Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 25

Sunday was pretty difficult to get through. We barely had any groups and way too much free time on our hands. Too much free time is never a good thing for me. I start thinking too much and my mind brings me to bad places. Shauna kept trying to interact with me and keep me from wallowing in my thoughts. Unfortunately she slept on and off the whole day so I was mostly left to my own devices.

I felt the urge to get high on and off all day. Thoughts of my family kept coming across my mind and since Jeremy was off I had no one to talk to about it. I started feeling really anxious, like I was crawling out of my skin, because I didn’t know what to do with myself. It was rare that when I wanted to get high to numb myself that I just couldn’t. Short of walking out the door and calling a cab to bring me home there was nothing I could do. To just walk out of rehab like that would be a pretty stupid move anyway.

Thankfully Aaron didn’t mind keeping me company and we talked for a long while. We sat on the armchairs and conversed on whatever random thoughts popped into our heads. I found out that he actually knew Jack pretty well but I didn’t broach that subject. Even though I really wanted to find out more about Jack through this third party, I didn’t want to think about him too much, and I didn’t want Aaron to think I was involved with Jack.

I was extremely relieved when night time came and even more relieved the next morning when I woke up to find that Sunday was behind me. A while later Shauna and I sat in the living area, waiting for morning meditation to start. I was watching Tyler hitting on Nicole, who to my disgust, was flirting back. Shauna was beginning to drop back into sleep so I nudged her and asked “What’s up with Nicole? I mean, what’s her deal?”

I nodded my head in Nicole’s direction so Shauna could see what was going on with her and Tyler.

Shauna shrugged and said “I don’t really know. She doesn’t talk much. I think she’s from some rich family who found out she was getting into painkillers and put her in rehab to avoid embarrassment. That’s all the info I have on her.”

I shook my head and replied “Well she better stay away from Tyler before he tells her some things she really doesn’t need to know.”

The sad fact is that most people eventually relapse after leaving rehab. The other sad fact is that they inadvertently learn tricks of the junkie trade, at least most newbies do. Say you’re in rehab for weed. You might hear people glorifying their drug use with heroin or cocaine. You also learn from some fellow patient how to fix a needle, find a vein, or cut up a pill to snort while they’re sharing “war stories”. These things are stored in the back of your brain. You get out and do good. But then you eventually want to get high again. And then maybe the weed just isn’t cutting it anymore or your loved ones are zeroing in on your use with that particular drug. So you think, ‘hey, why don’t I just go score some coke or heroin? Maybe that will work.’ But it doesn’t. it just goes downhill from there.

I’ve seen it happen before. This girl I was in rehab with my second time was 14 when she first arrived. Her dad was a bad alcoholic and she had been drinking and smoking weed. He didn’t want her to end up like he did and put her in treatment. Nearly two years later she finally left the program. A month later she was doing heroin. I know from hearing it myself while I was there, the way the other girls glorified their use with that drug, and spoke in detail of how they got high. Which is why I really hoped Nicole got away from Tyler before it was too late.

Morning meditation begun then and we went through the same routine, opening with the prayers, going around and reading quotations from the books, saying what we hoped to accomplish that day, then closing with another prayer. When we were finished and heading over to the dining area for our first group of the day I started to feel anxious again. I wanted to get high and I wanted it right now. I began panicking and hyperventilating. Shauna grabbed me by the arm and quietly asked “Molly, what’s wrong? Do you need me to get someone?” I couldn’t calm myself down and I started crying. I nodded my head and as Shauna ran off I sat down on the ground and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my face so no one could see me lose it.

This feeling was awful. I absolutely hated it. I wanted to get high. So. Incredibly. Bad. To just be numb. I was freaking out. Sobbing, hands shaking, chest tight, out of breath. What was I supposed to do when I got out of here and this happened? I wasn’t going to fool myself into thinking that in the “real” world I would just ride the bad feelings out. I know I’d go and find the drugs to put me in the place I loved so much.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I peeked out between my knees. I saw a familiar pair of Doc Martens. Jeremy had crouched down next to me. “Molly, come on,” he said in a soft voice. “Let’s get you up and go to my office.” I didn’t want to move and I was still crying but I got up off the floor. I covered my face with my hands as I followed Jeremy to his office. I hated crying in front of people. I hated seeming so weak.

Jeremy shut the door behind us and we both sat down. “Now just trying to breathe in and out, Molly. It’s okay. Breathe in deep. Let it all out. You’ve got this,” he said. I did as he told me, my breaths coming in and out in short bursts at first. Eventually the tears stopped and I was able to breathe normally again. “Now tell me what’s going on,” Jeremy instructed. I felt a rush of anger. Couldn’t he see what was going on?! “DUH!“, I screamed at him. “I WANT TO GET HIGH!” I burst in to tears again.

“Molly, I figured as much. This is really your first week without substances. Now just calm down. What I want to know is what’s going through your head that is making you want to get high.” Jeremy talked to me like someone trying to convince a suicidal person to back away from the ledge. It aggravated me but something about his tone must of worked because I calmed down and laid it all out on the line, for the first time in my life.

“WHAT’S GOING THOUGH MY HEAD?! MY FAMILY! THAT’S WHAT! Oh wait, that’s right, I DON’T HAVE ONE! It’s not fair! Didn’t she think I was in pain too?! He was MY SON! I brought him into this world! She killed him and then killed herself! She left me with NOTHING! Didn’t I matter?! Wasn’t I worth enough to stick around for?! I was BEYOND devastated! I was COMPLETELY broken and torn up! But we could have worked through it! We could have pushed past it together! NO! NO, she had to be selfish and leave me all alone! She didn’t care about ME! She didn’t care about me AT ALL! And it KILLS ME! It kills me every single day of my stupid fucking pathetic life!” And yet again, the tears began to fall.

I cried. I cried so damn hard. I felt this hard lump in my chest where my heart was. I felt dead. Yet, somehow, it felt good to get this all out of me. All this pain I had been holding close to me for so long. Finally, someone knew. Finally, someone heard me.

I kept crying and Jeremy, for once, didn’t try to make me stop. Instead he said to me “That’s it Molly. Let it all out. Let it all go. Don’t hold anything back.” My body started to hurt. I was wrenching back and forth from gasping for air. I could barely see because my eyes were starting to swell. My throat was raw and my head was pounding. Still, somehow, I felt lighter. I felt relief. When I eventually began to calm down, when there were no more tears left to cry, I glanced at the clock and realized I had been in Jeremy’s office for a half hour already.

Suddenly I felt exhausted. My body ached like it had been hit by a bus. My head felt disconnected from my body, like it was floating, tethered to my body by a string. I looked at Jeremy, the first time since we entered his office. I saw that tears were streaming down his face. My jaw dropped. I didn’t quite understand why he was crying too. I wanted to ask him what was going on but before I could he spoke to me.

“Molly, you have no idea what an incredible step forward you just made. I know you don’t think much of yourself. But to have gone through all that you have and still be trying to push forward…you need to know how much courage that takes. You are worth such an incredible amount more than what you allow yourself to believe. I promise, we are going to work together until you see that.”

I opened my mouth to reply but nothing came out. I looked at Jeremy, confused. “Are you tired?” he asked me. I vigorously nodded my head. Jeremy let out a small laugh. “I’m going to let you go to your room and sleep until lunch, okay? I’ll check in with you again after that.” “Thank you,” I managed to get out. Jeremy just smiled, then got out of his chair. I stood up and followed him as he lead me back to my room, where I crashed as soon as my head hit the pillow.