The Kick Back

Come to an End

I was never really good with goodbyes. Whenever someone close to me would die, or move away...I would typically not go to the funeral or not be present when they finally left. With Stephanie, it would have been too hard for me to ride with her to the airport and watch her fly away from me forever. So I didn't. I felt bad about it but I had to be real about the situation. I wasn't ready to say goodbye but I was being forced to do so. My heart was broken and in my mind, I was gonna shake that shit off. If she could leave me so quickly and without much reserve, then I was gonna have to get over her and move on with my life.

I was laying in the living room when 7PM hit. I happened to look at the clock just as soon as it struck 7. Stephanie's plane was taking off as I laid there. I felt the tears trying to form in my eyes and immediately wiped them away. I didn't wanna cry over her anymore...I didn't wanna feel the things that I felt anymore. I wanted to be completely over her, especially since she was no longer living in Oakland. I had put it in my mind that I was going to take the steps to get over her, date other girls, live my life to the fullest, even if that meant doing so without her. It was gonna be hard, but I was up for the challenge...or so I thought.

After about two hours of really mulling things over, I became miserable. My mind was trying to push Stephanie out of my thoughts, but my heart felt like it was being squeezed like someone ringing out a towel. All I could think about was what if I never got over her? What kind of life I would live and if I would ever be able to love again. Those questions lingered in my mind for the next few hours. Finally, once my family had went to bed and the lights were all turned out, I decided that I had to get out of the house. I hoped that it would make me feel better or at least distract me from the pain that I was feeling. I went to my bedroom, grabbed my house keys, and then made my exit.

I walked all the way over to the East side. Things had changed in the community because of Stephanie's bravery, so there was no reason to disguise myself or be afraid. My intentions were to walk past Stephanie's old house and try to get my thoughts together. I hoped that it would help me cope...help me come to terms with everything. The empty house would be a reminder...a push...a symbol that things were over between us. I needed closure and it felt like the best way to get it would be to start the acceptance phase. I didn't hate Stephanie, nor was I really angry with her. I was disappointed though...the girl I had met at the kickback...the love of my life was gone.

I walked up to the front steps and stood there for a moment. I remembered the times we had kicked it while her Uncle Tim was gone. Times we sat right there on the porch and felt each other up. Our time together was amazing and I had fallen head over heels in love with a round the way girl from the East side...something I never in a million years thought that I would do. Tears came to my eyes as I continued to reminisce. I missed her...and nothing that I could say would disguise that. There was no way of hiding it. I wanted nothing more than to be able to see her smile...look into those deep dark brown bedroom eyes and kiss her soft lips again. The pain had become too much and everything in me was telling me to walk away from the house and leave the memories where they were.

Instead, I decided to climb through her window as I had done so many times before. I needed to relive at least one of the good moments that we had shared even if I had to do it without her. I made my way over to the window. Strangely enough, the window was still unlocked. I pushed the window up and climbed inside without thinking of what or who was possibly waiting for me. No matter how much things had changed, people were still grimey and if they felt like they could find something in an empty house, they were gonna do it. I made my way inside quietly and proceeded through Stephanie's bedroom. I looked over at the naked bed...and reflected on the way we used to make love nonstop when no one else was home. Stephanie's moans and screams began to echo in my mind as I walked over to the bed. I sat down for a minute and looked around...the air was still and the room was eeriely quiet. I looked over at her dresser and noticed an envelope sitting there.

I was hoping that she didn't forget anything. I didn't know exactly how to get a hold of her, so if she did leave something important, I would keep it in my possession until the day she returned...if she ever did. I walked over to the dresser and picked up the envelope. I opened up the letter and began reading. The letter was for me...she knew I would be back eventually. The note expressed every single feeling that she had and it let me know that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling. That comforted me for that brief moment. She had left a nice amount of cash which she explained in the note. Part for me, and part for Gabby to get out of Oakland when she got old enough. I was instructed to put the money away and make sure that it was safe. Upon further inspection of the envelope, I removed a plane ticket for a 10PM flight to Michigan, which I had missed. I was in shock...Stephanie expected me to follow her. I didn't know what to think at the moment and I still wasn't sure about what I was going to do. I was in the process of getting myself together and trying to forget about her. All of these things were throwing a wrench in what I thought would be my plans. I didn't notice that something had fallen to the floor when I pulled the ticket out. I looked down when I finished the letter and I happened to see it. I bent down slowly and picked it up.

I looked down at the picture in disbelief. "Oh shit..."