Change of Plans

36|Pain

Saturday, April 29th

White. All I see is white. The soft carpet tickles my arms and I twist it around my fingers. The suns shines through my blinds casting shadows on my skin, warming it up. I stare at the vast white ceiling with nothing planned for the whole day. The whole week has been exactly like this. Absolute. Hell.

I wake up, take a shower, get ready and go to school. I try to avoid him at all costs. I ignore him in English, never look his direction in class, and ignore people's comments about how miserable he is. He does the same thing so it's a win win situation.

Almost.

He stopped sitting with us at lunch, who knows where he sits now. It makes it easier to ignore him though. After school I drive home, do my homework, eat dinner, then get ready for bed. It's always the same.

It's always the same and it's like nothings changed. Except everything  has changed. Except, now instead of it being a normal routine, my daily patterns just remind me of how different life would be if he was by my side. He would help me get out of my comfort zone. Before, it was just my usual schedule, now it's a constant reminder of him. My routine kept me organized, it kept me sane and made me feel safe. The organization helped me process things. 

Not anymore...

I guess the world has a cruel way of twisting things because right now, all I feel is the chaos and entropy crushing me to the ground. I'll be fine one second and then the next, the ache consumes my heart and it's hard to think or breath right.

I hate it.

It's like the thought of him is just lingering in the corner of my brain, waiting for the most inconvenient time to pop back up and ruin the swift, fleeting feeling of being okay.

I hate it.

On Saturday morning I woke up to tons of calls and texts from Lily and Jenna because I had kind of ditched them at the party then left without telling them basically anything.

Whoops.

I felt the worst on Saturday and Sunday so I responded short and to the point:

Aidan and I are done, I'm fine. See you on Monday

Monday, I was feeling pretty okay. I was sad but had mostly come to terms with the break up. Then I saw him. He looked fine, tired and maybe a little bit out of it, but fine. That's when I lost it.

I had been in distress and confusion and strife all weekend and had just come to my senses and I hated that he was fine. How was he fine? I was so angry that he was fine and I was an absolute mess.

Lily and Jenna didn't mention anything on Monday which I was more than grateful for. I ate lunch alone that day. 

Tuesday I️ couldn't go to school. I stayed in bed all day hoping that maybe he would text me, asking me where I was, if I was ok. 

It was pathetic. 

My phone never left my hands and when I did get a text, I had to stop myself from getting my hopes too high that it was him sending me the message. It wasn't him, it never was. Every time I checked my phone and it wasn't him, I just became more angry.

Jenna and Lily came to my rescue Wednesday morning after texting me all Tuesday that I needed to come to school.

They made me shower, did my hair, picked an outfit and gave me quite possibly the best pep talk they could.

I went to school looking like a ten and feeling like a seven. Not too shabby.

I saw him in the parking lot and it went to a six, Then, I left my Algebra homework at home, I dropped down to a solid five. English rolled around and my anxiety kicked in. Walking through the halls to that class was the longest four minutes of my life.