Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 32

Lunch had already ended, Shauna left, I had been to Topics group, and was now twenty minutes into some stupid group where we were reading from some lady’s memoir of her addiction to alcohol. I couldn’t concentrate at all anymore. I was a ball of nerves, my stomach was in knots, and I felt nauseas. I didn’t understand why Jeremy hadn’t seen me yet. In my head, that meant bad news. Why else would he be putting this off? I was starting to get really pissed, and resigned myself to drawing all over photocopied memoir we each had received. I zoned out, not hearing a word that was said, just focusing on the page in front of me.

In the margin of the page I drew faces. Every face had a different expression but none of the had eyes. They just had gaping holes were their eyes should be. I concentrated on trying to convey the emotionn on their face when they didn’t have eyes to complete it. Scribble, scribble, erase, wipe the page, scratch, scribble, erase, wipe the page…

“Aaagghhh!” I yelped.

Some one had tapped me on the should and scared the hell out of me. I whipped around and saw Jeremy towering over me. Everyone was looking at me and I felt like I got caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to.

“You ready to talk?” Jeremy asked. He look annoyed. Seeing that look on his face almost made me want to cry. He was annoyed, done and over this whole situation. I knew it.

“Yeah,” I said, my voice cracking a little. I packed up my things, got up, and followed him out of the room. I felt like I was on death row walking to my execution.

We, entered his office, and I walked to me seat. I threw my stuff down on the floor next to me and plopped down onto the seat. I drew my knees up to my chest and hugged my legs. I watched as Jeremy settled into his seat, then just looked at him, waiting for him to tell me to start packing my stuff because I was out of here.

“So how are you feeling?” Jeremy asked me.

I just blinked at him for a minute. I didn’t understand why he was asking me how I was feeling. What did that matter right now?

“I don’t get it,” I told him.

“What do you mean you ‘don’t get it’?” Jeremy asked, confusion written all over his face.

I was starting to get angry. I wanted to hit something. For a second I even wanted to hit Jeremy.

“I don’t get why you’re asking me how I’m feeling,” I spat out.

Jeremy looked seriously puzzled now. I didn’t understand why he was having such a hard time figuring out a simple statement.

“I’m just trying to check in with you; see where your head is at,” he explained. The tone in his voice made it seem like he had no idea what was wrong with me right now.

“I’m getting really pissed off,” I told him angrily. “I don’t know why we’re sitting here bullshitting. I don’t get why you just won’t just tell me if I’m getting kicked out or not. I’ve been freaking out all day long waiting for you to come get me and let me know what’s going on. I feel like I’m gong to puke right now because my stomach had been in knots all day.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,” Jeremy said, holding his hands up as if to stop me, while shaking his head. “Why do you think you’re getting kicked out? I told you that wasn’t going to happen.”

All of a sudden I felt really stupid. Well, more so than usual at leas.

“I just thought…I didn’t know what was going to happen when you talked to Aaron, what his counselor was going to say or…I thought you were going to change your mind. I figured you were over this already.”