My Captain

Guilt

*Emma's POV *

After the execution I was restless, constantly wondering if we'd done the right thing. I wandered the halls at night, unable to sleep or even lay there with my thoughts everywhere. Looking at Killian just made me feel more guilty, knowing he'd done all this for us, so we could be happy, and yet I was questioning it.

"Emma?" I heard one night as I sat in the courtyard in the chair Killian and I had shared for the execution, turning to see my mother coming towards me. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"You're one to talk," I sighed as she sat next to me, moving my hands to my stomach and looking back out at the courtyard. "I'm just thinking is all."

"The execution," she said knowingly. "You're having second thoughts about it. I did the same thing when we had Regina up there, but this was different."

"How?" I finally looked at her. "How is it any different? We still took a life. Whether it was a person who'd been after us or not, it was still a life." I looked away, shaking my head. "We should have found another way. A prison, exile, something."

"Emma," she sighed. "He escaped every prison he was put in, and you know he never would have stayed away. You heard what he said, he wasn't sorry in the least."

"Regina didn't say she was sorry then either," I pointed out. "But you still found another way. We should have."

"Maybe," she agreed reluctantly. "But it was still a very different situation. And I saw what he did to you, you were so close to death, it was beyond terrifying. And it wasn't just you, but your child as well."

"I know that. And Killian," the baby kicked at the mention of him, making me smile a bit as I ran my hand over my belly. "He did so much to make sure we were safe, I can't bear to tell him all this. I know in my head that it was our only option, but in my heart I just feel so guilty."

"How long has it been since you slept?" She asked with concern, putting her hand on mine on my stomach. "Or ate anything real?"

"I don't know," I said quietly, looking at my bump. "I haven't really been hungry since before Killian left."

"Come on," she pulled me up, holding my hand as she dragged me inside. "That was months ago, and you weren't even eating then because you were hurt. You need to get some food in you and that baby before you go to sleep."

"I'm not hungry," I mumbled as I followed her to the kitchen. "And my head is too chaotic to sleep."

"Well your baby is hungry," she said as she made me sit at the counter. "So you're going to eat what I give you. And know someone who's quite good at calming you down- if you'll let him."

"What do you mean?" I asked, a defensive tone coming to my voice. "If I let him. What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, come on, Emma," she rolled her eyes as she moved around the kitchen. "Like we haven't seen you pushing him away since that day last week? You let him hold you and touch you enough to were no one would think anything of it- unless they know you. You haven't even let him kiss you since that morning, have you?"

"Well, no, but," I looked back down guiltily, then sighed after a moment. "You're right. I've been pushing him away, and I can see how much it hurts him, but... I don't want him to think I don't appreciate all he's done for this family and our baby. I feel like if he knows I feel bad about killing Blackbeard, he'll think that I don't appreciate him."

"I think he thinks that more this way," she said as she put food in front of me, staring me down until I started eating. "I see how much it hurts you, too. You need him whether you admit it or not, and he's been very patient with you. You were doing so well, why did you revert now?"