Something Worth Living For

Prelude

Something Worth Living For.

So there I was watchin all the nurses, and doctors frantically try to revive my mama as the silent tears fell from my eyes on my expressionless face. The constant beeping from the heart monitor was just one of the many sounds that filled the room, but that sound stood out the most. I couldnt believe it happened again, and this time im being left all alone in this world. One of the most important people in my life has just died in front of me for a second time. My mother had breast cancer that she found out about my freshman year in highschool. She fought the good fight taking all the proper steps to increase her health, and chances at a longer life. Sometimes it takes more than persistance to win a losing battle though. I have never seen anyone Deteriorate over such a short time like she did. Eventually she mustve just got tired of fightin because headaches turned into pain. Then constant visits to the hospital, and ultimately she never came back home..now she never will. I was kinda relieved although I dont mean that in a harsh way in any sense of the statement. Really though, who wants to watch someone they love suffering and always in pain, but hiding behind a smile. All I could do was think about the conversation we had before she took her final breath. I could never understand why it always seemed like the devil danced around me laughing at my misfortune. Forever pulling the rug from under my feet whenever I got back up from being down not even letting me catch my balance. Just last year I had lost my dad to depression, and by that I mean he killed his self. I walked in on him drunk beyond belief one day as he raised the gun to his mouth, and blew his own brains out. I guess the pressure of being laid off, and havin to pay for all of my moms treatment pushed him over the edge. I always hated him after that because to me that proved how weak of a man he was, and also how much of a coward he was. To leave your loved ones so willingly by choice and in such a time of need. If I never hated my life before it definately went to s***t over the last year. I wanted to do nothin more than give up, and drown myself in my sorrows. The thing is though I made my mom a promise that I would never give up on life. She always went on about how "special" I was, whatever the f***k that meant. Sometimes I would think she was making cracks about me tryna say I was slow or something when she said it, but she's not that kind of person. Little did I know I would find out exactly what she meant soon enough.

My name is Kenyatta Bailey, im 20 years old and im about to share this hell I call a life with u guys. Normally being a mixed child would have its advantages in life, but not in my case. I was a normal guy standing at 5'10" with a slim build. Even though my mama was white, and my dad was a fair skinned black man. I came out a rich beautiful chocolate complection free of achne, and any kind of scars or blemishes. The oddest thing about me though was the fact that I had blue eyes...weird right. I had what most people like to refer to as "good hair", but I call that s***t a curse. I tried to let it grow out when I was in middle school, but I couldnt really do s***t wit it because it was so curly. When I got to highschool I cut it off into a wavy fade since I got tired of people callin me a girl because I was thick for a boy. Growing up I was always a loner, anti-social, and basically...Different. I guess being an only child can do that to u, and then when u add the fact that im gay into the mix it doesnt really help. You'd think growing up in such a diverse family it would be a plus, but that wasnt the case once again. My moms side was always so cruel to me because of my skin color and often isolated me whenever I was around. I never really met anyone from my dads side because they all felt like he was a sell out or something for being wit a white woman. Basically the only people I ever really had any type of relationship with were my parents, and two other people. His name was De'Quan, and he was the only person that I ever let get close to me aside from this boy I use to date. He was one of those thugs ass dudes, but for whatever reason he always seemed to have a soft spot for me. He would never let people f***k wit me in highschool, and he was really the only friend I had. I dont know if he was gay or not becuase of his persona, but I never got the chance to find out. More like I was too afraid of what would happen if I tired anything. After my dad killed his self in front of me I had a mental break down, and had to be home schooled for various reasons. I havent seen him or my ex in almost 2 years now, but im glad I havent seen my ex. He cheated on me with a girl because like all DL boys he couldnt come to terms with his sexuality. That and the fact that I wasnt givin him no ass mixed together, typical nigga. The girl ended up gettin pregnant, and I havent talked to him since. Not by his choice, but my own because I found out he lied about it over and over until the baby was born. To be honest I might have loved him, but I dont really know because it didnt phase me. I never shed a tear and I cut him off as easy as breathing air after almost a year. Thats part of the reason my mom made me see a therapist because of my lack of connection. I think the term they used for it was anhedonia. My therapist would often refer to me as a walking vegetable. All this started after the whole thing wit my dad, but I think my ex was just icing on the cake. I know s***t happens, but i've had enough s***t in my life go wrong for me to keep voluntarily allowing other mutha f***kas to make it worse. My mom said I never showed any signs that I was human sometimes. In fact this is actually the first time ive cried since..I cant even remember. Personally I think im just fine, and my mom being white tried to fix s***t with therapy. The only reason I went was to make her happy, but that s***t is defiantely getting kicked to the curb now. I just simply accepted the fact that all men are liars, and I have trust issues which was just fine with me. I never have been the emotional type over anything. You see I had a very non-chalant attitude towards a lot of s***t. I just figured the best way not to get hurt over stuff was not to give a f***k, and so far its worked out pretty well for me. At least I think so anyway. I was snapped out of my thoughts by the doctor walkin up to me apologizing for my loss. I thanked him as I walked back to the lobby only to be met by my b***h of***grandmother and my perverted uncle. I honestly hated these f***kin c***ts because they made my life terrible as a child. My grandmother being the reason I use to hate my self low key for my complection, and my uncle for tryna rape me when I was younger. He didnt get the chance to though because my dad caught him in the act before it got too far, and beat the s***t outta him.

I walked pass them both without sayin a word headin for my car. I didnt want anything to do with these fake ass bastards, and im sure they felt the same. Just like I thought they didnt say s***t to me, and I more than happily returned the favor. I had made it to my car and was gettin in until I heard someone call my name, it was my f***kin uncle.

Randy: KENYATTA!(he yelled tryna catch me)
Yatta: Can I help u?
Randy: Where are u goin, and do u need a place to stay?
Yatta: Im goin to mind my business, and I'd love it if u did the same. None of u have ever worried about me before, and its a little too late to start now.
Randy: Im just tryna be here for u. She was my sister as well as your mother, and as family we should be here for eachother. U should come stay at my house at least until we get all the funeral arrangements together.
Yatta: Why, so u can have a second chance to rape me like u tried to do when I was little u f***kin pervert. F***k off i'll handle my mama's funeral, and everything else thats been goin on in my life like I been doin...WITHOUT YALL!!

After that statement I slammed the car door leaving him there shocked, and red in the face from my comment. I drove home to my now vacant house to figure out my next move. I know exactly what it is that I was goin to do, and that was go to college. The farthest place I can get into to get the f***k away from this city, and all the bad memories it holds. Academically I could get into any school I wanted too, but the hard part was deciding on where I wanted to go. I started to regret the fact that I had taken a year off to help my mom after highschool. Back then I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but now im not so sure. As I pulled into the driveway I checked the mail and found an acceptance letter to FAMU, perfect. Tallahasee, Florida here I come.