Such A Beautiful Disaster

Part 35

As soon as I woke up the next day, to the sound of knocking on my door waking me up for breakfast, I was aware that I had four days left. The fact that I had so little time left here was constantly on my mind. Most of the time that thought just had me feeling excited. A small part of the time the fact of my limited time here made me really nervous. For the most part though I felt good, and that’s what mattered.

It felt strange walking around the unit, going to breakfast. I felt like a ghost walking among the living. No one paid any attention to me. No one said good morning or wanted to sit with me to eat. It didn’t bother me too much because at this point all these people had come after me. It did suck to be alone constantly though. Especially seeing Aaron all buddy buddy with some of the new guys. It pissed me off that he wasn’t suffering like I was. Spending the days this way, being so isolated, made minutes feel like weeks, and hours feel like years. I wanted these four days to just be over with.

After taking my tray from Lauren, who had been pretty cool with me since the lunch tray incident, I went in and found an empty spot. I pretended like I didn’t see the nasty glances from the two girls, Amanda and Sara, who were close to my age. I hated that. I would love nothing more than to sit down with them and gossip, just have fun. But because they thought I was pretty they decided to be mean to me. I’ve gotten used to this behavior over the years. I don’t see what other people see when it concerns my looks. People still tell me all the time how pretty I am but I don’t believe it. I know they believe it though. Girls wouldn’t be so petty and cruel if they didn’t.

I tried to eat as quickly as I could without seeming like a total pig, then got up and went to the living area to settle in and wait for morning meditation. I sat there, in my usual seat sans Shauna, drawing in my sketchbook. I tried to concentrate on my sketch but I couldn’t focus. I kept looking at the clock. Time was just dragging. Eventually a few more people wandered in, not that it mattered. Then when Amanda and Sara wandered in I just felt worse. I could almost feel the tension between us even though nothing had ever happened; we’d barely even spoken. Then Aaron and another guy a few years older, Jerry, entered the room. Aaron sat down right next to Sara on the couch. I tried not to look, tried not to feel anything when I saw him lean close to her and whisper in her ear. I hated how I saw his true colors now, what a pig he was. I hated that I still felt jealous seeing him talking to her.

I was so grateful when it was finally time to start group and I really could focus on something else. Then the part came where we went in a circle and one by one said something we were grateful for that day. When it was Sara’s turn she glanced at Aaron before saying “Today I’m grateful for the amazing new friends I’ve made here.” Then another glance at Aaron who took his turn by telling everyone “I’d have to say something along the same lines. All the people I’ve met here are so awesome. I’m just so grateful.” He then imperceptibly shifted closer to Sara. I started to seethe and just feel really on edge. So when I was up I could only reply with “I’m grateful that in just five days I’ll be waking up in my own bed instead of a cot in rehab.” both Sara and Amanda got ugly looks on their faces after hearing that. Well, screw you too bitches.

Not that it would get any better because before too long we were getting up to go to our first real group of the day and the males and females were split up. I walked into the hall shuffling my feet, wanting to take as long as possible to get to the dining room. Just then Jeremy passed by, coming from the office. He gave me a smile as I walked by. I didn’t smile back. Instead I mouthed the words “help me”. Jeremy stopped dead in his tracks and walked back over to me, his brow creased with worry. “What’s going on?” he asked when he was right next to me.

I stood a little closer because Sara and Amanda walked out just then and immediately focused on Jeremy and I. They were basically staring, not even bothering to walk to group and I didn’t want them to hear me speak.