not talking to about all these things, you honestly were the bestest friend I’ve ever had. No fuck that, you’re still my best friend and I’m still yours even though I’m not by your side anymore! I’ll be watching over you, okay? I’ll be your guardian angel from now on!
When the time is right, in 60 maybe 70 years, I hope we’ll see each other again. I promise to wait for you on the other side. But don’t rush it, take your time and live your life the fullest. Don’t do something stupid because of what happened to me. I don’t want anything to happen to you. Your life is too precious to be thrown away.
I love you and always will,
Phil
He was wrong. Phil was oh so wrong. The pills weren’t enough. His heart was still beating when I found him. The paramedics did everything they could and they saved him. Phil didn’t die. He’s in hospital but doesn’t know yet. He’s still unconscious.
My grip on his hand was tight as I read over his letter, his suicide note once again, for what seemed like the hundredth time. A tear escaped my eye and fell down on the crumbled piece of paper in my trembling hand, smudging the words where it landed.
I tore my gaze away from it and looked at Phil’s ghostly pale face instead. He looked so small and vulnerable in the white hospital bed, almost as if all of his life had left him already. The only thing that kept me from jumping up and getting a nurse to check on him was the steady raising and falling of Phil’s chest. It confirmed that he was still alive and that’s everything I needed to know. That he was alright. That he was going to be okay again. That he wasn’t going to leave me again.
"Phil..", I mumbled more to myself, knowing he wouldn’t wake up any time soon. The doctor had informed me that it would take another day or so for him to be ready to wake up. And even then I wouldn’t be able to talk to him a lot. He was going to have sessions with different specialists because of his suicide attempt.
"Please promise me you’ll try to get better when you wake up again. I don’t want to live in the constant fear of maybe losing you…" I trailed off, my voice filled with fear and desperation as I gripped on his hand tighter as if to reassure myself that he really was alive and next to me.
"I’m sorry I never noticed anything. I’m so so sorry. But I promise I’ll help you as much as I can from now on. I couldn’t live without you, Phil."
I tried my hardest not to cry, wanting to be as strong for him as possible. He needed me now, more than ever before and crying certainly wasn’t going to make him any better.
"I love you a lot, Phil. And I’ll stay with you forever, no matter what’s going to happen, okay? We’ll stay the bestest friends forever and ever" The words left my mouth without any further thinking, as I was sure Phil was fully asleep, not noticing anything that happened around him.
However, when I felt something lightly squeezing my hand, I knew Phil had heard every word I had said.
Despite not being able to say anything or move, his mind apparently seemed to work just fine. I squeezed back, gently rubbing the back of his hand as I watched his face. It was still emotionless, but now that I knew he was able to hear me, it didn’t scare me too much anymore. I just had to wait a little longer until I could see his beautiful, bright blue eyes again. Until I could see his lips curled up in a smile again. Until I could hear his soft voice again. A few more hours of patience and I’ll be able to hold him in my arms again.
"We’re going to make this, Phil", I mumbled, leaning over and pressing a small kiss to his cheek as if to emphasize my words. And when I had pulled back again, I swear I could see the corner of his lip twitching, curling up into a almost unnoticeable half-smile.
