Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 24

Jeremy started out our session that day with small talk, as we usually did, asking how I was doing, if I was feeling safe, and if I had any problems since the last time we sat down. I assured him I was fine and didn't feel like hurting myself at all. He asked me what I thought about the movie we watched during his group, then we talked about that for a few minutes. Once that conversation was over Jeremy was quiet for a few moments. Then he sprang it on me.

"So I saw you talking to Aaron," Jeremy stated.

"Okay," I simply responded. I suddenly became very aware of every single movement I was making from my breath, to the way I moved my hands, to the expression on my face. I was had to be very careful that I did not express and sort of nervousness.

"I know we've talked about your history with men. I've come to understand, from the things you have told me about your self proclaimed promiscuity, that you seek attention from men as a way to feel better about yourself. I hope I'm not coming off as rude, I'm simply repeating the very words you, yourself, have spoken," Jeremy told me.

As he was talking my mind was in a million different places all at once. I was trying to figure out where he was going with this, so that I could figure out how to respond. I was cringing from him bringing up my promiscuity. My hooking up with a extremely high volume of males was a fact. No doubt about it. However, the thought that I may be coming off as a slut to him was embarrassing. I know counselors are not supposed to pass judgment, but no one can completely stop themselves from forming them, even if they don't let their opinions bias them. I thought of how he used to word "men" in relation to the males I slept with but how only a very slight number of them could actually be considered men, and even then they were just sleazy excuses for a man. I was also still trying to consciously keep my body from giving away my anxiety. I had started to get very hot, my palms were sweaty, and my hands were shaking.

"That being said," Jeremy resumed. "I want to remind you that you are still on very thin ice and that we have a strict no fraternization policy. Julie and I have given you a second chance, so I hope you continue to do as outstanding as you have been these last few days. I know it might be hard to resist impulses to seek attention from men, because you're just starting to open up and talk about these issues. This problem isn't going to be solved overnight. I just hope that you will talk to me if you do have these impulses and are contemplating about acting on them. I don't want to see you be discharged over something like that."

I felt horrible when he said that. My guilt rested like a lead weight on my chest. I wanted to tell Jeremy the truth, to confess that I kissed Aaron, but that would just screw everything up. I didn't know what to say to him, and my mind was buzzing with so many possible ways to smooth this over, that I unfortunately didn't think the next thing that came out of my mouth through. So when I blurted out "I really, really want to fuck Aaron." I nearly died with embarrassment right then and there. I could tell Jeremy was not exactly prepared for that to come out, though thankfully he did his best to regain an impassive face within seconds after his eyes popped out in surprise to my response.

"It's not even just Aaron," I continued, deciding to just play this out and deal with how ridiculous I sounded. "I just want to have sex. Even Tyler is looking pretty good right now and I can't stand him one bit." That was a HUGE lie, but oh well. "I keep fantasizing about all these different ways to fuck them or get them to fuck me. It's horrible. I know. I feel like such a skank. But I can't help it. I want to. I want these feelings and thoughts to just go away. I don't want to need a guy's attention to make me feel better about myself. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. But that's what's going on right now. I really want to have sex." I let out a long breath of air and braced myself for Jeremy's response.

"First, I want to tell you how proud I am that you are opening up this way," Jeremy began. "I really do understand how difficult it is for you to talk about issues like this, especially with such unabashed honesty as you just did. It's incredible, really it is. I hope you realize that."

I felt so ashamed, guilty, and undeserving as he gave me this praise. I wasn't tell him the truth. Well, at least not the whole truth. Because in all honestly, I really did just want to have sex. And if it came down to it, I probably wouldn't refuse Tyler if I was feeling extremely low. Still, I felt bad for lying.

"We can work together on ways to deal with these feeling and impulses," Jeremy continued. "And if you keep talking with me as you are, it will help ease some of your stress and anxiety. We'll work to build your self esteem so that you won't crave that male attention so much. I'm not saying that we'll be able to make it go away one hundred percent. Hopefully, though, we can make it a lot easier for you."

I really appreciated that he was so dedicated to helping me. I mean, I know it's his job, but Jeremy really put his all into working with me. It meant a lot. So I replied with a simple "Thanks". Before I had a chance to stop myself, or think about it I thought aloud "Am I really this much of a mess? I'm the only one on the unit that has a session almost every day for an entire hour. Why can't I just be normal?"Jeremy looked startled by my statement . A guilty look came over his face that puzzled me. It went as quickly as it came before he said "You're not a mess, Molly. You just need to work through a lot of a issues you've never dealt with head on before. You'll be alright." he spoke those last words very softly and sincerely. I quickly glanced into his eyes, hoping that in the second our gaze met I could see what he: saw in me. It didn't happen though. No shocking revelation came to me. So I nodded my head and left it at that.