Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 19

Later that day, after lunch, Jeremy came and got me. The females had a free hour while the males were outside taking their turn with Russ doing yoga. Yes, I said yoga. I found it hysterical that we had a group dedicated to this "art form". Shauna was watching them from the window, laughing at the poses they were doing. Well, the ones who were participating. A couple were sitting there, cross-legged, pretending to "meditate". When Russ wasn't looking they would throw pinecones and grass at each. They looked like five year olds. I had been writing in my journal when Jeremy came into the room. He nodded his head at me then asked "Can I pull you away for a while?" "Sure," I replied. I closed my journal and got up. When Jeremy turned his back and started walking out of the room, Shauna mouthed the words "lucky bitch" at me. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

I followed Jeremy into his office and sat down in the same spot I had when I first arrived. He closed the door, sat down at his desk, then let out a long breath.

"You really scared me, you know," Jeremy told me. "I thought you were dead."

"I'm so sorry," I responded, and hung my head.

"You're going to have to start talking to me about anything and everything. The things from your past, the banal trivialities of everyday life, anything that angers you or saddens you. Once you start opening up and become used to talking through things you'll realize how easy it is. You have to stop getting stuck inside your mind like that."

I nodded my head in response. It made sense. I just knew how I was though. I isolated myself as a coping mechanism. But I guess if I started talking with him regularly I would get used to it.

"We're not going to talk about your family right now. I don't want to overwhelm you. It was poor thinking on my part to push you to talk about it on your first day," Jeremy told me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know what to say to that.

"So let's talk about your life before you came here. What were you doing? Who were you hanging out with? What was a normal day like for you?"

This seemed so stupid. My life wasn't that interesting. But whatever works, right?

"Okay, well...a normal day for me would be...Waking up at 8 AM. Recently I would be getting high right away, so that would happen. Uh, then I'd get on the bus to get to work by nine. I worked, or uh, work at a pizzeria. So that's pretty uneventful. I would sniff more pills at work. I'd get off of work at 4 PM. Then it just depended on the day, what I would do. I went to a lot of parties. Thursday in the Square. Hung out with RC, my best friend. Well, I have two best friends but Danielle lives in Okalahoma. I was always sniffing more pills along the way. Then eventually I'd pass out or black out."

As I was telling all of this to Jeremy I realized how meaningless my life seemed. It was kind of depressing.

Jeremy just nodded his head, taking it all in. Then he asked "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I laughed out loud before I could stop myself. Ugh. I can be such an idiot sometimes. Jeremy looked at me quizzically so I told him "Uh, I don't like relationships. So I, um, hook up with different guys a lot. Actually I won't see the same guy twice. I don't let myself. Except Jack. Which I shouldn't have done, because now he's attached and it going to be that much worse when I have to end it."

"Why do you 'have to' end it?" Jeremy asked.

"Because," I told him. "Then they think you want more than you do. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't even want a fuck buddy. I want a one time deal, no strings, just some good fun." It was kind of embarrassing to talk this way to Jeremy. I would have started blushing but he asked for it.