Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 30

I spent that night holed up in my room with Shauna. She was leaving on Monday; her 28 days finally up. I was happy for her, that she was getting out of here. At the same time I was worried that something bad would happen to her once she left. And of course, I was going to miss her. She didn’t care about spending time with anyone else on the unit and was just fine staying holed up in the room with me, mowing down on junk food, laughing at stupid things, talking about whatever nonsense came into our heads. I was relieved she wanted to spend time with me because I needed an escape from my own mind. I couldn’t stand to sit here alone all night thinking about what happened in Jeremy’s office.

I went to bed relatively calmed after my good night with Shauna. Full of cookies, bite sized snacks, and other random food stuffs we had hidden away I could barely move. Shauna, as usual, was asleep within minutes of closing her eyes. Unfortunately, even though my body felt immobile, my mind was wandering. Now, lying here in the quiet, all I could think about was what happened earlier with Jeremy.

I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to still be in the program. Honestly, I should have been back at my house right now, or in jail, for screwing up again. But Jeremy had given me another chance, and I was having a hard time figuring out why he was so convinced I could get better, what he saw in me, why he even cared as much as he did. It boggled my mind. I wasn’t a good person. For christ’s sake, I screwed Aaron without a second thought. Yeah, I felt incredibly horrible now. I felt guilty and ashamed and so damn low. My feelings in the aftermath didn’t really matter, the way I saw it. I should have stopped myself from doing it in the first place.

I still felt so nasty, like such a whore. It brought back memories of all the guys I had been with just for the hell of it, for that high I got from being wanted so badly. It was all so dumb.

I started crying then. Curled up real tight I sobbed into my blankets as quietly as I could. As the tears stopped flowing my body shut down. I was completely exhausted and drained. Sleep came quickly.

　

　

　

　

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I was extremely relieved when I woke up Monday morning. Sunday was hell. On Saturday I only had the night to get through avoiding Aaron. But we had groups on Sunday that I had to go to, and had to be in the same room with him whether I liked it or not. I ate my meals with Shauna, turning my back to whatever direction Aaron was sitting in. Between groups I stayed in my room. I walked into each group right before it started and as soon as it ended I bolted back to my room. Aaron could tell something was up. During dinner he finally approached me. I was sitting at the table with Shauna and I could see him standing next to me but I wouldn’t look up at him. I hoped that if I ignored him he would just go away. But he didn’t.

“Hey Molly. Can I talk to you for a minute?” Aaron asked.

I looked around uneasily. I really didn’t want to talk to him because Jeremy explicitly told me not to. None of the counselors were around so I figured I could spare him one minute to explain that I wasn’t allowed to talk to him.

“Sure,” I told him. “Let’s go sit over there for a minute,” I said, gesturing to the almost empty table in the corner.

I got up, ignoring Shauna’s quizzical expression, and sat down over at the table with Aaron. Nicole was the only other person at the table but she was sitting at the opposite end.

I kept my tone down to a whisper and told Aaron as quickly as I could “Jeremy knows about what we did at the meeting. I’m not getting kicked out and either are you, but he doesn’t want me talking to you. He said he would talk to you and your counselor. I don’t know what he’s going to say or do about it but I can’t be seen anywhere near you or I’m done, and I’m sure you’ll be just as screwed.”

Aaron looked shocked. He also didn’t know what to say so I took that as my opportunity to leave.

So he stayed away from me for the rest of the night. But instead of being relieved I was pissed at myself for not asking him if he had told anybody. It was something I had been wondering about constantly, because if he told someone, it was definitely going to be all over the unit within days, probably less than that. I didn’t think he would tell anyone, because doing that would really just be screwing himself over. There just wasn’t any way to know for sure. Actually, there was a way, but I didn’t ask him when I had the damn chance.

So it was really good that it was finally Monday. I thought that once Jeremy talked to Aaron, and the whole thing was taken care of, or not taken care of and I still ended up getting kicked out, I would actually be able to chill out.

I could barely eat breakfast, which alarmed Shauna a bit. She didn’t really push me to tell her what was wrong though. She was giddy and excited to get out of here. It made it harder, waiting to find out what was going to happen to me, knowing that in about an hour or two Shauna would be gone. She wouldn’t be there to sit around and talk with me about the most random things and get my mind off at the bullshit. Now I wouldn’t have anyone to buddy with for the rest of my time here. I felt kind of bad that I never really reached out to anyone else. Well I did reach out to Aaron, but look where that got me.

When they started rounding us up for morning meditation I just told myself not to think about it until I met with Jeremy again. So until then, I just needed to breathe.