Staying With The Bad Boy For Two Months

Peer Pressure : 25

"I found you broken, and I lost my need for sleep. You bit my lip and we were both in way too deep."

whole again // Front Porch Step

—

 When I woke up, I left Emery's house at around six thirty in the morning, figuring that I should probably eat something seeing as though I had lost my appetite the night before and completely skipped eating all-together. There wasn't much to eat around there at this certain time. And I did not have a vehicle to drive, so I decided on an easy route and began walking to the nearest gas station. It wasn't but a twenty minute walk and I needed to get my mind off of things. Off of Alec, in general.

 I tucked my hands smugly into my hoodie pocket. It was always so chilly in the mornings, I do not know why. The weather was bipolar and confusing. Like Alec. There was no explanation as to why I always compared everything to him. Every song, all of my excuses, the weather, everything. It was as if my mind was just warped directly onto his entire existence and left me a little bit of common sense to know that I was completely and utterly stupid. 

 Who cares, you dimwit. Who cares that he has had a rough past. Who gives a damn if he has lied to you in order to protect you from himself, knowing that you would only be scared to get too close if he told you the truth. Who cares? You love him. Present tense, not past. Just forget all of these little, minor details and do something for yourself for once in your life. 

  My consciousness was right. I'm not Dory, and this is not Finding Nemo. But I have to at least pretend that I care, rather than sulking around and feeling sorry for myself. Better yet, for making everyone else feel sorry for me when I am the one who keeps pushing him away. 

 "Need a ride?" That devilishly handsome voice appeared in my head, and I knew, at that exact moment, that I was just popping myself into a humongous bowl of coincidental soup and gulping it down. Along with the abnormally large fist that was being shoved down my throat.

 I peeked over my shoulder, blinking several times as the time just kept dawning on to me. The passenger side window was rolled down, his head tilted just enough to where every inch of his face was staring right back at me. I was going to pee myself. I stopped, knotted my fingertips together tightly and nodded only the slightest bit, my lower lip shaking as if I were the devil in a snowstorm.

Alec Vermont, you have no idea what you are doing to me.

 He leaned over and opened the door, pushing it only enough to where I could slip inside. I carefully took jagged steps towards the sleek black vehicle and fell right into the leather seat, that same strong, thick bohemian leather smell pulling me into a whole different kind of trance. Alec noticed my awkward self and reached across my body to pull the door closed, brushing his forearm across my chest in doing so. I snapped down hard on my lip and winced. 

 "Avi, are you okay?" He questioned, raising his eyebrow as soon as each fist coiled over the steering wheel. 

 I glanced over at him, then directly down at my lap, nodding. "I'm fine." I replied dryly. Even though every fiber of my being was obviously in the most evident 'not okay' position possible. He knew better.

 He sighed heavily, pushing the gear in drive and gently letting his foot put the car in a balanced movement down the road. "Look, Avi, we need to talk." 

 Here we go. "About?" I muttered beneath my breath, lifting my gaze upwards as he fumbled with the radio volume. Sugar by Maroon 5 was on, barely a whisper in the quiet ether, now an uncomfortable silence. 

 He looked over at me for a mere three seconds before watching the road ahead again. "What happened. Us. Why everything is so damn difficult all of the time." His voice was raising, but it soon fell softer as I shifted my body away from him. He knew I was nervous.

 "There's nothing to talk about." Refraining from spilling out everything I was dying to scream in his face was harder than anything. But I couldn't, and he wanted me to more than anything. I knew he wouldn't get mad or hurt and that he would understand, but I would only hurt myself more by reminding myself that he has done all of these things..made all of these mistakes..and that I still loved him anyways.

 "Please, Avalon, I need this." He said shakily, tightening his firm hold on the wheel. The speed of the car accelerated, then slowed. 

 I looked outside of the window as I watched each gas station, restaurant, everything pass by. And I didn't care to say anything because I was with him now and nothing else seemed to matter anymore. "You lied to me, Alec." I spoke, my eyes a foggy mess. 

 He looked over at me attentively. "What are you talking about?" My hard gaze snapped over to his and I seemed to clutch my stomach in order to keep from punching him as hard as I could.

 "About you, Alec. I feel like I do not know you. You didn't tell me anything about your past, even if it wasn't a good one. When you know everything about me. And what hurts the most, more than anything," I took a breath, fighting back the tears that just kept jerking against my eyes. "is that I would have loved you no matter what. I still  love you no matter what." And the tears fought harder until I surrendered and allowed them to fall with ease. He glanced over at me and flashed a guilty expression, reaching his hand out towards my shoulder. I jerked away and heaved a deep breath. "Stop the car." I snapped. 

 Alec was on the verge of protesting, but nodded briefly and pulled over, cutting the engine. He stared down at his hands as they fell loosely in his lap. He had nothing to say, so I said what needed to be said. 

 I took a deep, scratchy breath and stared directly at him. We both knew what was going to happen. "Alec, I wish it wasn't look this. I wish more than anything that we were good for each other. That we could give each other what we both want. I can promise you that much. But I am so tired. I am exhausted. And maybe I deserved this all along. Looking at myself, I realize now how pathetic I am for building my life around you. Maybe I do deserve to be burned, along with each and every one of those bridges I've desperately made for you. The hardest thing in life, is letting something that means more to you than anything go. I love you so much, but I need to learn how to let you go." He kept his gaze downwards, and I soon realized that he was crying. I had made the bad boy cry.

And damn, it did not feel as good as I had hoped for it to.