Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 20

That night, after we were sent to our rooms for the night, Shauna and I stayed up talking. Our beds were a mess of wrappers. You weren't allowed to have food in your room. After having a small snack at 9 PM, you inevitably got hungry once you were in your room. So Shauna took to sneaking extra snacks, desserts and different items from our meals wrapped in napkins, into the room. She had a whole drawer filled with these items and graciously shared some of it with me.So there we sat on our beds, the curtain pulled back, hoards of food among us, laughing and chatting about different things.

"Can you believe that stuff Ted was going on about during the meeting. I was thinking, dude! TMI!" Shauna exclaimed, giggling.

Every night we had an AA or NA (Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous) meeting on campus. Some of the residents who had moved up to Level 2 or Level 3 were allowed to go to off campus meetings. There was a Level 4 but patients moved up to that one to two days before discharge. Also, once a week, a speaker came from an AA or NA group to share there story. Shauna told me that these off campus meetings were something to look forward to because you could chug down endless amounts of caffeinated coffee, eat cookies and other snacks set out, and smoke cigarettes. Plus you got a chance to see people from the "outside" world. But seeing as how Shauna and I were still on Level 1 (though by the end of the week Shauna would most likely be on Level 2) we were stuck on campus with the other Level 1's and restricted patients.

The in house AA meeting tonight was a joke. The group of us left behind ran the "meeting" ourselves, which is common practice I was told. So when it came time to "share" no one wanted to open up and talk about any "problems related to drinking". Ted took it upon himself to share his life story in what I assumed was his way of trying to pass the time. If we closed the meeting early, the staff would just send us right back into the room. It was mandatory that the meeting last an hour. So Shauna and I sat through the hour with horrified looks on our faces as Ted rambled on about the very intimate aspects of his life.

"Oh my god! When he started talking about how he couldn't get it up for the hooker, I thought I was going to die! I felt so embarrassed for him. Who says that kind of stuff to strangers?" I replied, cracking up as well.

I'm not usually one to laugh at other peoples misfortunes but the way that Ted just put it out there like that was too much to handle.

"That poor guy," Shauna said trying to calm herself down. "Still, remind me to wipe down anything he touches before me!"

That sent us both into a fit a giggles again. We eventually got a hold of ourselves and were contented with munching away on our goodies. After a while Shauna let out a sigh and said "I miss Brian."

I smiled at her and asked "Did you talk to him tonight?"

We were allowed one ten minute phone call per day. Each morning when you got your medication you signed up for the phone and would be allotted a certain time when you would make your call. I didn't get medication but Shauna told me I would just have to get in line anyway to save a spot for the phone. I planned on signing up for it tomorrow so I could call RC and let him know I was okay. He was probably wondering what had happened to me.

"Yeah," Shauna said. "We talked. But it's not enough. Half the time I call him we're arguing. The other half we're so lovey dovey that it makes my heart hurt. I hate being away from him. I miss him SOOO much. Besides, I don't like not knowing what he's up to. I've called some other friends who said they would keep an eye on him but he's so damn sneaky that if he did anything, they probably wouldn't know."

"I feel for you girl," I told her. Here was one major reason why I didn't want a relationship. I hated that jealous feeling, that worry that they were doing something behind your back. Sure, there were guys who didn't make you feel like that but they were a rare breed.

"I bet he's using too. Actually I know he is. Tonight when we talked, he was all over the freaking place. I know he was high. It pisses me off to no end. I'm like, in rehab, trying to get help, and he's out there, still blowing coke. UGH!"

Shauna stomped her foot against the bed for affect. I gave her sad face of understanding but didn't say anything.

Shauna was most likely going to go right back to using when she left here. She couldn't pull herself away from Brian. She was stuck in the drama of their relationship. This was her fourth rehab. She had told me that she went through the same cycle I did. Doing the 28 days, feeling optimistic upon release, doing good for a little while, then falling right back down the rabbit hole. The only difference between Shauna and I was that I didn't have a boyfriend literally shoving drugs in my face. Brian sounded like an absolute jerk from the stories Shana told me. Yet she was madly, deeply, in love with him. I wished I could say something to her but it wasn't my place to insult her boyfriend. Besides, only Shauna could make herself realize how horrible he was for her. Hopefully she would see the light but right now, telling her that he wasn't good for her wasn't going to get any results. So I just let it go.

"What about you and Jack?" Shauna inquired, thankfully changing the subject on her own. "You think you'll give him a go when you get out?"

I rolled my eyes to let her know what I thought about that. "He's really a great guy," I told her. "And maybe Jeremy can help me get over this fear of relationships. But I still don't think I'm going to be ready for it when I get out of here."

Shauna nodded her head which was interrupted mid-way by a huge yawn.

I laughed which she returned once she got over the yawn.

"Well," she said. "I think I'm ready for bed."

"Yeah, you look like it," I told her with a chuckle.

Shauna started gathering the wrappers to throw out. I did the same and we tossed out all the trash, covering it up with a wad of toilet paper so if the staff came in to inspect our room, the wouldn't notice all the food debris.

Shauna got back in bed and pulled the covers over her. I shut off the overhead light for her and turned the bathroom one on so I would still be able to see. I pulled the curtain across the room to separate our spaces and said goodnight to Shauna. She mumbled out a responding goodnight. It was incredible how quickly this girl could knock out. I envied that.

I got under my covers but kept my eyes open as I reflected on the day. I thought about yoga with Russ and how much I actually enjoyed it. It felt good to stretch and meditate like that. He was a very good teacher. Despite his dorky demeanor, he was a very centered man. He was calm and patient with us which I respected.

Jeremy had taught a group earlier about how childhood "traumas" actually impacted the make up of ourselves as a whole. It could be anything from parental neglect to emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. It was a strange way of looking at things but it made a lot of sense. Jeremy was a great group leader. He really involved the entire group. I think that because he was younger than most of the counselors, he was easy to relate to.

Tyler had pretty much left me alone all day. I think he finally got the hint that I was not interested in him and it was best to just leave me be. He was still an asshole, throwing hateful looks across the room to Shauna and I. Thankfully he was on Level 2 and was off campus for a while.

I felt relaxed at that moment. I wasn't anxious or worried about all the small things going on in my life. I, for once, felt in control of everything. I think that was the last thought on my mind before I amazingly drifted off to sleep.